July 18, 2002
A Complete Waste Of Time

I've noticed that many of you have been whining and complaining like little spoiled babies about the lack of HOT NEW EXCITING Nine Inch Nails news updates on the NIN Hotline lately. You know, that might just have something to do with the fact that there isn't anything really new to report at the moment. It's a possibility worth considering, at least. Think about it.

Of course, there have been the super-exciting new photos at the Tapeworm website. But even this is only enough to make Trent Reznor's psychotic fan base grow even more restless than before. Instead of saying, "Thank you, members of Tapeworm, for these breathtaking new images," the average response has been "FUK U TRENNT I WANT MOR PICTURE TAPEWERM I WANNEW ALBEM U MAK NEW ALBEM NOW!!!!11"

Now, since this is the most important website on the Internet, I feel somewhat obliged to do something to help calm the aforementioned emotionally unstable Trent followers. After pondering this issue on the toilet for about 10 minutes, I came up with a terrific idea! Well, not so much "terrific" as "annoying and slightly depressing." It suddenly occurred to me that instead of sitting on our respective fat asses eating Funyuns and waiting for new Tapeworm pictures to come along, we could sit on our fat asses eating Funyuns and make our own Tapeworm pictures! I'm really smart! Of course I recognize that not all of you are blessed with Godlike artistic abilities like myself, so I've invented a brand new device to make it easy for anyone, no matter how stupid, to create their own personal Tapeworm images, just like the real ones on the Internet!

As part of my ongoing crusade to prevent you from spending your time productively, I am unnecessarily proud to present the TapeworMatic 8500X Image Generator! It's pathetically easy to use, as shown in the diagram below. Just click and drag objects from below, and click the buttons on the right. Click on the character buttons more than once for extra fun!

Now, try it for yourself! And quit whining already. Christ.

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