September 24, 2003
Tapeworm Shmapeworm

These days it seems like you can't throw a rock without hitting Danny Lohner (Note: The Meathead Perspective does not condone throwing rocks at Danny Lohner. That was a rhetorical statement. Throwing rocks at Trent Reznor, however, is okay.). Since he produced the soundtrack for the blockbuster Bruce Willis movie Underworld, now he's popping up on TV, radio, magazines, newspapers, cereal boxes, and in my laundry room. And naturally, since he's associated with Trent Reznor, everyone has been asking him about the latest goings-on with Nine Inch Nails and the completely fictitious Tapeworm project. But in true Nine Inch Nails fashion, he hadn't said much of anything about either, until now. Fortunately, the nice folks at Kerrang! magazine were able to kidnap Danny and shoot him up with enough sodium pentothal to finally get a few crumbs of information out of him. Thanks, Kerrang!.

Many people have speculated that the material from Tapeworm ended up on the Underworld soundtrack. I don't really know what would make anyone think that, other than the fact that there are 48 different songs on there featuring Danny and Maynard. But some people really like to jump to conclusions. Danny addresses this issue by firmly insisting that Tapeworm is entirely separate from anything else, and that Tapeworm consists of himself, El Rezzo, Maynard, and what's-his-face the guy from 12 Rounds (and let's not forget Josh Freese, who has played drums for every single band that has ever existed -- and in this case, not existed). Of course Tapeworm isn't on the Underworld soundtrack. That's because Tapeworm does not exist. I don't understand why people are still going on about it after I've clearly pointed out that Tapeworm is a big lie. But since you all are obviously too dense to understand this, I guess I'll just play along with this idiotic charade.

Daniel says that the reason Tapeworm has been shelved, again, is because of legal red tape. Maynard is signed to Volcano, Trent is signed to Interscope, Atticus' manager at Dairy Queen won't let him take any more time off, etcetera, etcetera. Since I'm really smart, I've thought of a few possible ways for you, Trent Reznor (if you're not Trent Reznor, just pretend you are if you weren't already), to get around this situation.

The Mafia

Don't be afraid to ask for a little help from our friends in the "construction" business. This may seem a little drastic, but desperate times call for desperate measures. For a reasonable fee, your troubles with the record labels could be nothing but a distant memory. After all, if you were the head of Volcano, which would you prefer: to let Maynard sing on an Interscope record, or to have both of your legs broken and your house burned down? It's a pretty simple decision, really, and I think that if you cared at all about your fans, you'd at least consider it.

Release it as something else

If you'd rather be a sissy and go with a slightly less blatantly illegal strategy, how about this: call it the next A Perfect Circle album, entitled Tapeworm *Wink Wink*. If anyone mentions your vocals being on the album, just say it was all done with computers. If that doesn't work, punch them in the head and run away. The only problem with this plan, of course, is that all the money will go to Virgin records (as if that rich fuck Branson really needs more money). But hey, what's more important, releasing Tapeworm, or having money? That's what I thought.

Just let APC play the rest of it live

As evidenced by the retarded girl screaming "OH MY GOOODDDD!!!" at the beginning of my shitty low-quality mp3 of A Perfect Circle's performance of the alleged Tapeworm song "Vacant," people really enjoy hearing Tapeworm song(s) live. Since it's apparent that these songs will never be "fully realized," why not just say to hell with it and let them play the rest of the Tapeworm stuff live? I mean, they're touring right now. I'm sure they wouldn't mind sticking in some more Tapeworm songs into their setlist. Come on. Call Maynard and tell him to go ahead. Seriously. I know you have his number, probably on speed dial even. Call him. Call Maynard.

Leak it

Just stick the mp3's up on a server somewhere in Nebraska. Give them names like "Tapeworm - Atticus' Buttplug (SUPER RARE UNRELEASED!!).mp3". Then act all pissed off about it, like "Who the hell leaked my Tapeworm record? Grr! I'm so mad!" and then blame it on Rob or something. Again, this won't make you any money, but it's not exactly raking in the phat cash by sitting there collecting dust on a shelf either, now is it? Come on, leak the album. Seriously. I won't tell anyone you did it, and it's not like anyone at Interscope ever reads this shit.

If none of these ideas float your boat, feel free to give me a call and we can discuss further options. I don't technically know anything about legal stuff, but I do know a guy who will kick anyone's ass for you for $500. I'm just trying to help, you know.

Anyway, on a final note, Danny Lohner also mentioned that he is heading to New Orleans to start work on the new NIN record. And here I was thinking it was almost done, oh well. But I'm positive it'll be worth the wait. I know because David Bowie said so.

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