September 9, 2003
Please, Thank You, Etc.
Hello, dudes and duditas. You remember that little "fan fiction" thing I updated with last week? If not, scroll down a little bit, look at it (maybe even read it if you like), then come back up here. According to the responses I received regarding said update, it was either the greatest thing since Jesus and/or Nintendo, or a horrible atrocity worse than the Holocaust and 9/11 combined which should never be mentioned again.
Now, here's the thing. We're not talking about The Iliad and The Odyssey here. I didn't exactly pour my soul into Trent's Big Barbecue. In all seriousness, I'd say that piece of crap took me all of 10 minutes to write. While multitasking, even. So there's really no justification for the strong emotions this story has apparently stirred up in the hearts of its readers, whether good or bad.
Obviously, the "quality" of the Meathead Perspective has waned somewhat recently. As much as I would love to be able to bring teh funnay to you every week on a silver platter with a side of cheese fries, let's face it, times are tough. Trent Ressman is obviously more concerned with trivial matters like "finishing the new record" than providing the Meathead Perspective with fresh new material. And I don't know about you, but I think that's pretty fucked up.
This leads me to today's topic that you can bitch about not being funny enough. I want to talk about manners. I've previously touched on the topic of manners before, but this time I want to teach you how to properly complain to Trent about the lack of news. The easiest way to do this is through email. I'm not going to mention his address here, but anyone who's been to the nin.com boards before should already know it. Anyway, when writing a letter of complaint, it's easy to get carried away by your feelings. You must learn to keep these feelings under control. Let's take a look at an example of what not to do:
To: "TRENT REZNOR"
Subject: UPDATE UR F**KIN SITE
HAY TRENT I LUV UR MUSIC,, UR GOD,BUT COUD U PLS UPDATE UR G*DD*** WEB SITE ALREDY??????!! THE LEATH OF HEAVEN SH*T IS TOTALY GAY WHO CAREZ!!!!! THE WHITE STUF IS REALY UGLY TO!!!! N WHERE THE H**L IS THE CHAT BORADZ?????? MOVE UR FAT A** ALREDY!!! HURRY N WRIET BACK PLZ!!!!! I LUV U!!
Honestly, who would want to read an email like that? I sure wouldn't. And I'm sure El Rezzo wouldn't, either (unless maybe he had been drinking). He's a very busy man, working on things like making his guitars louder and adding more bad words to his lyrics. He doesn't have time to read a grammar-raping caps lock fest like the one shown above.
The first thing you need to do is organize your thoughts and break them down into simple, concise points, like these:
1) It's been over two months since the last real "update" on nin.com, which itself was satisfactory at best.
2) The sustained lack of new information that we as fans are continually subjected to is rather depressing, and it would be appreciated if we could receive some sort of word once in a while.
3) That Lathe of Heaven shit was totally gay.
See how easy that was? Now you know exactly what you want to say to Trent before he deletes it and blocks your email address. You're already halfway there, congratulations!
The next step is to apply the appropriate terms of etiquette for addressing someone as important as Trent. You can't just say "hey Trent what's up." You're not writing a note for your roomate Jeff to tell him you're out of toilet paper. You're writing to Trent Reznor, the man who wrote the "fuck you like an animal" song. You have to phrase your message in a way befitting someone of his stature. Try to imagine that you're writing a letter to God himself. Use words like "please" and "thank you" a lot. Make sure you include at least one compliment, instead of just griping the whole time. Everyone likes an asskisser.
The final rule: Always use an eye-catching subject for your email. Trent doubtless receives thousands of emails every minute, so you need to make yours stand out above the crowd. Once you've come up with a totally unique subject for your email, you're done! Fire it away!
Using the tips mentioned above, you should hopefully end up with something like this:
To: "TRENT REZNOR"
From: [your name here]
Subject: Hi Dad, remember me? You'd better, because you're going to be paying for my tuition!
Dear Almighty Trent Reznor,
Lord of All Music That Is, Was, And Ever Will Be:
You are the greatest person who ever lived and recorded albums in a refurbished funeral home in Louisiana. And I mean that. The Fragile completely changed my life, and so did the "We're In This Together" single.
My reason for writing this letter to your holiness is to ask that we, your lowly, unworthy fans, might perhaps receive a new update on your breathtaking web-site, preferably in the form of news regarding your new record. I understand that you are very busy making music that will certainly alter the course of human history -- dare I say, even the course of the entire universe, but if you could please see fit to take just a moment of your invaluable time and grant us but this small request, we would be forever in your debt and promise not to download the new album on the Internet.
Thank you for deigning to read my simple, earthly e-mail, and for simply being you. Also, that Lathe of Heaven shit was totally gay.
Your humble servant,
[your name here]