July 13, 2003
Nin.com Weekend Wrapup
Since the first mutation of nin.com last weekend, there has still been practically no real new information about Nine Inch Nails. Then again, this should come as no surprise to any of us losers who were hanging around the "NIN-ternet" (I just love that word!) all the way back in 1999. Prior to the release of their album
Now I know that many of you have lots of questions about the latest events at nin.com, and even though I'm completely unqualified to answer them, I'll just bullshit my way through it like I do with everything else.
Q: Hey Meathead. Why is the 8th page completely blank?
A: The blank page represents the deep, dark, cold emptiness that Trent feels all the time. Unlike most of us, Trent is incapable of smiling, laughing, or experiencing even the slightest tinge of joy or contentment. If it weren't for this, all of his songs would be about rainbows and Care Bears and shit like that. So it only seems fitting that he would dedicate an entire page on his personal Internet site to his complete lack of happiness.
Q: Hey Meathead. Why are the page numbers out of order?
A: The numbers 3 and 7 have been switched around because nothing in Trent's life is ever completely in order. Every single thing he tries to do gets all fucked up to hell, making his entire life a pathetic mess and leading to the aformentioned dark emptiness. Also, 12745638 is Trent's lucky lottery number, as well as the security code to get into his studio. Seriously, try it out. It worked for me.
Q: Hey Meathead. What is a lathe of Heaven, and where can I get one?
A: According to the dictionary, a lathe is a machine for shaping a piece of material, such as wood or metal, by rotating it rapidly along its axis while pressing against a fixed cutting or abrading tool. Naturally, this would come in handy in Heaven, for all that wood and scrap metal they have lying around up there. For more information about lathes and the joys of woodworking, check out the Home Depot web site.
Q: Hey Meathead. I think I just saw one or more of the images at nin.com shift a couple pixels to the right. What the hell?
A: A skeptic might call you a moron and tell you to stop refreshing nin.com every 4 seconds hoping to see something change. They'd say you're just looking too damn hard and letting your imagination run amok. But screw that! I highly encourage you to ride the refresh button for hours on end, because otherwise you just might miss something, like the gray smudge becoming 0.5% brighter, or an extra vertical line being added to a picture. None of us can afford to miss out on any of the updates at nin.com, no matter how ludicrously subtle it may be, because they're all equally important. Trent already has enough to be depressed about without you ungrateful fans overlooking all of his secret little messages.
Q: Hey Meathead. When is the new record coming out?
A: What new record?
Q: Hey Meathead. What's a quick, tasty seafood recipe?
A: You'll need one package Sea Pac brand Baja Lime shrimp, a half pound of angel hair or spaghetti, and a quarter pound frozen peas. Simply prepare each ingredient separately and then mix together. Add just a little bit of olive oil to coat the peas while cooking in the microwave, to the shrimp to prevent sticking to the pan, and to the pasta while cooking so it doesn't stick together and to keep it from boiling over too much. Serves two.