May 17, 2002
Happy Birthday To You, You Live In A Zoo, You Look Like A Monkey, And You Smell Like One Too

This should probably go without saying, but just to make sure everyone is aware: Today is the birthday of everybody's favorite goth rocker, Enya!

Happy Birthday Enya!

Oh, and it's Trent Reznor's birthday too. And since this internet website is about Nine Inch Nails and not Enya (for now), I decided to do something to commemorate the 37th anniversary of Trent's birth.

You know, it seems like only 18 years ago that Trent was kicking out the phat jams with Option 30, and now he's all grown up, doing the "Nine Inch Nails" thing. Boy, a lot sure has happened since those days. Who can forget that one "spiral" album, or that time Trent did the thing with the sheep? Those were great times indeed. But now is not merely a time to reflect on the past, but it's also a time to look ahead, to those next precious few years left before Trent retires and becomes a Vegas lounge singer. Not that there's anything wrong with being a Vegas lounge singer; it's still better than being Scott Stapp. Man, that guy sure does suck.

37 isn't really that old, though. Well, maybe to Eminem it is, but that's neither here nor there. We should just be glad Trent is alive in the first place. Lord knows we don't need any more dead musicians right now. Maybe later, but definitely not now. I hope to still be able to make fun of El Rezzo when he's 85 and wearing a diaper (not like that'll be very hard). Fortunately, Trent is one of those special people who can make great music without heroin, so that's a very likely possibility.

Anyway, I was sitting in my basement thinking of something I could do for Trent's birthday, but I kept hitting a wall. Then my hand started to bleed, so I sat down and tried to think harder. I thought about manipulating the song "Pinion" into the Happy Birthday song, but then I remembered I already did that two years ago. Then I forgot I did it and started to do it again anyway. Then I remembered again, and so I cried for a while.

Finally I decided that the best way to honor this event would be to write a deep, meaningful song that would express my gratitude for the ways in which Trent's music has affected my life. That's right, when I'm not writing knee-slappingly funny humor columns, I'm also a bit of a songwriter. It's something I take very seriously, and I'm delighted to finally be able to share some of my work with you, the reader. I got the inspiration to write this piece a few days ago, during a hallucinogenic episode I experienced shortly after drinking an entire bottle of Listerine. Much to my surprise, an accompanying Flash animation somehow showed up on my hard drive the next morning. I hope you enjoy watching it as much as I enjoyed being chased around my back yard by a screaming midget sent from God.

To Click Here Please Thank You

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