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February 4, 2004
Meathead Lite

Hello again, everybody! It's time for WTF Week Part 2!!

Just kidding. Come on, put the gun away.

As you may have noticed, LHE NIN HOLRINE, your 24/7 source for pictures of Trent Renzo flexing his beefy biceps, has been cutting corners lately, thanks to you. If you didn't keep coming here so often, we wouldn't be having this problem. This site was so much cooler before all you nerds started showing up anyway. But I guess there's nothing I can do about that now. Therefore, it's time to turn my brain on and try to figure out some ways to deal with this here internet problem, as well as why there's a crazy homeless guy standing outside my window, staring at me. I'll be right back.

Okay, I'm back. As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted and forced to kill a man with my bare hands, it's time to come up with some creative strategies for alleviating The Great Bandwidth Crisis Of '04.

My terrible, sensory-raping Flash movies are without a doubt the most guilty party in this case. Those things alone suck about 480 terabytes of bandwidth (I haven't really checked the actual numbers) from the HOLRINE's server every week. In the future, in lieu of posting Flash movies, I will just type up a synopsis of the Flash movie instead. Example:

----
HORRIBLY DRAWN TRENT sits at the mixing board at his studio.

HORRIBLY DRAWN MAYNARD walks in.

HORRIBLY DRAWN TRENT says: "Hey Maynard, let's work on Tapeworm!"

HORRIBLY DRAWN MAYNARD says: "But Tapeworm doesn't exist, stupid!"

HORRIBLY DRAWN TRENT laughs.

HORRIBLY DRAWN MAYNARD farts.

Cue credits
----

See, it's pretty much the same thing. Why use a 2 megabyte Flash movie when you can get the same general idea from a few simple lines of text? I don't know why I didn't do that in the first place. I guess it might be because I'm so stupid.

Another aspect of the Meathead Perspective that is sending the HOLRINE straight into the shithouse is the pictures. If you're a regular reader of this web-page, and you obviously are since you keep hitting it 80,000 times a day, you may have noticed that I frequently like to use annoying images to accompany all the annoying text. Their purpose is two-fold: they help to get my annoying ideas across more effectively, and, more importantly, they take up space so it looks like I put more effort into the update than I actually did. Alas, times have changed, and we can no longer afford such luxuries. But don't despair (assuming you were actually despairing)! Back in the olden days, before the advent of modems that weren't made of tin and yarn, they used something called ASCII art. For those of you whose moms weren't knocked up early enough for you to remember ASCII art, it's basically a fancy name for "pictures made from text." Since it's pure text, it loads much faster, and it looks almost as good! Here's an example!

