September 15, 2039
Fifty Years of NIN
Yes, folks, believe it or not, today marks the fiftieth anniversary of Nine Inch Nails' first release, Down In It, on September 15, 1989. And, only a month ago, The Meathead Perspective celebrated 40 years of making Trent Reznor wish he'd picked a different career. Things are a lot different now than they were back in 1989, or 1999 for that matter. For example, back then I still had control of my bodily functions. But regardless, Trent Reznor has managed to stick around and continue cranking out the tunes, and we owe him an enormous debt of gratitude.
As some of you might remember, Trent was considering quitting the "Nine Inch Nails" thing for a brief period in 2001. I never really understood that, myself, especially considering that the Rolling Stones are still playing sold-out shows even today. Thankfully, my friends in the "construction" business were able to "persuade" Trent to keep on going with NIN. It's a shame about Leo, though. We'll miss him.
Anyway, I think I can speak for everyone when I say that it's been an interesting half-century, to say the least. Today I'd like to take a look back at the last five decades of Nine Inch Nails: the highs and lows, the good and the bad, the moments to be proud of, and the moments that might be better off forgotten.
Tuesday, September 22, 1992 - The world is introduced to the Broken EP, and Trent Reznor grows sideburns and becomes the official Poster Boy for Angst?. MTV refuses to play the video for the song "Pinion", citing a rule against showing the human form in bondage... despite the fact that that whore Madonna shows that crap in practically every one of her videos.
There are several theories as to what Trent was so vexed about during the recording of Broken. Some people seem to think it's because of something to do with a record company and some guy named Steve, but not me. Not to sound too self-important, but I believe that Trent was simply upset that there was no Meathead Perspective yet. So therefore, I think you should be thanking me for this record. Punks.
Thursday, September 9, 1999 - Nine Inch Nails perform at the Video Music Awards on MTV, and confuse the hell out of teenyboppers everywhere. During the performance, Trent attempts to display emotion, which is an MTV no-no. Once offstage, he is immediately evicted from the premises by security.
Wednesday, August 4, 1999 - The Meathead Perspective, commonly known as "the fifth horseman of the Apocalypse," appears mysteriously on the Internet.
Tuesday, September 21, 1999 - The long-awaited new album The Fragile lands on the shelves, debuts at #1 on the charts, and is 5,422 times better than Title of Record by Filter. However, The Fragile falls off of the charts five minutes later, proving once again that there is no God. The Nails proceed to pump up the jam, selling out arenas worldwide during the Fragility tour.
Wednesday, October 17, 2001 - Trent Reznor announces that the next NIN record will, in fact, be entitled Impossible Pain. He reveals that the album is nearly complete, and will be in stores within the first quarter of 2002. The fans are giddy with glee (and marijuana).
Tuesday, September 7, 2004 - Impossible Pain, a quintuple-CD clocking in at a rather hefty 5? hours, arrives in stores. Trent Reznor once again breaks new musical ground and wows the pants off the critics. Impossible Pain features notable guest appearances by Andy Griffith, 2Pac, Aphex Twin and Steven Wright. Robin Finck conveniently quits Guns 'N Roses and rejoins Nine Inch Nails (again) just in time for the Impossibility tour. Axl Rose threatens to break both of Robin's legs if he ever sees him again.
Monday, September 13, 2004 - Nine Inch Nails perform at the Canadian Country Music Awards for the first time. Surprisingly, they are not booed off the stage, and Trent Reznor records a track with the Dixie Chicks shortly after. The song is never released, though, and Trent decides to never drink again.
Monday, May 3, 2010 - Abounding rumors of a new NIN record are instantly crushed when Trent Reznor admits to Rolling Stone that he "accidentally forgot to make a new album," but that he will "get right on that" as soon as he beats Quake 6.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010 - Trent Reznor arrives home to see that his house has been egged and toilet papered.
Sunday, January 20, 2013 - In his first act as President of the United States, Richard Patrick proposes a law banning the mention of Trent Reznor's name in public. In the quickest impeachment trial in United States history, President Patrick is removed from office, upon which he moves to Canada and is never heard from again.
Tuesday, April 17, 2018 - After keeping his fans waiting for 14 years, Trent Reznor finally puts out his new solo accoustic album, "Isolated, I," which comes with a little book of poetry and pretty pictures of flowers. He begins to tour the U.S. with Jewel as the opening act, but then has a change of heart, calls up his old bandmates, and plays all the old rockin' tunes from previous albums. Jewel continues to open each show, however, until the next-to-last show, where she receives a massive head wound from an airborne bottle of Rolling Rock. Jewel never performs again, which is just as well.
Tuesday, January 20, 2032 - Nine Inch Nails, which now consists of Trent Reznor, Alan Thicke and Robin Finck (since Axl is no longer with us), release The Senile, which was recorded on the weekends in the rec room at Colton Villa Retirement Village, in spite of Trent's doctor's orders. Remarkably, the album sells twenty million copies in the first week, and solidifies Trent Reznor's reputation as the most vital musician of the 21st century. The Senility tour soon follows, but is limited to the nursing homes in neighboring counties. The shows sell out, regardless, and the fans are delighted to hear that a Senility DVD is in the works. In an interview with Hit Parader magazine, Trent declares himself the King of Poland.
And that about brings us up to speed on Nine Inch Nails. I hope you enjoyed this look back into the history of everyone's favorite band, and I recommend you share it with your children and grandchildren, so that they can pass it on to their grandchildren, and their grandchildren's genetically-enhanced clones.
Anyway, that's all for this week. I need to go rest my eyes and take my Metamucil. See you all again soon!