March 21, 2001
Where The Hell Is The DVD? Ch.2
Some of you have brought to my attention the fact that New Orleans does not have the Verizon telephone service, but Bell South instead. But allow me to point out that in real life, Sting does not kidnap other rock stars (to my knowledge), Nine Inch Nails band members do not call me whenever there is a problem, and I do not wear a shower cap. Therefore I don't think there's really any point in nitpicking over little inaccuracies.
"You're all going to fucking jail for this, you know." Trent shot a glance at Matthew Lesko, then Sting, and finally James Earl Jones, who was sitting on the seat beside him.
"You're fucking insane! What the hell are you guys thinking? Especially you, James Earl Jones! Those two over there, okay, maybe I could imagine them being involved in a kidnapping. But you, I always thought you had some dignity! Christ!"
"Will you please shut up?" snapped James Earl Jones. "Why did you two morons bring him along? You were only supposed to take the DVD and get out!"
"Sting said we can hold him for ransom to get some extra cash," replied Lesko. "This whole crazy scam about the government giving out free money doesn't pay for shit, you know. I haven't sold one book in the past six months! God, I'm such a failure."
"Yeah," added Sting, "and considering how my last album was a total disaster, I've been trying to make ends meet by writing horrible songs for Disney movies."
"The deal was for you to get me the DVD, then you recieve your money," said James Earl Jones. "But since you decided to drag Mr. Reznor along for the ride, you've completely messed everything up. You told me you were going to go in there 'all Mission: Impossible style' and get the disc with no complications. And I still don't understand why you felt it necessary to take Mr. Lesko with you."
"HEY, FUCK YOU, MAN!" interjected Lesko. "FUCK YOU! FUCK ALL OF YOU!"
"Settle down!" exclaimed Sting. "Jesus! Have you been taking your medication?"
"NO! YOU'RE ALL OUT TO GET ME! THE GOVERNMENT SENT YOU, DIDN'T THEY? YEAH, I KNOW TOO MUCH!"
"Sit down and shut up!" demanded James Earl Jones.
"Oh no," Lesko growled, "just because you're Darth Vader, that doesn't mean you can just BARK ORDERS AT ME!"
Trent looked around nervously as Lesko continued with his methamphetamine-induced tirade.
"Matthew, relax!" pleaded Sting. "You'll get paid. This will all be over soon. Just calm down. Nobody's out to get you."
"Oh yeah? Blow me!" Lesko snapped. "You too, Darth! You can all eat my SHIT! I'm outta here, and I'm taking Troy over there with me!"
"Uh.. my name's Tr--"
Before Trent could finish his sentence, Lesko grabbed onto his arm, and before Trent could object, Lesko lept gracefully from the speeding limousine, pulling poor Trent along behind him.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch...
Charlie returned to the studio to find Danny, Leo, Rob and Keith Hillebrandt eagerly waiting for any bit of news Charlie might have brought with him.
"Did you talk to Meathead?" Danny asked eagerly.
"Yeah, he's on his way," replied Charlie. "I don't like the looks of this situation though. I think we might have to come to terms with the fact that we might never see the DVD again."
"And Trent, too," added Keith.
"Well, yeah, him too," Charlie nodded.
"Trent GONE?" asked Rob, his eyes wide. "D-d-does this mean... Rob.. go free?"
Charlie scratched his goatee. "Hmm... well-- Damn it, Leo! For the last time, will you stop doing that? That's disgusting!"
Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. Charlie immediately rushed to answer.
"Meathead! What the fuck, I just called you not more than five minutes ago!"
"I drive really fast," replied Meathead.
There was a brief silence.
"Oh..kay..", said Charlie, finally. "Well, come in.. i guess."
Meathead followed Charlie into the studio and into the room where the others were waiting.
"Hey Meathead," said Leo with a smile.
"Oh God, that's disgusting," said Meathead, averting his eyes.
"MEAT!" exclaimed Rob, who immediately bounded across the room toward Meathead.
"What the-- OH MY GOD!!"
Meathead screamed in horror as Rob proceeded to sink his teeth into his unsuspecting arm, and then sever it entirely.
"Damn it, Rob!" shouted Danny. "You really need to quit doing that!"
"I sorry," Rob said meekly, then returned to snacking on Meathead's amputated limb.
"Trent really never did feed that boy enough," Keith said, shaking his head.
"Anyway," interrupted Charlie, "back to the business at hand. You think you can help us out with our little dilemma, Meathead?"
"The pain!! Make it STOP!!", cried Meathead in agony.
"Aw hell," said Charlie. "He's bleeding all over the place. Trent just had this carpet put in the other day too. Somebody go get a towel! Goddamn."