February 16, 2000
A Shocking Exposť
"Meathead Perspective" Shut Down by Unknown Party
An e-mail was sent to Matthew Dunphy, webmaster of the NIN Hotline, which hosts the weekly-updated column, demanding its immediate termination under the threat of Mafia-like hitmen being sent to the homes of Dunphy and his family.
The sender of the e-mail, who remained anonymous, claimed to be affiliated with Nine Inch Nails' record label, Nothing Records. While the e-mail avoided giving specific information, it did state that if The Meathead Perspective was not immediately removed from the site, Dunphy would be "very, very sorry" and that certain members of his family would be "sleeping with the fishes."
"I had-- I mean, I'm sure they had good reason to shut down that page," a spokesperson for Nine Inch Nails said. "That Meathead is a real bastard and may he burn in hell."
After a short investigation, it was discovered that "Meathead" was in fact Mexican drug lord Juan Rodriguez Fernandez Exxon Valdez, who escaped from prison in 1994 after serving only two years of a 15-year sentence for trafficking cocaine into the United States. Law enforcement agencies ended the search for Meathead in 1996 when what was believed to be the wreckage of Meathead's private jet was found approximately twenty miles south of Albany in Western Australia.
"We are very grateful to the informant from Nothing Records who helped bring the case of Mr. Valdez back into the light," FBI agent Thomas Farbman said. "The world can rest assured that we will bring this criminal to justice in a prompt and swift manner."
"Meathead is just a really, really, really, really bad person," Farbman said. "I mean, really bad. It makes my skin crawl. And if it weren't for the keen eye of our friend at Nothing Records, this sick individual would still be running around free today. Well, uh, okay, so he is still running around free today, but at least now we know about it, and we will catch him."
However, Farbman said that there are currently no strong leads as to Meathead's current whereabouts, and that we should go the hell away and stop asking him so many annoying questions that he obviously wouldn't answer even if he knew what the answers were.
"We cannot and will not tolerate the use of pirated music in our district," police chief Charles H. Ramsey said. "It's one thing to bring drugs into the city, and it's an entirely different thing altogether to bring MP3's into the city. We intend to cooperate with the FBI to the fullest extent possible so that we may finally bring Meathead to justice."
In a brief telephone interview, Nine Inch Nails frontman Trent Reznor expressed a general feeling of apathy toward the situation.
"He didn't seem like that bad of a guy to me," Reznor said. "I mean, yeah, he's a fuckin' weirdo, but I had no idea he had a history like that. Oh well."
The FBI is offering a reward of $100,000 to anyone who can bring forth information leading to the arrest of Meathead. Anyone who has any information regarding Meathead's whereabouts is urged to call the special FBI hotline at 1-800-SMARTASS.