March 1, 2000
Much Ado About Nothing
www.nothingrecords.com - launching february 2000!
Well, February has passed, and the appropriately-named Nothing Records website remains suspended in the same "coming soon" status as it has been for the past several years, way back even before Jason Patterson was taken away by extraterrestrials. Therefore, it is my duty to ridicule and make fun of this.
One must wonder how it could possibly take such an incredibly long period of time for a website to launch. A few days ago while I was in the bathroom (where most ideas for the Meathead Perspective take shape, incidentally), I came up with a short list of possible reasons why we've been kept waiting since dinosaurs roamed the earth.
Theory A: It's all a great big lie
||If you're like me and think that JFK was assassinated by evil cyborgs sent from the future by Regis Philbin, you may also want to consider the possibility that there actually is no Nothing Records site in the making; that it's all just a big joke courtesy of Trent "I-Like-Fucking-With-People" Reznor.|
Imagine, if you will, T.R. leaning back in his leather-upholstered chair in his executive office, feet propped up on his solid cherry wood desk, puffing on a Cuban cigar and laughing heartily at the "little people" scurrying around like ants trying to find out why the site still isn't open after five years. Now, do you still think I'm crazy?
Theory B: Trent is using monkeys
||Another possibility is that Trent Reznor may have acquired chimpanzees to type up all the code for the website, the idea being that if you set a hundred monkeys in front of a hundred computers, eventually they will generate an innovative and fully functional website that delivers comprehensive, up-to-date information in an asthetically appealing format. Sure, it may take a while, but at least you don't have to pay them (except for the occasional banana).
Theory C: It's just not time
||Perhaps the entire site is done and ready to launch, but Trent doesn't feel that it's the right time to open the doors just yet. One might choose to believe that it has been finished since 1996, but was consistently delayed in order to coincide with the release of The Fragile.|
However, now that The Fragile has been out for five months already, maybe this means that Trent has decided to wait to launch nothingrecords.com at the same time as NIN's 2042 release, The Old.
Theory D: Tough competition
||Of course, there's a chance that maybe those last three theories are bunk. Maybe the real reason that nothingrecords.com is still "under construction" is because they were forced to completely re-design the site from the ground up once the incredible, mind-blowing official Filter site (www.officialfilter.com) was launched.|
Obviously, Nothing Records can't have a typical, bland website while groundbreaking sites like officialfilter.com are tearing shit up online. Back to the drawing board!
"Hey Meathead, what kind of cool crap can we expect from nothing records.com?"
Why the hell are you asking me? ...Well, okay, I do have a few ideas. Besides regular information on Nothing bands, hopefully they'll throw in some extra goodies as well. Here are a few things I think we can look forward to see on the official Nothing Records site (assuming that it does exist). Or, rather, I can look forward to them while everybody else just looks at me funny.
Waste your time talking to nothing
||If we're lucky, there will be one or more "chat rooms" on the site, just like on AOL! There you can spend hours having heart-to-heart conversations with your favorite people on Nothing Records who just happen to have hours to waste by talking to you. Maybe Trent will finally tell you what kind of sandwich he would be, if he could be any kind of sandwich.
Yeah, that's gonna happen
||After the runaway success of the GigaCow and GigaHippo (of Meathead's Web Hole fame), perhaps the big important people at Nothing Records have taken notice and subsequently developed similar products, such as the GigaReznor, Pocket Luke Vibert and the NanoClint (Mansell, of Pop Will Eat Itself) shown here. Wholesome fun for people of all ages!
Doot do-doo doo doo do-doo doo, Dooooot doo do-doo doo
||Web pages full of idiotic animated pictures of dancing things are all the rage these days, and it only stands to reason that Nothing Records would want to take full advantage of this by including animations of Nothing artists dancing the night away to impossibly corny music.|
Pictured at left: The Kevin McMahon Dance.