8888O88888888OOOOOOZZZZZ$$ZZZOOOOZ8NNNDD8ZZ$Z$Z$$$ZZZ$$$ZZZZZZZZOOZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
OOOO8OOOOOZZZZZZZZZZZZ$ZZ8DMMNMNNNDDNNMNNNMDZ$$Z$$$$ZZZZZZZZZOZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
OOOZZZZZZZZZZZZ$$$$$$$ZODNNNNNNNNNMDNMMMNNNNMOZ$$$$ZZZZZZZZOOOOZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
$ZZZZZZZZ$ZZ$$$$$$$$ZODNNNNNNMNNMMNNDNMMMMNNNNMDZZZZZZZZOOOZZZ$ZZZZZZZZZ$Z$ZZ$$Z
$Z$$$$$$$$$$$$$Z$Z$Z8DND8N8NMNNMMMNNDNMMMMMMNNMMDZZZZZOOZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ$$$$ZZ
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ZZ8DDDDNONNNNNNNMND8DNNNMMMMMNMNN8OZOOZZZZZZZZ$ZZZZZZZZ$$$$$$$$
Z$Z$$$Z$$Z$$$$$$ZZD8N8MNDNNMNNDNND8O?I$DMMNMNMMNNNDDOZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ$$$$ZZ$$ZZ
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ODDNNNNDNNNNNNDO7I?++++?$NNNNNNMNMNNMZZ$$$$ZZ$ZZZZZZZ$$$$$$ZZZ$Z
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ZZ8NNNNNDNNMNNNDO7I?++=====IDNNNNNMDNNMZ$Z$$$ZZ$Z$ZZ$$$$$$$$$ZZZ$Z
$$$$$$$$$$$$$ZOODNNNNNNMMNNNDO$I+++=~::~~=?ONNNMMMMNN8Z$$$$$$$$$$$$$$Z$$$$ZZ$$$Z
$$$$$$$$$$$$$Z8DNNNMNNMMMN8NOO$?++==~~~~~=+78NNMNMMMNDO$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$Z$$$$ZZZ$Z
ZOZZZZZZZZ$ZZON8NNMNNNNMNNONOO7+====~~~~~=++O8NNMMMMMMDO$$$$$$$$$$$Z$$$$$Z$ZZZ$Z
ZOOOZZZOOZZZZZD8NNNNNMNMND8MOZ?===~~~~~~==++78OMMMMMMMMO$$$7$$$$$$$$Z$$$$$$ZZZOO
OOOOZZOOOZOOZZ8NMMNNNNMMDONNOZ?===++====++??IZ8DNMMMMMMZ$$$$$$$Z$$$$$ZZZ$ZZZOOO8
OOOOOZZZOZZZZO8DNNNNNNMMNZNMO$I???II?+??Z8NND8NNDMMMMMMO$$$$$$$$$$$$$Z$ZZZOOO888
ZZZZZOZZOZZOZZ8DDNNMNNMMNZNDNNDDDD8O+=~+7$ODNDDD8MMMMMMD$$$$$$$$$Z$$$$$ZZZOO8O8D
OOOOOOOZZ$$ZZZ8NNNMMNMMMDOMZ8NOOOZD8+~~?+??II7$DOMMMMMMN$$$$$$$$$$Z$$$$ZZZO888DD
OO8OOOOOOOOOO88MMNMMNMMNOD7?I$$III??+~=+++??+=?$ONNMMMMN$$$$$$$ZZ$$$ZZOZOOD8DD88
ZZZZZZZZZZZZ$ZONMNMMMMMNZD+=????+==+=~=+++=====+$ONMMMNN$$$$$$$$$$Z$OOO88ODD88D8
$$$$ZZZ$$$Z$$$ZDMMNMNMNN8O++??+======~~~??=~~~==IO?MMMM8$$$$$Z$ZZZZO8OO88O8888O8
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ONMMNMD88OO?I=~==++?$+=~~????I???IZMMMMN8$$$$$$$ZZOOOZZ8888OOOO8O
$$$$$$$$$$7$$$$ONMMMNN8O7Z?I?~=+?77$+~=~????ZO7I7OMMMNO$$$$$$$ZO88OOO8888OOOO8OZ
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ONMMNNMMMI?+????7$??I777$7?I?I+OI7DMMMOZ$$$$$ZOOZOOOOO888OO88OOZZ
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ZNMNNNMNMN++?I??7+?+?7O8??+?7O7?IIMMMM8ZZZZOO88ZZZOO88888OO88OOZZ
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$DNNMNMMMMM??I7I??7DM8=+~I::7?+I?7OMNMMDZOZOO8OZZOO88O8OOZOOOZZZ$Z
$7$$7$$$$$$77$$DNDNNMMMMMD?I77I+?++=IZ$Z$?I?+?$7MMMNMD8OOOOOZZOOO8O8OZOOZZZ$Z$$Z
$7$$$7?~::::~~ODDNNNNMMMMMI?I7$I?===7$Z$$$?+??7$NMMNI+=~~=~~~~~~=+IZO8ZZZ$$$$Z$Z
:::::~~~~~:~+7DDMNNNMMMNMNN?I7I$?++???I7I???+$$OMMMMMMMO=::~~~~==~~~=====?7$Z$$$
~:,~ZNNDNNNDNNNMMMNNNMNNMN8M7777I?++++=+=+?+I$IMNMMMNMMMMNMNMMMZ~~=============+
NNDDDDNDNNNNNNMMMMNNNNNNMN8DMN7$77I+=++=++=I$I$MDMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNNMMD:=~+=+==+=+?
DDDNDNDDNNNNNMMMMMNNNNNNMMOO8MNMO$$$$777Z8D7IIMNNNMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMNMI+++++++
DDDDDDDDNNNNMMMMNNNDDDDNMMOOODMMMMNDDDNNN$III8MNNNMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNNNMM~++++=+
NDDDDDDNNNMNNMMMNNN8DDDDNMOOMMNNMMNMNNDO77IIOMNNMMMMNNMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMMN7+++++?
MDDDDDDDNNNNNNNNMMDDDDDDNMOMMMMNNNND8OZ$77IIMNMMMMNMMNMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMMMM++++++
NNDDDDNNNNNMNNNNDDDDDDDDDMDMMMMMNNZI77III?$MNNNMMNNNNMNNNMNMMMMMMMNMNMMMNNNZ=+++
NMNDDNNNNNNNDNNNDDNNDDDDDNMNNMNMMMN$?I77ONMNNNNMNMNMMMMMNNNMMMMMMMMMMNMNNNNN=+++
NMNDDDDNNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDNMDMMMNNDDN++78NNMMNNNMMMMMMMMNMMNMMMMMMMMNMNMNNNDN++++
NNNDDDNNNNNNNDNNNNDDDDDDDNNMMNDNNNNN+??8MMMNMNNMMMNNMNNMMMNMMMMMMMMMNNNNNNNDNN=?
NNMDDDDDNNNNMDNDDDDDDNDDDNNNMMDDNNN8???7NNNNMNNMMMNMMNNMNMNMMMMMMMMNNNNNNNNNMNM+
DNMNNNDDNNNNNMDNNDDDDDDNDNNNMMN8DDN+??7$NNNNMNMMMNNNMMMNNNMMMMMMMNNNNNNNNNNNMNMN
NNMMMMNDNNNMMMNNDDDDDDDDDNNNMMMONO7I??8NMMNNMMMMMNNNMMMMMMMMMMMMMNNNNNDMNNNNNNNN
NNNMMMNDNNNNMMMNNNNNNNNDNNNNMMMM88=?+IDMMMMMMMMNNM8MMMMMMMMMMMMMMNNNNNDMNNNNNNNM
NNMMMMNNNNNNMMMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNMMMDD????7DMMMMMMNMMNDMMMMMMMMMMMNNNNNNDDNMNNNNNNNM
NNMNMMMDNNNNNNMDNNNNNNNNNNNNMNMMMNM=??+?$DMMMMMNNMNNMMMMMMMMMNNNNNNDDNNMNNNNNNNN
MMMMMMNDDNNNNNMNNNNNNNNNNNNNMNNMMMNN+++?IINMMMMNNNMMMMMMMMMMMNNNNNNNNNNMNNNNNNMN
NNMMMMDDNNNNNNMNNNNNNNNNNNNMMNNNMMMM7?7?II7MMNMNMMMMMMMMMMMMNNNNNNNNNNNMNNNNMMNN
MNNMMNNNNNNNNNMMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNMMMMI?7?IINMMNNNMMMMMMMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNMNNNMMMNN
NMMMMDDNNNNMMMMMNNNNNNNNNNNMNNNNNMMMN$?I???OMMNNMMMMNMMMNNMMNNNNNNNNNNNMNMMMNMMN
NNMMNNNDNMNNNNMMNNNNNNNNMDMNNNNNNMMMD?III?I8MMDMNNMMMNMMMMMMNNNNNNNNNNMMMMMNMNMN
NNMMMMNNNNNMNNNMNNNNNNNMDNMNNDNNNMNM$+??I7ZNNNNMNNMNMMMMNMNNNNNDDNNNMMMMMMMMMMMM
NMMMMMNNNNDDDNDNNNNNNNNNDNMNMNNNMDND+??I7ZDNNNNMNNNNMNMNNMNNNNNNNNNNMMMMMMMMMMMM


See, look! That picture from Trent's MTV interview looks just as creepy and wrong in ASCII as it did in jpeg. So there's nothing to be worried about. Plus, it still fills up an assload of space on the page! Praise the Lord.

I've also been giving thought to how the front page (where the news -- or lack thereof -- is generally located) could be further pared down to reduce bandwidth concerns. I was thinking, instead of posting news every time some mediocre NIN-related occurrence takes place, how about just utilizing a more streamlined approach with a smaller, weekly NIN update? I mean, let's face it, when visitors come to the HOLRINE, they only have one thing in mind. I think this would work well:

Nope. Come back later.


That simple update would effectively sum up everything that's been on the HOLRINE news page for the past two years, and in only four small, low-calorie, bandwidth-friendly words. Talk about efficiency!

On top of these fantastic ideas for bandwidth conservation, I have a few more, including, but not limited to, the following:

Block IP addresses of all visitors who no longer believe Trent is God

Abandon plans for Times Square billboard

Ask Trent to quit refreshing the front page over and over -- we all know it's him doing it

Ask fans to stop caring about Nine Inch Nails until July

Stop reporting news about Trent's dad's band, Big Daddy Mike And The Reztones

Quit uploading DVD-rips of Lord of the Rings to the server; find other ways to waste time instead

Delete internet



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