March 31, 2002
As you may have noticed, www.nin.com has been updated with a new photograph that has caused a lot of people to squeal with giddiness. And who can blame them? It's an awfully darn cool picture. It's got a bunch of cool people in it. That Trent guy is in it, too! Let's take a look at this picture now.
If you look to the left, you'll see Maynard James Keenan (if you do not know who this person is, please leave immediately) enjoying what appears to be a Starbucks Frappucino?. Say what you like about Starbucks being the epitome of pure, hideous, unbridled evil, but their Frappucinos? sure are tasty. It should come as no surprise that Maynard, being a man of taste, occasionally takes a break from recording albums that kick enormous amounts of ass to savor this particular ice cold, refreshing treat.
Seated beside Mr. Keenan is
Next we can see the dashing Atticus Ross, whose band 12 Rounds should have had a new album out like a long time ago, maintaining a comfortable distance from Maynard, who in all actuality probably did just cut one.
Finally, on the right, there's T. Diddy coveting Maynard's Frappucino?. If it were anyone other than Maynard, he would probably be smacked repeatedly for not bringing enough for everybody.
Now, what do these guys all have in common? Why would they be hanging out in Trent's phat studio? What is the common thread that unites these four kinda-popular rock musicians? If you said "eggs", you're absolutely right! Wait... no. That's not right. I don't know why I said that. Let me start over. Okay. If you said "TAPEWORM", you're absolutely right! There we go. This is why everyone is all happy crappy about this picture. Well, that and the Frappucino? thing of course. Could this new picture mean that there is in fact work being done on this elusive Tapeworm project that we've all heard so much about? Does it mean that we actually will someday listen to Tapeworm in all it's Tapewormy glory? Of course not. Why? Because the picture is FAKE. 100% complete B.S.
That's what they want you to think. They want you to get all hyper and excited about Tapeworm. They want you to go out and tell all your friends about Tapeworm. They want you to set aside spaces in your CD rack for Tapeworm CD's. But what you don't know is that throughout this whole time they are, and always have been, laughing at you.
You will never listen to a Tapeworm song. No one has ever listened to a Tapeworm song, because the truth is that there are no Tapeworm songs. Not even that song that A Perfect Circle was playing live for a while. That was probably just some Jimmy Buffett cover or something. Tapeworm is just a big joke that Trent, Maynard, Danny... all those guys are in on. Tapeworm will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever be released. Ever. Mark my words.
The fact that this picture is a hoax only proves this even further. It's a very clever forgery, but there are some rather obvious inconsistencies that give it away. For example, note how Maynard is wearing clothing. This alone should be enough to make anyone realize this picture is phony. Of course, some may argue that Maynard is probably not wearing any pants. That's a valid point. But if you look closely at Trent on the right, you can see that his hot sexy beard is missing! How can someone have a beard one day, and then no beard the next? That's just plain ridiculous. And you can tell that the legal pad in front of Maynard has been edited to conceal whatever was written on it. I don't know what was written on it, but it was probably this:
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I just think it's finally time to put a stop to this chicanery known as Tapeworm. As cool as it would be if it were real, it really is nothing more than so much hot air, and anyone who indicates otherwise is a big fat liar. They might as well have updated the website with this picture instead.
From now on, don't buy into Trent's deceitful website of lies and trickery. Always rely on The Meathead Perspective for the plain, gospel truth about Nine Inch Nails. I would never lie to you.