January 30, 2004
WTF Week, Day 5
Well, we've now reached Friday, which coincidentally is the final day of WTF Week. It's quite a bittersweet moment for me. One one hand, it's been tons of fun, and I'll forever cherish the fond memories I had copying and pasting these guest entries into this HTML file, not to mention hastily drawing idiotic Tront Resnar images with MS Paint. I'm so happy to have been able to share these wondrous five days with you all. My inbox was literally overflowing with emails from people all over the world telling me how WTF Week changed. I didn't receive one single comment that was negative in the least. I will definitely have to do this again as soon as possible, although there's no way any subsequent WTF Weeks could compare to the mind-bending magnitude of this first one. No way at all.
On the other hand, everything in the previous paragraph, minus the first sentence, is a big fat motherfucking lie. I am never, ever doing this again. Fuck WTF Week straight in its stupid fucking ass. I mean, seriously, What The Fuck.
And now, let us soldier on to the final submission of WTF Week! :)
I am only a ly-ric
Across the globe, in places like Chad, Guinea-Bissau, Kyrgyzstan, and the United States of America (and the Republic for which it stands), both pre and post-pubescent goth-tinged experimental neo-industrio-electrorock fans anxiously await the release of NIN's long-awaited Bleedthrough. Most fans suffer the long delays betwixt NIN albums for the exquisite and clearly representative artwork (can't you see the story of "Where is Everybody" unfolding before your eyes as you look at the field of out-of-focus half flower half randomly distributed colors?). Many a fan stands in line for NIN albums simply to get their grimy hands on the stick of Fruit Stripe Bubblegum that Trent Reznor personally licks and encloses in each of his LP's, EP's, and OP's.
However, it is highly undesirable, undebatable, and simply debaucherous to not claim that most fans are not at home and rather in line, not because of these prizes and memoribilia, but simply for the thrill of possibly getting a chance to read the lyrics to Trent Reznor's songs, which are not not usually included (with the exception of a select few non-albums) with most of the CD's that are usually and frequently not not not listened to (Reznor is known as a poor audio producer in several circles, most of them concentric and round).
It would be stating the obvious to say that Reznor's lyrics have, from a 50 year-old divorced English teacher's perspective, progressed over time, in a fairly haphazard way.
GENTLEMEN AND LADY, using state-of-the-art graphing techniques (a Texas Instruments TI-80 calculator) and a verbal rating and system designed under the influence of massive doses of PCP by the above-referenced English Teacher, Earl (Mr. Rossage to you, punkbitch!), I have devised a way in which to accurately (to 2 vowels) determine the pattern of Trent Reznor's lyrical progession.
This progression looks much like a normal cosine wave, except for little nubs at the tops of each successive wave that look oddly like nipples.
The pattern becomes very apparent when Reznor's lyrics are scrutinized with a keen, calculating eye. Observe:
Halo 1: "try to laugh about it now / but isn't it funny how everything works out"
Poor lyric. registered a 2 on the graph.
Halo 5: "slave screams / he spends his life learning conformity"
Excellent lyric- good verbage, very poignant. Deserved the 6 that it got.
Halo 9: "memorabilia / goodies come in here all day"
While the verbage is good, the use of "goodies" probably led to this Halo's 3.
Halo 14: "it seems everything i've heard / just might be true / and you know me /(well you think you do)"
Asspoor. Have no idea why it registered a 5 on the graph (it might like asides).
Seeing this progression, and noting that Halo 18 is next in this scientific chain, one can easily see that it will score a whopping .3!!!!!
Thus, keeping my youthful optimism unbridled (thanks to several non-prescription drugs), I have randomly dropped a cat onto a typewriter in order to replicate what I believe will be close approximations to several of the lyrics to Bleedthrough's songs. A snippet is included below for your reading enjoyment:
Ohhhhh cut myself deeper
They say it's so safety
I am only a liar
Money, it's a drag
Mach 3 my ass
I am hurted
Pour vinegar on my nuts
Can you feel the burn tonight
delighted to be together
We're gonna make it
As you can see, the cat's lyrics bear an uncanny resemblance to those of NIN songs, proving once and for all that Earl Rossage and his magical sparkly eyes light the fire of lyrical light.
Yours in SCNINCE!