October 5, 2001
Take This Job And Shove It
It seems that there are a lot of people out there who are rather dissatisfied with their place of employment. Because, let's face it, 99% of all jobs out there suck large quantities of ass. That is, assuming any of you who read this even have jobs... you bunch of goddamn lazy bastards. Of course, I'm not one of these people. I love my job, which is simply to entertain (annoy) thousands of Nine Inch Nails fans. It brings me so much happiness and contentment that I don't need to "get paid". The constant flow of e-mails saying "go to hell", "hurry up and update you assface", and "quit making fun of my band" are all the reimbursement I need to make it all worthwhile.
But enough about me! I understand that many of you are probably at this moment reading this while crouched in a cramped cubicle and fashioning a noose out of rubber bands and paper clips. For those of you who are in this position, I thought I'd try to help out by offering slightly more agreeable suggestions than taking your own life. There are better jobs out there, if you know where to look. And, naturally, what better place to look than the Meathead Perspective? Sure, you could go to a "legitimate" site like Monster.com or Hotjobs.com, but only whining little sissies go there. And I know you don't want everybody to think you're a sissy.
You probably didn't know that there are quite a few exciting positions available with everyone's favorite hip-hop group, Nine Inch Nails. I bet you never even bothered to look. That's okay, because I did all the work for you. After minutes and minutes of research, I have compiled a short list of some of the hottest careers available in the Nine Inch Nails field, and lucky for you, they're practically easy enough for a poorly-trained chimp to handle with ease. You'd better grab them fast, before some other loser beats you to it.
Title: Executive Assistant Time Waster
Experience Required: Must be somewhat familiar with Playstation and/or Nintendo games. Knowledge of rules for Yahtzee and Scrabble also a plus.
Salary: $25,000 per annum
Job Description: You will assist Trent Reznor in fucking off all day by engaging him in games such as Super Mario Bros., Crash Bandicoot, Tekken and Quake III Arena. You will also distract Mr. Reznor while in the studio by telling him lengthy jokes and amusing anectodes. Placing distracting items such as Rubik's Cubes and Slinkys in Mr. Reznors workplace is also strongly recommended. You may find that phrases such as "Boy, I sure could go for some ice cream right about now" and "I hear Zoolander is kinda funny if you see it a fourth time" are quite effective in keeping Mr. Reznor from doing anything productive.
Title: Project Delayer
Experience Required: Must know how to break stuff.
Salary: $31,000 per annum
Job Description: Somewhat similar to the previously mentioned position, except this one pays more. Occasionally, Mr. Reznor finishes a project on schedule. Of course, it would be inappropriate for Nine Inch Nails to release something on time, so when this happens, someone is needed to fuck things up and delay the project for several months/years afterwards. You must do this by causing technical difficulties and such, so that Mr. Reznor can blame the delays on something else besides his playing video games. Try "accidentally" spilling assorted beverages on his expensive studio equipment, and prying the knobs and buttons off with a knife.
Title: Song De-sucker
Experience Required: The ability to stand around and push buttons. Clipboard-holding may also be involved on occasion.
Salary: $50,000 per annum
Job Description: As the title implies, your duty is to remove the suck from Nine Inch Nails songs before Mr. Reznor lets anybody else hear them. Fortunately, with the new, amazing Mr. De-Sucko 5000, you can de-suck any amount of music with ease in only a matter of hours! Prior to this fab new contraption, all the de-sucking was done by hand, and in some cases, Fixed none was done at all! This job is really easy, as long as you don't FUCK IT UP. Now, you're probably wondering what happens to all the sucky parts once the songs are processed. Well, Mr. Reznor is nothing if not generous and giving. He donates all the leftover crap to bands like Filter and Stabbing Westward, so that they don't have to write their own original material.
Title: Annoying Dumb Ass
Experience Required: A sick, unhealthy fascination with Nine Inch Nails. Must know Microsoft Paint and Notepad, and have nothing better to do with free time. Bitter, cynical outlook on life also a plus.
Salary: $Jack Squat per annum
Job Description: Fun, excitement and glamour is what this career is all about! Oh, wait, I was thinking of a different job. This one's okay though, I guess. That is, if you derive some sort of perverse pleasure out of mocking Trent Reznor and Nine Inch Nails all the time. And if you prefer being hunched in front of your monitor all day, drawing stupid pictures and developing carpal tunnel syndrome instead of "leading a satisfying, productive lifestyle", then this job is definitely right up your alley. As far as benefits go, well... um... did I mention carpal tunnel syndrome? Actually... nevermind, this position has already been filled. Sorry. You snooze, you lose.
Nine Inch Nails just personally sent me this e-mail! Holy shit! Oh wait, that's right, I already knew about this. Oh well, for the 4 people who don't know yet: