January 12, 2003
Fun With NIN.COM
You might have noticed that the official Nine Inch Nails website (the other one, not this one) and the Tapeworm website have both been rudely taken away from us and replaced by plain, gray, unclickable versions of themselves. It seems that some people are upset by this, judging from such reactions as "I am upset by this," "This upsets me," and "Why can't anything ever go right in my life, I mean just once, it's not like I ask for that much, I might as well just end it all right now." I know this is a very dark, troubling time for NIN fans. I don't care, but I know. Like you, I was expecting something breathtaking to transpire within the following days/weeks/decades. But since this is not a magic enchanted fantasy world, that didn't happen. Instead, this is reality, where continental shelves move faster than NIN news.
I thought I'd just keep waiting for something even remotely interesting to happen with either of these websites before I wrote another one of these stupid things, but then it occurred to me that they're obviously waiting on me to update my site before they update theirs. If I didn't hurry up and put up some more idiotic bullshit, we would never hear from Nine Inch Nails ever again. Therefore I am now forced to comment on this issue. Thanks a lot.
First of all, it's important to remember that even when the websites do get updated, it will still be a very, very, very long time before you actually get to listen to any new music. Or in the case of Tapeworm, never. Sure, you might occasionally hear Trent Ressman or one of the other NIN guys say something like "the new album will be finished really soon." Don't even pay any attention to that. If "soon" meant the same thing to them as it does to the rest of the civilized world, The Fragile would have been released in 1996, and Tapeworm would exist. To help illustrate this point, I've created this awe-inspiring chart which can be seen below.
As you can clearly see, there is a slight discrepancy between Webster's and Reznor's definitions of "soon." With this in mind, it's unlikely that anything interesting will happen at anything resembling the immediate future. But instead of being a whiny little crybaby about it, you could take your negative feelings and use them for something positive. Or at least something less annoying.
Sure, nin.com and tapeworm.net may seem dull and boring now, but there are actually lots of fun things you can do with it! For instance, why not use it to write some inspiring haikus? Examples:
I go to check nin.com
What a load of crap.
Anyone who says
nin.com will update soon
Is clearly insane.
Trent Reznor hates me
Just look at his damn website
It's so obvious.
Anyway, now I've done my part, and now it's their turn. The following lack of updates are now officially the fault of Trent and the Nothing gang, not me, so please forward all feelings of hatred and resentment to them. Thanks for your cooperation.