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December 23, 2003
And All That Could Be But Probably Won't

Hello, pals! It's time once again for me to waste your time and mine by feebly attempting to cast the seeds of humor upon the barren wasteland that is the NIN news. I'd probably have more fun writing about the latest advances in postage stamp glue technology (and you'd probably have more fun reading it), but since I'd get beaten within an inch of my life if I ever dared to write about anything other than His Gloominess, Lord Reznor I of New Orleans and his band of merry men, it looks like today will be no different than any other day, since every day is exactly the same.

For some reason, people seem to be under the impression that the new NIN album, BLEEDTHROUGH will be in stores early in 2004. I hate to burst your parade, but that's just plain wrong. Mark my words, BLEEDTHROUGH will not be released until at least September. Why? Because, as has been proven time and time again, history repeats itself. Surely we're all familiar with this article by now:

NINE INCH NAILS
TITLE: bleedthrough (NOTHING)
EXPECT IT: "Soon."

"The record explores loss and possible discovery of self," says Trent Reznor about the follow-up to 1999's The Fragile, "along with alternate layers of reality and perception set inside a nightmare you can't seem to wake up from; with lots of feedback." ...

And when it comes to touring behind the release, T. Rez is planning on reinventing the wheel. "It won't be the last tour over again. That person isn't here anymore."


Sounds great, right? Sure, maybe in Fantasyland. Unfortunately, here in the shithole known as reality, one mustn't take things like this at face value. Doing a little research, I stumbled upon this December 1998 article which, like the aforementioned one, was published in Alternative Press magazine, albeit without all the Good Charlotte horsecrap:

Better Late Than Never
Working Album Title: The Fragile
Projected Release Date: Early 1999. (Nothing/Interscope)

The double album Reznor plans to release picks up thematically from "Hurt," the silver of optimism that closes 1994's The Downward Spiral. According to Reznor, that song was about "a sense of remorse and awakening, and looking back feeling that it's not all to blame on others- growing up a little bit about things."


Maybe I'm the only one, but I don't consider September 21, 1999 to be "early 1999". Obviously, the projected release "date" was just a tiny bit off, and only a gas-huffing moron would find any reason to think this time around would be any different. And to make matters worse, AP uses the word "soon" instead of even attempting to take a stab at a release date, which can only mean horrible, horrible things. "Soon" is a totally relative term, particularly when associated with Lord Reznor, as has already been painfully evidenced by the disastrous Tapeworm project. Any time you hear the word "soon" coming from the general vicinity of Nothing Studios, that's generally a good time to throw away any hopes and dreams you may have had regarding anything new happening in the remote future. Not to sound cynical or anything.

Anyhoo, now that that's out of the way, I thought I'd touch on a question that's recently been on the minds of quite a few NIN fans (besides "why does Trent hate us?"). Since the Rezmeister is planning on taking a totally different approach to touring for BLEEDTHROUGH (just pretend he didn't say exactly the same thing before The Fragile), many of you have been curious as to what this entails. I guess I've been a little curious too. I took the liberty of calling Trent personally and asking him about the new live show, but shortly afterwards I realized I didn't have Trent's phone number, and had actually been talking to the weather forecast for ten minutes. Whoopsie!

Since Trent won't give me his phone number for some reason, I'm forced to simply speculate on what he has in store for the next tour. The good news is that I'm rarely wrong when it comes to predicting the future, especially when it has to do with Nine Inch Nails. So strap on your helmets, buckle your seatbelts, and prepare to read some stuff I typed up!

Here are a few of the basic changes that will be enacted for the BLEEDTHROUGH tour:

20% less cornstarch than Fragility tour
keyboardist will wear pants
no more looking into specific fans' eyes during "Hurt" as if singing directly to them
more enthusiastic drum solos
reduce backstage coke orgies to only twice a week
trent will play guitar for real
rob sheridan no longer allowed to photograph ugly chicks
no marilyn manson this time, honest


Even though this doesn't directly affect you, the viewer, the band's backstage rider will be significantly different this time around as well, largely due to budget cuts.


Following items must be stocked in ARTIST'S Hospitality Room by 3:30 PM.

Ensure that water is moderately clear in color and does not have any fecal matter floating in it. Please provide some paper plates and plastic forks if it's not too much trouble. Otherwise just some napkins will do. Please also provide some sort of sharp object to use for opening cans.

One (1) Gallon water
Ten (10) Cans "Chef Boyardee Beefaroni"
One (1) 2-liter Bottle "Mountain Dew" (preferably cold)
One (1) Case "Old Milwaukee" beer (preferably cold also)
One (1) Bag "Bugles" snacks (plain)
One (1) Roll "Life Savers" (Pep-O-Mint flavor)
Two (2) Boxes of Corn Starch (Trent will not perform if you forget this)

ARTIST'S VAN STOCK (1 total) 7:30 PM

DO NOT BUY ANY VAN STOCK BEFORE ADVANCE WITH PRODUCTION COORDINATOR!!!!! WE WILL ONLY NEED A FEW OF THESE ITEMS. Ensure that a member of the catering staff is made available to assist with stocking the van, if there even is a catering staff. If not, then Trent can do it, no biggie.

Three (3) Containers Silly Putty
One (1) Pair wax lips
One (1) Pair toenail clippers
Two (2) Extra Large boxes Fruity Pebbles cereal
Two (2) Boxes of Corn Starch (don't ask)


You may or may not be aware of this, but some of the dudes who were in the band during the last tour aren't with us anymore. That's right, they're all dead. Wait... no, that's not true. They're just living in Los Angeles, which is kind of the same thing though, I suppose. As far as we ignorant fans know, the only person other than Mack Daddy Rez who is still in Nine Inch Nails is Danny Lohner (since he didn't make it into Metallica). But whoever will fill the other slots in the new lineup? Let's take a look!


NINE INCH NAILS
BLEEDTHROUGH TOUR 2004 2005 WHENEVER
OFFICIAL BAND LINEUP

TRENT REZNOR
Vocals, Guitar


DANNY LOHNER
Bass Guitar, Vocals, Triangle


STEVIE WONDER
Keyboards, Theremin


AKAI XR10 PCM DRUM MACHINE
Drums


HANS "FINGERS" STAFFANSDOTTER
Buzzsaw Accordion


TONI BASIL
Clapping, Jumping Jacks


LEMMY THE EPILEPTIC GOAT
Backing Vocals, Bells, Grazing


This looks to be a very interesting tour, indeed. I imagine that with the allegedly "brutal and/or aggressive" sound of the new album, the live performances will be brutal and/or aggressive as well. And raw. Can't forget raw. Maybe Leo Herrera will throw out handfuls of uncooked hamburger meat into the audience during the show. We can only hope! But let's not get too far ahead of ourselves. We still have quite a bit of waiting with our thumbs up our asses to do. And after all, isn't that what being a Nine Inch Nails fan is all about?

Happy holidays!


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