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December 13, 2000
Welcome To The Machine

Most bands, when they get all big and famous, release a recording of their live performance, to the delight of live performance fans. Many talented artists such as Pink Floyd, Robert Plant, and Ray Stevens have put out live videos. And of course, the Godfather of Soul Trent Reznor gave us Closure in 1997. Well, now he's getting ready to do it again!

While you've been sitting around on your lazy ass, eating bacon cheeseburgers and playing your Playstation, Trent and his NIN Posse have been slaving away at a new live "DVD" (in between eating cheeseburgers and playing Playstation). For those readers out there who don't know what a DVD is and why the new NIN DVD will kick your ass, I will now educate you.
If you've never heard of DVD's, you are a dumb ass. You can't even spit nowadays without hitting a DVD player, or someone talking about the new DVD player they got. In fact, the popular reggae band TOOL just released a new DVD; that would be a good place to start (even if you already know what DVD's are).

Anyway, Trent Reznor, being an insane perfectionist, has been spending lots of time figuring out how to use the latest advancements in DVD technology to bring the live atmosphere into your living room as accurately as possible.



Trent's idea of "bringing the experience of a Nine Inch Nails concert into your home" consists mainly of using a whole bunch of speakers. Sure, that's nice and all if you have a big fancy setup like Trent probably has in every single room of his house. I'll bet he can listen to Mozart in the bathroom and feel like he's taking a crap in a friggin' symphony hall. But for "normal" people like you and me and your uncle Harold, this doesn't really make any difference, since all we probably have are a couple cheap Hitachi speakers (at least one of which is blown out) and a 10" TV that was made when Lyndon Johnson was in office. I mean, sure, you still get to see NIN on your TV, but it's hardly a substitute for the "live experience".

That's where your ol' buddy Meathead comes in.

My baboon slaves and I, who previously brought you the ReznorBot TR-999?, have once again teamed up to aid you in enjoying the music of Nine Inch Nails to the fullest extent. Here is what we came up with.

THE FRAGILITY MACHINE



This is the Fragility Machine. As you can see, the idea is fairly simple. Where Trent's idea consists only of recreating the audio/visual experience, the Fragility Machine gives all of your senses a good kick in the ass.

"That thing looks stupid. How does it work?"


Well, the first thing you need to do is buy a whole bunch of really expensive speakers, and set them up in the meticulously-arranged pattern shown here on the left. If they are not arranged properly, and not spaced apart at the correct distances, the music will sound like shit and you will be an embarrassment to everyone who knows you. If you want to have the perfect Fragility tour experience in your crappy home, speaker spacing is of the utmost importance. I cannot stress this enough. ...Well, actually, I guess I probably can.


Once your speakers are properly arranged, all you have to do is set up the Fragility Machine in the center of the room, strap yourself in, and turn it on. The Fragility Machine will then proceed to punch and kick the living daylights out of you while you dance to your favorite NIN tunes! But that's not all! There are also optional connectors (for an additional fee) which plug into your eyes, ears and nose, and truly take the experience to the next level.


The special "Goggility" goggles are a spiffy, high-tech device that digitally inserts a plethora of heads, arms, and crowdsurfers in order to block your view of the stage, just like in real life!
The patented nose plugs feature revolutionary new CyberStench? technology, and are able to recreate the warm, inviting aroma of combined body odor and marijuana smoke which will be instantly familiar to any concert-goer (except Limp Bizkit concert-goers, then it would be body odor and crack cocaine smoke).
Last, but certainly not least: the sleek, stylish ear connectors not only look hot and sexy, they also perfectly reproduce the sound of a horde of drunken morons screaming "YEAH! FUCKIN' NAILS MAN!!" over and over directly into your ear throughout the entire duration of the show. After all, what is a NIN show without intoxicated screaming idiots?


I know you're thinking about how this would make a marvelous Christmas present for yourself or your loved ones. Unfortunately, the Fragility Machine is still in search of a manufacturer. I'm hoping that Trent Reznor will like my idea enough to lend me a million dollars so that I may mass-produce this beautiful machine (I promise not to spend it all on Doritos and Slurpees this time).

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DANNY LOHNER I LOVE YOU



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