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September 17, 2003
Trent Thinks He's Hot Shit

As I mentioned in my really clever update on The NIN Hotline, the official Nothing Studios website has just been opened. At long last, we finally have an alternative to all those crappy unofficial Nothing Studios sites. Praise the Lord. Of course, if I had my druthers, there would have been a nin.com update instead, but beggars NIN fans can't be choosers. So I guess I'll talk about this goddamn site instead, for now.

It's blatantly obvious that the sole purpose of nothingstudios.com is to show that Trent Reznor is cooler than you. "Ooh, look at me! I have a stuuuudio! In New Orrrrleans! Come look at my shiny equipment and leather couches!" Yeah, we all know, Trent. You're the man. Big freakin' deal. Oh, but it doesn't stop there. No, sir.

There's an entire fucking page devoted to listing all of his computers and musicky things. Like his (8) AM3ZX Roland TR8000 Quad Gate Whammy Flanger Compressor Gate Farms, (37) 833XVVG Yamaha Sub-Macro Crossover Digitaltronix Global Tube Processors, and the coveted Panasonic GXX-8 Dual-Valve Multi-Quad X208 Ultra II Thing That Beeps When You Kick It. Unfortunately, the list only covers the studio equipment, and does not include the Kawai MSD-46 Multi-Quad Digital Bagel Slicer in the kitchen, or the Harmon-Kardon TPX9200 Transient AssWiper Pro conveniently located in each bathroom. Let's hope that the list will become more comprehensive in the near future.

Not only does Trent have more music equipment than Jesus, but he also offers a staggering list of "amenities" that makes the Four Seasons look like an abandoned truck stop. Besides the aforementioned kitchen, there is also a gym, shower (now guaranteed to be pube-free), laundry facilities, basketball court, arcade, private lounges, satellite TV, and TiVO (god forbid you miss Dharma & Greg). Additional amenities include in-house catering, personal fitness trainer, on-site housing, rose petals tossed at your feet while you walk, vibrating beds, usage of Trent's private bidet, and unlimited access to a wide array of mentally-scarring pornographic films. Also, if you ask really nicely, a complimentary "full-release" massage from Leo Herrera.

After you're done gawking at the list of things you will never experience at a place you will never get to visit, you can check out a list of people who have been there, and, therefore, are also cooler than you. However, upon closer inspection, I noticed that the list seemed a little fishy to me. I made a few calls, kissed a few asses, and received a more detailed client list, a list they didn't want you to see. But since I'm committed to sending out the truth, I must share this information with you. Don't believe the lies.

david bowie (stopped by for coffee once; complained that the studio smelled 'like wet dog')

coil (hung out in living room, watched dharma & greg)

zack de la rocha (actually recorded here, but left angrily upon hearing that trent 'could give two shits about che guevara')

bob ezrin (just came over to pick up his pink floyd cd's)

peter gabriel (asked for directions to the gas station, used the bathroom)

maynard james keenan (same as "tapeworm", just listed twice to pad out the list some more)

cyndi lauper (found passed out in lounge -- if anyone knows how she got in here, please contact kim kennedy @ nothing)

david lynch (visited for lunch, went into bathroom, emerged as unknown person, was escorted out by security)

clint mansell (got high and played Madden NFL 2003 with dave ogilvie in lounge for twelve straight hours)

marilyn manson (tried to sell hash to leo herrera, tried to perform oral sex on daisy may, broke Pac-Man machine, was escorted out by security)

alan moulder (produced nine inch nails' last album, made great broccoli casserole)

n.e.r.d. (picked up trent and took him out to some strip bars)

nine inch nails (did something or other, can't remember)

no doubt (gwen stefani just came over to make gavin rossdale jealous)

dave ogilvie (got high and played Madden NFL 2003 with clint mansell in lounge for twelve straight hours)

pantera (visited for the weekend, got drunk, broke stuff, said things that can never be unsaid)

pink (attempted to 'get party started' with trent, was informed that trent 'wasn't into white chicks,' partied with Leo instead)

prick (kevin mcmahon had 'no place else to go', lived upstairs for five days, was finally kicked out for eating trent's blueberry bagels)

puff daddy (this is actually a total lie, trent couldn't afford the $500,000 per hour fee to be in puffy's presence)

the radiators (used to keep the studio warm in winter, listed here so as to look like a band)

tapeworm (yeah, and elvis is recording here next week)

three doors down (danny brought these guys over one day, and subsequently had his gym privileges suspended for a month)

12 rounds (recorded non-existent second album, studio-sitted while trent went to hawaii)


I tell you, it must be nice to be a big rock star with a fancy musical studio with TiVO. But hey, I have a Playstation 2 and a GameCube, and you don't see me bragging about it. Jerk.


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