CURRENT ARCHIVE CARTOONS EXTRAS WEB HOLE November 30, 2000 The Bold And The Beautiful Hello everybody! Boy, do I have some exciting news for you today! As many of you know (at least, those of you who believe the lies I consistently feed you), I have very close "connections" with "important people" involved with "Nine Inch Nails" and "Nothing Records", such as John Malm's cousin's dog groomer and this one guy who says he got drunk at Jerome Dillon's apartment once. Oh, and Rob Sheridan. Anyway, as a result of my having all these bitchin' connections, I have come up with a wonderful idea which I am sure will cause all of you to defecate with joy. Check this out! That's right. You read the annoyingly large text correctly. This is your golden opportunity to become one of the few, the proud... the nin.com official people!!! Some people work hard their whole lives and become very rich and successful, such as actor Bruce Willis. He's been in many top-grossing films and has achieved international superstardom. But when he goes to the nin.com message boards, his text looks exactly like everybody else's. That's just the way life goes. But now you have the chance to be better than Bruce Willis! You'll be the envy of everyone you meet! Your text will be bold!! Nothing says "I am associated in some way with Trent Reznor" like being an official on the nin.com message boards. You know it; everybody else knows it too. Just imagine the attention you'll receive! Simulated nin.com message board posts hi ................................ normal person Nov-30-00 12:30 AM    go away ........................ asshole Nov-30-00 3:24 AM hi ................................ bigshot official Nov-30-00 12:30 AM    OMIGOD!! HI!!!! ................ asskisser1 Nov-30-00 12:30 AM    I WANT U 2 IMPREGNATE ME ....... asskisser2 Nov-30-00 12:30 AM    hey how is trent doing? ........ asskisser3 Nov-30-00 12:30 AM    You're Cute! ................... asskisser4 Nov-30-00 12:31 AM    waazzzaaappp!!!!!!! ............ asskisser5 Nov-30-00 12:31 AM    bigshot official is a dick ..... meathead Nov-30-00 12:31 AM    i love u ....................... asskisser7 Nov-30-00 12:31 AM    Why don't you reply to me?? .... asskisser8 Nov-30-00 12:31 AM    TELL TRENT I SAID HI!! ......... asskisser9 Nov-30-00 12:32 AM    Notice me!! .................... asskisser10 Nov-30-00 12:32 AM The above simulation demonstrates the vast difference between the ways the nin.com message board users will accept you as a normal person, and as an official. As you can plainly see, being an official is much cooler! Being an official just screams "HI, I AM HERE TO SERVE AS A MEDIUM BETWEEN YOU AND THE TRENT. PLEASE SEND ME MESSAGES SO THAT I MAY PASS THEM ALONG TO HIS HOLINESS." Of course, your new shiny "official" status comes with many other perks, such as your own personal stalker(s), and a handful of web pages all about you, featuring cute animated GIFs and background MIDIs, created by real-life schizophrenics! Only an elite few can be bestowed with the immensely prestigious honor of being a nin.com "official". If you are the winner of this contest (assuming I'm not entirely full of shit like I normally am), your life will never again be the same. To enter, send $80, your name, address and phone number, 10 Polaroids of yourself in compromising positions, and a S.A.S.E. to: BE A NIN.COM DBOARD OFFICIAL!! Contest c/o Leo "Boom Boom" Herrera 4 Fistfuck Lane New Orleans, LA 90210 The Moral of this Perspective: Alcohol is bad, kids. Home | Top of Page | Glossary | Contact | The RSS That Feeds