September 17, 2002
Hey I, I, I, I'm Still Alive
Some of you may or may not have noticed that I haven't updated for a really long time. Some of you may even actually give a shit. The reason for this particular drought of really funny Nine Inch Nails crap is not that I'm dead, or in jail. It's not because I was passed out in my yard for two months either. Or in the hospital. Or tied up and gagged with duct tape and locked in the trunk of Chuck Woolery's Dodge Stratus. No, unfortunately I can't blame it on any of those things this time. The fact of the matter is that, well, I haven't really had anything worthwhile to say. Then again, some may argue that I never really have anything worthwhile to say, but that's beside the point. Shut up.
To show off how smart I am, I came up with the following complex mathematical formula to further explain the lack of meaty updates (or even vegan tofu-substitute updates):
As you can see, I've been having an unusually severe case of writer's block recently. If you don't know what writer's block is, imagine trying to think of an idea while an inexplicably enraged orangutan bashes you in the head with a large skillet over and over. Okay, that's a pretty shitty analogy. But that just further illustrates my point. I suddenly realized that I was turning into Trent Reznor. Well, minus the whole "famous and important rock musician who has David Bowie's phone number" aspect. But the "sitting on my ass playing PlayStation" part was totally there.
This crippling affliction was in no way made easier by the fact that there has been absolutely nothing newsworthy happening in NIN Land? recently. Okay, sure, there's that little blurb about Trent hanging out with that Bob Marley wannabe motherfucker from Rage Against the Machine, and a couple more insanely interesting pictures of Trent and pals engaging in vague, work-like poses in the studio. And apparently someone decided to use a Nine Inch Nails song in some commercial. That's fantastic, really. But aside from these earth-shattering headlines, we lowly fans have been experiencing a dearth of Nine Inch Nails news that rivals the hellishly long period between The Downward Spiral and The Fragile, during which I spent a considerable amount of time under the utmost convictions that Trent Reznor was in fact dead. Of course, there was no Meathead Perspective yet at that time (that I know of, at least), and there probably couldn't have been one unless I just made a bunch of shit up, ? la that "Reznor's Edge" website, which was about as amusing as five swift kicks to the groin in rapid succession.
But now here we are in the sickeningly wonderful year of 2002, and it's starting to resemble late 1998, when we could "expect The Fragile to be released very very soon!!" Add to that the ever-increasing rumors of the impending demise of Nine Inch Nails and Nothing Records, and the Tapeworm record which will be released at approximately the same time that the Beatles launch their next world tour. Let's just say I haven't exactly been overwhelmed with inspiration lately. I did in fact make a few attempts at kickstarting my defective brain into gear and writing a new Meathead Perspective column, but unfortunately everything I could come up with turned out unimaginably lame and contrived (even by Meathead Perspective standards), not too unlike something you'd encounter somewhere like here.
Now, I understand that El Rezzo probably has plenty of things going on at the moment, and isn't particularly concerned about getting the next NIN record and/or Tapeworm released "on time," let alone whether or not the Meathead Perspective gets updated, well, ever. But there are other things he could do to make some news. Like robbing a bank, setting a world discus record, or being caught with Richard Patrick and a prostitute. It doesn't necessarily have to be music-related. I could use anything like that for the Meathead Perspective. But right now I need another Tapeworm picture like I need a Tabasco sauce enema (in case you're wondering, that means that I don't need another Tapeworm picture). Danny Lohner staring blankly at a laptop is not news. Seriously, I'll keep using Pearl Jam references in my titles if this kind of shit keeps up, just you watch.
Sure, some of you jerks may point out that I've made do in the past during these dry seasons, but seriously, does the Internet really need another tactless display of my mediocre Macromedia Flash skills, or instructions on how to make a John Malm doll out of popsicle sticks? No. As much as I'd love to constantly be updating this site, jam-packing it with gallons of warm, gooey NIN-humor, this will be quite difficult until Trent Reznor does something. Anything. Or at least until someone affiliated with Nothing Records does something. Hell, at this point I'd settle for someone who kind of looks like Trent Reznor at a glance from a distance of no less than 30 feet.
If anyone has a suggestion for a particular topic they'd like to see addressed here on the Meathead Perspective, please feel free to send it along this way. Keep in mind that I probably won't use it though, since to be honest most of the ideas people send me are very, very bad, but I'll at least take a look at it. Maybe.
In the meantime, I will find other things to do, including eating steak and cheese sandwiches, playing Super Mario Sunshine, going to work, having recurring nightmares indirectly involving Jay Leno, and breakdancing. If, while engaging in any of the aforementioned activities, I feel inspired to write another edition of the Meathead Perspective, I will do so.
But anyway, I just thought I'd take a moment to inform everyone that I am currently still alive and capable of operating a computer. Thanks to the 4 people who wrote to express concern regarding my absence. I'll try to update with something in the relatively near future, even if it is a steaming pile of dung. At least it's something, right?
Oh, and in the event that Chuck Woolery is reading this: Just try and find me now, bitch.