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June 20, 2001
I Should Be Directing Nine Inch Nails Videos

Contrary to whatever lies you may have heard on the CBS Evening News, I am not currently dead. The whole thing was Axl's fault anyway. Then again, if you don't know what I'm talking about... forget I said anything. It was all just a big joke. HA HA HA! Bastards.

Anyhow, I feel it is my duty to inform you that there's a new Nine Inch Nails video out now for the song 'Deep'. I haven't seen it yet since I lack what's known as a "television that functions", although I am downloading it as I type this (don't bother asking me where I'm getting it from, because I'm sure as hell not going to tell your sorry ass). When it's done, I'll type up a review immediately. I have no doubt that it's an amazingly wonderful video that does justice to the song, which will certainly be revered by NIN fans as a moving, inspiring classic for years to come, just like "Down In It (Singe)".

From what I've heard, the new video consists of T. Diddy cruising around in a beat-up car and getting covered in slime, and then I understand he makes a booty call at the end, or something. Doesn't that sound exciting? If I'd seen the video yet, I'd go ahead and post a bunch of pictures from it and make fun of it, since that's the only thing I know how to do. I'll just have to do that later, I guess.

In the meantime, I've found another way to waste your time. I was just sitting around the other day eating Cap'n Crunch and thinking about how unfair it is that this Enda McCallion bozo gets to direct this new Nine Inch Nails video and not me. Frankly, I'm shocked and dismayed that Trent Reznor has yet to approach me for ideas for music videos. Maybe the fact that I consistently ridicule his hard work rubbed him the wrong way, or maybe he just lost my number. I don't know. Anyway, I have about a million and a half ideas for totally cool Nine Inch Nails videos that would make Carson Daly say "wow, that was a totally cool Nine Inch Nails video" and actually mean it. Not that Carson Daly's opinion has any value whatsoever... it's just a figure of speech. Leave me alone!

I'm confident that Trent will change his attitude once he hears the awesome ideas I have in my head, and realizes how awesome they are. He'll finally understand that I'm the one who belongs in the director's chair, not those losers like McCallion, Mark Romanek and Marilyn Manson, and I'll finally be able to stop leaving creepy messages on his machine. Awesome.

As director, I would make Nine Inch Nails videos so incredible and breathtaking, that MTV would actually show interest in playing them, until Sisqo or who-the-hell-ever comes out with something they like better. They might even actually win an award once in a while, since they'd be so darn cool and interesting.

Because I'm a mean jerk, I've written up a list of Nine Inch Nails videos, what I think is wrong with them, and how I would have made them better had I directed them.

Down In It

What's wrong with it: The appearance of Richard Patrick spoils what would otherwise have been an absolutely flawless video. Well, now that I think about it, I guess I should say the appearance of Richard Patrick, as well as everything else in the video, spoils what would have otherwise been an absolutely flawless video.

How Meathead would have made it better: Dress Trent and pals in gorilla suits and have them dance around while eating bananas and urinating on a large photograph of cEvin Key.


Sin

What's wrong with it: Too short. Song used is not original "Sin" from album, but remix version with annoying "tinkytinky" drums.

How Meathead would have made it better: Replace scenes of man waving phallus with scenes of Trent eating a Hot Pocket?. Replace scenes of Trent spinning around with scenes of Trent eating a Hot Pocket? (sorry, I guess I just like Hot Pockets). Oh, and to make the video longer, I'd replace the music with "Shine On You Crazy Diamond" by Pink Floyd.



Happiness In Slavery

What's wrong with it: Shows a naked man being tortured and having his genitalia removed by robot claws, while enjoying it. I would rather not watch that, thanks.

How Meathead would have made it better: Instead of a man being tortured, show Trent Reznor and G. Love roasting marshmallows in front of a K-Mart. For the fans who'd miss hearing the tortured screams along with the music, resurrect Sam Kinison and have him run in circles around the campfire while dressed as Abraham Lincoln and twirling a mace in the air.


Closer

What's wrong with it: Unnecessary images of a nude androgynous bald person. Not enough monkey torture. Scary-looking old people.

How Meathead would have made it better: Don't get me wrong, I completely understand the relevance of old men to this song, but did they have to pick such frightening ones for the video? If I had directed this video, I would have selected more friendly, appealing old men, such as Don Rickles, Mickey Rooney, Larry "Bud" Melmann, and Don Knotts. And there would be far more emphasis on crucified monkeys. Also, why did they use such old, crappy film? Trent Reznor is rich and famous, you'd think he could have thrown in a little more money for some decent quality film. Seriously, you can buy a blank 6-hour videocassette (which is far more than enough for one music video!) for like, 4 bucks.


We're In This Together

What's wrong with it: Too many people running to no specific place for no specific reason. Trent tries to blend in with everyone else and "act natural" by running along with them even though he's not Mexican and sticks out like a sore thumb. Final scene invokes mental image of thousands of naked guys wandering around somewhere.

How Meathead would have made it better: What this video really lacks is a reason for all these idiots to be running. Why didn't director Mark Pellington think to include a giant monster that destroys the city? Or maybe just an enormous, drunken Eddie Vedder? You'd think that would be obvious. If I had directed this video, I would have made Trent Reznor wear an oversized hot pink cowboy hat (while leaving the rest of the video in black and white), as he runs with his hombres to escape Al Roker on a crystal meth binge, with an appetite for human brains. Oh, and in my version, everyone keeps their clothes on at the end. Especially Al.



So, Trent, I will once again fax my résumé to you, (I promise not to send a copy of my ass as a cover sheet this time) and I eagerly look forward to directing all your videos from now on. I'm also available for crappy MS Paint album cover art, if you're interested.


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