March 8, 2002
The Internet is truly a wonderful invention. You can use it to access practically any information you want in a matter of moments, and you can communicate in real-time with others all over the globe. Never before has there been such potential for people to share their thoughts and ideas with the rest of the world. But unfortunately, stupid people found out about it, and today the Internet is mostly just a bunch of inbred Limp Bizkit and/or NASCAR fans who couldn't spell the word "you" to save their pathetic lives.
As much as we'd all like to think the Nine Inch Nails Internet community ("NINternet") is somehow exempt from this cold reality, such is not the case, as can already be gathered here. However, thanks to the insanely popular person-to-person auction website eBay, this NINternet stupidity has been brought to an entirely new level. While many people use eBay to buy and sell legitimate Nine Inch Nails items, such as CD's, vinyl and posters, there is a disturbingly high amount of extraordinarily stupid shit being auctioned -- and even more disturbing -- actually getting sold.
As a public service to you (and to get you to shut the hell up and stop bugging me), I just thought I'd call attention to a few of these Nine Inch Nails-related items that fall into the "really stupid shit" category. I can't make this stuff up.
NIN's "The CRC SESSIONS" is an Unplugged/Acoustic Tour de Force recorded by Trent Reznor at the Chicago Recording Company during NIN's 2000 Fragility 2.0 Tour. This is an incredible recording that showcases Reznor's musical and songwriting prowess while sitting at a piano with just a handful of lucky fans in the background. Unlike other intimate performances where the music takes a backstage to questions from the audience and answers from the artist, these songs need no introduction and shine as bright as the originals. A must for any NIN fan, the sound quality of this recording is an "A". You will not be disappointed. Tracks included are: SOMETHING I CAN NEVER HAVE, THE DAY THE WORLD WENT AWAY, HURT(PART 1), EVEN DEEPER, THE BIG COME DOWN, THE FRAGILE AND HURT(PART 2).
That's right, folks. This is definitely a "must for any NIN fan". All NIN fans must buy this crappy-looking CD-R of "rare" mp3's that can be easily found on the Internet for free. The "artwork" on this steaming pile of dung makes David Carson look like Leonardo da Vinci. Maybe I'm just old-fashioned, but I think that if you're going to burn copies of someone else's music and sell it online for profit, you could at least make some goddamned half-decent art to go with it. Jesus Christ.
The really sad thing is, there are several of these being auctioned off on eBay at this very moment, and people are actually bidding on them. These people need to be located and smothered with a pillow in their sleep. Seriously.
Your bidding on this Nine Inch Nails (NIN): The End Of The Spiral Cd that is brand NEW and in perfect condition. The song listings are: 1.ONE (METALLICA COVER) 2.PERFECT DRUG (REMIX) 3.RED SCAB 4.BEAUTIFUL HYPOCRITE W/ WRAITH 5.MAYBE JUST ONCE (UNRELEASED '88) 6.ANGEL (DEMO) 7.GET DOWN MAKE LOVE (QUEEN COVER) 8.MY OWN SUMMER (DEFTONES COVER) 9.SYMPHONY OF DESTRUCTION (MEGADETH COVER) 10.MEMORABILIA 11.THE BECOMING (LIVE) 12.RUINER 13.NOW IM NOTHING (UNRELEASED LIVE '88) 14.THEME FROM THE RIGHT TRACK (UNRELEASED INSTRUMENTAL '88) 15.REPTILE (LIVE W/ DAVID BOWIE '95) 16.PUREST FEELINGS (UNRELEASED '88) 17.SLOWDRIVER feat. MARILYN MANSON 18.DOWN IN THE PARK feat. MARILYN MANSON
Of course, not long after discovering the previous CD did I stumble across this gem. This person, who obviously lacks the talent to clearly photograph a stationary small object at close range, is selling yet another crappy CD-R with such popular tracks as "Beautiful Hypocrite", "Angel", and Nine Inch Nails' cover of "One" by Metallica. Oh my god, I was looking all over for that one! It's too bad that the Nine Inch Nails performance of the Legend of Zelda theme wasn't included, because that really would have rounded off this otherwise definitive NIN collection.
