September 14, 2000
Arts & Crafts

Hello, boys and girls! I know it's been a while since our last meeting, but I have something extra special for you all today! Did you know that you can do more with those little lunch-sized paper bags than just vomit into them? That's right! Today I'm going to show you how to turn an ordinary paper bag into an incredibly lifelike replica of everyone's favorite industrial goth rocker, Trent Reznor! Check this out.

Here's What You'll Need!

normal lunch-size paper bag
pair of scissors
crayons (or colored pencils)
frontal lobotomy

First, you'll need to print out the Official Meathead Perspective Paper Bag Puppet Template. Click the image on the left to bring up the full-size image, and use your browser's Print option to print. You may save the image to your hard drive and print it from another program, if you're smart enough to know how to do that. Make sure your printer is set to print full page. If it's not, your puppet will turn out all stupid-looking and you will be a complete failure and an embarrassment to your whole family.

(Important: Don't forget to ask Daddy or Mommy or Mommy's Secret Girlfriend for permission first, before you get your grubby little hands all over the printer and break it.)

Now, using the scissors (if scissors are unavailable, use your teeth instead), cut out the pieces from the template. Be careful; don't cut too fast or else you might end up hurting your fingers (or, more importantly, the template).

Color the face and tongue with your crayons. It may be easier to color them before you cut them out... that is, if you want to be a little baby about it. Remember, if you color outside the lines, Uncle Meathead will be forced to get out the belt. Please don't make me have to do that again.

Apply glue to the area above the teeth where it says "GLUE HERE DUMB ASS". If you can't read, get someone who's not so damn stupid to do it for you. Once this is done, fold along the line and attach the sticky part to the inside edge of the flap on the bag, as shown here on the left.

Now glue the tongue to the bag, underneath the flap, as shown. Make sure the tongue is centered evenly, or else it'll look unrealistic, and then you'll have to start all over again. So don't fuck it up.

Apply glue to the top of the flap on the bag. I find this is easier to do using a glue stick. I find that a lot of things are easier to do using a glue stick, actually, but we won't get into that right now. Make sure you get the whole flap nice and sticky. This is where Trent Reznor's lovely face is going to go.

And now, the final step! If you've made it this far, then congratulations, you're probably not a total dumb ass. Place Trent's face onto the flap, where you just put the glue. Again, make sure it's nice and centered, to maximize the level of puppet realism. Apply pressure using your hands, feet, buttocks, or other type of weight for a couple minutes while the glue dries.

Ta-da!! You are now the proud owner of a beautiful Trent Reznor Paper Bag Puppet! Feel free to get creative and add decorations to the "body" using stickers or magic markers. I know, it's hard to believe the picture on the left is actually not Trent, but rather a mere paper likeness of Trent. These puppets provide minute after minute of spine-tingling excitement. They're better than crack!

If any of you damn kids actually make these things, send along a picture over this way. Uncle Meathead would love to see it.

WARNING: Using the Trent Reznor Paper Bag Puppet in an inappropriate
manner may result in paper cuts in uncomfortable areas.

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