June 5, 2002
I was stumbling recklessly through the Inter-Net™ earlier today, and somehow wound up at the Official Filter Website, while searching for a recipe for absinthe so I could be like Trent Resner in the Perfect Drug video. At first I thought I had arrived at some crappy fan site created by an insane idiot with not even the most basic comprehension of the concept of aesthetics. But then, after doing a little investigating, I soon realized with horror that this was in fact the official site, which was apparently made by Rob Sheridan's retarded half-brother during one of his "off" days. Of course, I've been to this site several times before, but upon each visit the site has had a completely redone layout which amazingly managed to suck an equal amount of horse ass as its predecessor.
Now, mind you, I wouldn't waste your time by writing a Meathead Perspective about the mere fact that Filter's website blows (actually I probably would), but I noticed something that I felt the hot, moist need to share with you. Aside from the usual dumb pictures and buttons that beep annoyingly when you pass your mouse over them, there's a particular section of the site brilliantly titled "Rich Words," where Richard Patrick pretends to be deep and/or insightful by writing paragraph after paragraph about his crappy band and his crappy thoughts on life. While the thought of that is amusing by itself, the actual content of Rich's latest words is even more so.
Aww, how sweet! This heartwarming sentiment is in response to the following scathing remarks by Fred in the July 2002 issue of Playboy:
Look, Richard is having a feud with Fred Durst, just like Trent! Except the stuff Trent said about Fred was intentionally funny. It's cute, in a sad, slightly nauseating kind of way, watching these two people nobody cares about battling it out in the media like that. How did Fred ruin rock and roll? Well, releasing Three Dollar Bill, Y'all, Significant Other, and Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water didn't really help. And I don't know what's worse, that Richard is whining about Fred not being his friend anymore, or the fact that he openly admitted going to a Puddle of Mudd concert.
I think the biggest problem with Richard and Fred is that neither of them seem to realize that their respective bands suck. See, when Reznor and Durst were exchanging words, it was different because Nine Inch Nails doesn't suck, and that presented an obvious conflict of interests between the two musicians. But in this case of Limp Bizkit and Filter, both bands make horrible, horrible music, so there really shouldn't be any reason for them to be fighting, should there? Of course not. To help illustrate this fact (and to take up space), I drew up this scientific diagram in about four minutes using a highly overpriced graphics utility.
As you can see, music is divided into two distinct sections: the Cool Zone (highlighted in blue for those of you who can't read), and the Crap Zone (highlighted in red because you're stupid). I don't know where that yellow dotted line came from. Music that is cool is located in the Cool Zone, whereas the music that sucks is located in the Crap Zone. Of course, everyone has varying opinions on what is good music, but since this is my website and not yours, my opinion is the only one that matters and you can go to hell. If you'll take a look at the Crap Zone, you will notice that both Filter and Limp Bizkit are found there, henceforth proving that both bands are, well, crap.
So, Richard Patrick and Fred Durst, if you're reading this -- and I'm positive that you are -- I hope that I have made it clear to both of you that both of your bands are a scourge upon the face of the earth. Neither of you will ever accomplish anything that matters in this lifetime (aside from Richard's drone guitar at the end of "Sanctified"). And not only is your music extremely bad, but you also have terrible album titles and covers. So please stop fighting already! You should learn to suck together in peace, and then maybe you two can start going to Puddle of Mudd concerts again. Come on. It's okay. Meathead is here for you. Now, how about a hug?
There you go! Now, doesn't that make you feel better?