It would be nice if this stupid shit was limited to ridiculous bootlegs only, but it isn't. No, instead it has managed to spread into the realm of computer accessories as well. This retina-scarring mousepad shown here on your left can be yours for only $6.99 (assuming no other idiot bids on it) plus $2.50 S&H! The artwork featured on this mousepad was created by actual ecstasy junkies! Serious bidders only!
This auction is 100% satisfaction guaranteed. Personally, I'd be 100% satisfied if whoever came up with this foul thing was forbidden from coming in contact with a computer for the rest of their life.
This, my friends, is no ordinary button. According to the seller, who hails from Garbage Dump, New Jersey, this is a "Nine Inch Nails pin badge techno goth reznor". And right now it's only going for two bucks! What a steal!
This rare collector's item is special because it shows Trent during the "flaming beard era" (which was later copied by Marilyn Manson in his "beard of bees era"). There are very few of these in existence. In fact, I have no reason to believe that there are any others in existence at all. I wonder why. One thing's for sure, though: Once your techno goth friends see you sporting this classy badge, they'll murder you out of jealousy!
-Great gifts for friends, family or yourself.
-Great for bars, bedrooms, even outdoors!
Once in a while there does come a time when I feel a little embarrassed for being a fan of Nine Inch Nails. This is one of those times. You see, I really don't want other people to think that I would want this sign anywhere within a ten-mile radius of my home. But obviously there are some who do think this way, and while nobody has bid on this item at the time of this writing, someone probably will before the auction is over, because some people just have an insatiable appetite for really stupid shit. I bet it'll be the same person who buys that "End Of The Spiral" CD.
I guess one good thing that can be said for this sign is that it's apparently made of high quality, heavy gauge aluminum and not cheap plastic. That means it'll hurt a lot more when you beat its owner mercilessly with it in front of his girlfriend.
While eBay can be good for some things, if you want to buy Nine Inch Nails merchandise, go somewhere respectable like Object Merch (you even get a free sticker!) instead of cheap, poorly-made garbage. But as if all this dumb, ridiculous crap wasn't enough to make one discard any remaining faith in humanity that they might have, there is something else going on that I felt needed to be discussed separately from the other stuff, and that is FAKE TRENT REZNOR AUTOGRAPHS. At any given time, there are literally dozens of eBay auctions for items that are purportedly signed by Trent himself. However, since my parents are not cousins, it's easy for me to recognize that 99.9% of these are absolutely fake, and the remaining 0.01% are arguably legitimate at best. Well, I guess it's not so much the people who bid on these that bother me, since some of these do appear as if they could be real, but I honestly believe that the person(s) responsible for creating these fakes should be stabbed with a rusty knife and left for dead in a highway median strip.
Let's take a look at Trent Reznor's beautiful signature:
That is what an authentic Trent Reznor autograph looks like. Sure, unless he uses a rubber stamp, there will be some variations, but that's basically it. Take a long, hard look at it, and DON'T FUCKING FORGET IT! Now, let's look at some of these auctions by people who will certainly burn in hell.
The "autograph" on the right is actually part of a framed set which includes a CD and the Downward Spiral lyric book, and is being auctioned for $61.89. The middle one (this seller is also offering Things Falling Apart and The Downward Spiral with the same bogus signature) has this notice at the bottom of the page: "Auctions are private because of unscrupulous people spamming the bidders with nonsense.." you know, as opposed to those moral, upstanding people who sell fake autographs to unsuspecting fans on the Internet. A number of these even come with a "Certificate of Authenticity", which apparently anyone can buy at Wal-Mart for about 75 cents each.
In conclusion, I feel that it might be best for everyone to just avoid the Internet altogether. Go read a book or something. Thank you.