November 30, 2000
The Bold And The Beautiful
Hello everybody! Boy, do I have some exciting news for you today! As many of you know (at least, those of you who believe the lies I consistently feed you), I have very close "connections" with "important people" involved with "Nine Inch Nails" and "Nothing Records", such as John Malm's cousin's dog groomer and this one guy who says he got drunk at Jerome Dillon's apartment once. Oh, and Rob Sheridan.
Anyway, as a result of my having all these bitchin' connections, I have come up with a wonderful idea which I am sure will cause all of you to defecate with joy. Check this out!
That's right. You read the annoyingly large text correctly. This is your golden opportunity to become one of the few, the proud... the nin.com official people!!!
Nothing says "I am associated in some way with Trent Reznor" like being an official on the nin.com message boards. You know it; everybody else knows it too. Just imagine the attention you'll receive!
The above simulation demonstrates the vast difference between the ways the nin.com message board users will accept you as a normal person, and as an official. As you can plainly see, being an official is much cooler! Being an official just screams "HI, I AM HERE TO SERVE AS A MEDIUM BETWEEN YOU AND THE TRENT. PLEASE SEND ME MESSAGES SO THAT I MAY PASS THEM ALONG TO HIS HOLINESS."
Of course, your new shiny "official" status comes with many other perks, such as your own personal stalker(s), and a handful of web pages all about you, featuring cute animated GIFs and background MIDIs, created by real-life schizophrenics!
To enter, send $80, your name, address and phone number, 10 Polaroids of yourself in compromising positions, and a S.A.S.E. to:
The Moral of this Perspective: Alcohol is bad, kids.