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February 12, 2001
Intruder, Halt!

If you've been taking your medication and paying attention to the Nine Inch Nails news lately, you may have heard about a certain mentally-challenged individual from North Carolina who enjoys pretending to be Danny Lohner and spreading false rumors about NIN while performing at shows with his crappy band.

Personally, I find the idea that someone would deliberately attempt to fool others by claiming to be Danny Lohner, or any Nine Inch Nails person, quite disturbing, but not as disturbing as the idea that people would actually believe that the impostor is for real without their judgment being impaired by hard liquor and quaaludes. Apparently, however, this is the case.

When I read about the false Lohner and his unholy web of lies and deception, I realized that I must inform others of this horrid man immediately, in order to prevent such atrocities from happening again in the future. Well, actually I forgot about it for a couple of weeks and made fun of Trent Reznor for something else, but then I remembered it again and decided I might as well go ahead and write some dumb bullshit about it.

As you all know, the sole purpose and intent of The Meathead Perspective is to provide the public with current, in-depth information that most NIN news sites don't bother to mention. While the Danny Lohner impostor has been mentioned on other sites, I have decided to take it one step further by informing NIN fans how to avoid falling prey to fake Nine Inch Nails.

Take a look at the image on the left. At first glance, you probably thought, "Hey, that's Charlie Clouser of Nine Inch Nails wearing sexy green shorts!" But upon closer look, you will notice that it is in fact not Charlie Clouser. Notice how the man in this picture is not playing a keyboard like the real Charlie does, but instead is playing a xylophone. That is a dead giveaway that this person is not Charlie Clouser. Now you know how easy it can be to be fooled by a Nine Inch Nails impostor. It takes a watchful eye and careful attention to detail.

Don't get discouraged. Even though it may seem overwhelmingly difficult to distinguish a Nine Inch Nails band member from some inbred idiot pretending to be a Nine Inch Nails band member in a pitiful attempt to get laid, it will get easier with some practice. Let's try another exercise, shall we?


SPOT THE FALSE TRENT REZNOR


No, you're not seeing double... One of the above Trent Reznors is an impostor! Take a moment and see if you can pick out which one is the bastard wannabe Trent.



If you chose B, you're right! If you chose A, please click the X in the upper right corner of your screen and never visit this site again.

To those of you who did choose B, either you just guessed, or you're getting smarter! Did you pick out the tell-tale signs the impostor gave away? Let's look at the facts:


Trent Reznor A is screaming into a microphone, like the real Trent Reznor does.

Trent Reznor B is holding a cup of soda in his right hand, whereas the real Trent Reznor would be holding a bottle of beer.

Trent Reznor B is wearing a Rod Stewart T-shirt, while the real Trent Reznor only wears his Rod Stewart T-shirt when the cameras are off.

Trent Reznor A is a real, living person, while Trent Reznor B is a crappy drawing I made with Paintbrush.



By now you should be getting the hang of this. I'm going to assume that you now know how to differentiate between the real Nine Inch Nails and the fake ones. But don't go anywhere, I'm not done with you yet.

Spotting an impostor is only the first step, however.. Now let's learn how to properly deal with these cretins in a quick, effective manner.

1. Confront the NIN impostor.
When a NIN impostor is spotted, cautiously approach him and address him in a steady, firm tone of voice. Tell the impostor that you are not fooled; you know he is not real. It is vitally important not to show any signs of confusion or fear. The NIN impostor preys on confusion and fear, and will use those feelings against you in order to make you think he is really in Nine Inch Nails. If the NIN impostor does not confess when initially confronted, proceed to Step 2.


2. Attack the NIN impostor.
Wait until the impostor's attention is diverted, then immediately seize the opportunity to jump on the impostor's back and begin hitting him in any way you can. The key here is the element of surprise. If the NIN impostor sees you coming, he can easily dodge you, and then beat the crap out of you. Once the impostor starts to show signs of fatigue, proceed to step 3.


3. Take down the NIN impostor.
When the NIN impostor's defenses wear down, you can safely bring him down and pin him to the ground. Once the impostor is on the ground, resume hitting him, preferably in the back and the head. Continue doing so until either the impostor's ass is sufficiently beaten, or until the police arrive.


4. Use good judgment.
Whoops! Looks like we jumped the gun, and have been attacking a real member of Nine Inch Nails. When this happens, the proper thing to do is simply apologize, and walk away. Of course, the best thing to do is to make sure you're dealing with a NIN impostor in the first place. A momentary lapse of reason could result in a rather embarrassing situation! So be sure to use your head before your fists.


Well, kids, I hope you've learned something from today's lesson. Always keep your eyes open, and don't believe someone just because they vaguely look like Robin Finck when you squint. Bye for now!




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