February 9, 2004
What's The Holdup?
Before I vomit up yet another Meathead Perspective, I'd just like to address an important issue. Since the last day of the abomination that was WTF Week, on which I clearly stated in no uncertain terms that it was the last day of WTF Week, I have received a disturbing number of guest article submissions; in other words, more than zero. I know some of you are having difficulty accepting the fact that WTF Week has passed, but it really is over, and it will never be coming back. Let it go.
Now that that's out of the way, let's talk about another depressing subject! Here's a little known fun fact: Nine Inch Nails hasn't released any music or done anything of significance in a while. Yes, it's true. I did some fact-checking earlier today, and scrounged up (most of) Trank Razzle's release dates. LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THEM
Down In It - ?/?/89
Pretty Hate Machine - 11/29/89
Head Like a Hole - 4/24/90
Sin - 11/27/90
Broken - 9/16/92
Fixed - 11/?/92
March of the Pigs - 2/25/94
The Downward Spiral - 3/8/94
Closer to God - 5/30/94
Further Down The Spiral - 5/30/95
The Perfect Drug Versions - 5/13/97
Closure - 11/24/97
The Day the World Went Away - 7/20/99
The Fragile - 9/21/99
We're In This Together - 11/23/99
Things Falling Apart - 11/21/00
And All That Could Have Been - 1/22/02
Upon careful observation of this list of dates, it reveals two (2) painful truths: 1) that I have absolutely nothing that even remotely resembles a life, and 2) that this is currently the longest period of time Trank has gone without releasing anything. Previously, the award for longest interhalo gap went to the one between Further Down The Spiral and The Perfect Drug Versions, which was just shy of two years. At the time of this writing, it has been exactly two years, two weeks, and four motherfucking days since the last NIN release. And counting. Why is this, you ask? Well, you came to the right place! I may not have any actual "facts," but I do have speculation by the truckload, and that's just as good!
Throughout the past several months, Trank Razzle has been spotted numerous times in Los Angeles, California, far away from his purported home in New Orleans, Louisiana. The artist's rendering on your left shows Trank posing with rocker David Bowie and a completely random celebrity that has nothing at all to do with Nine Inch Nails (that we know of). This whole situation may seem pretty strange to those of us who have nothing important to care about, but fear not, I have the "inside scoop" on what's going on. It's an interesting story, really.
According to inside sources, while Trank was across the country cavorting with his famous TV friends, a group of vagrants broke into his studio and urinated on his equipment (the stuff he didn't already sell to buy pot) and ruined it. They also stole all of his ink pens, legal pads, swivel chairs, and Jerome Dillon. When Trank returned to the studio -- just to pick up his OutKast CD, not to actually work, mind you -- he was understandably upset at first, but soon realized that this would give him another great excuse to not make new music. Previous excuses have included Super Bowl XXXVII, hemmorrhoids, "I'm out of Tostitos", The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker, and Boxing Day (Canada).
After selling all his remaining earthly possessions except for a totally bitchin' leather jacket which he would later employ in an unsuccessful attempt to seduce actress Charlize Theron, he paid off all his credit card debts, and returned to Los Angeles with the remaining $25. Unfortunately, it quickly dawned on him that he had no place to stay, and with his $25 already spent on a Big Mac and a haircut at Fernando's Discount Family Hair Hut, he found himself livin' on the street for two months.
One evening, while Trank was panhandling outside a movie theater, he was approached by Just Shoot Me's David Spade, who felt sorry for him and offered to let him crash at his place for a while. Trank and David Spade hit it off and became good friends. During one late night conversation over shrimp lo mein and fried rice, David Spade asked Trank about the new album. Trank explained that he only said there was a new album in order to drive his fans insane, because he hates them with a burning white-hot passion. In reality, there was no new album, Trank said. David Spade was rather vexed about this, as he himself was somewhat interested in hearing the album.
The next morning, David Spade told Trank he no longer wanted to be friends with such a "lazy ass," and kicked him out of the apartment. Trank once again found himself homeless. His only other "friend" in the city was producer Rick Rubin, but he knew if he moved in with him, Rick Rubin would bug him incessantly about making a new album. But Trank decided that pleasing his fans would be marginally less painful than starving to death, so he gave Rick Rubin a call anyway. Sure enough, Rick Rubin let Trank move in on the condition that Trank release a new album by June 2004. Trank reluctantly informed him that he hadn't even started it yet, but Rick Rubin replied with "tough shit".
And that just about brings us up to speed with what's going on with Nine Inch Nails. Trank has been slaving away on BLEEDTHROUGH for over fifteen minutes a day, two days a week. The rest of his time, according to my sources, is spent drinking Rick Rubin's liquor, ordering pizza with Rick Rubin's credit card, playing Rick Rubin's X-Box, showing up uninvited at parties, and parting his hair. He will inevitably be kicked out of Rick Rubin's house on June 1, 2004 due to the album being far from finished, after which he plans to "see what Maynard is doing."
Of course, since this information isn't officially verified, I can't post it on the Hotline news page, since that's reserved for "solid, factual information", such as Nine Inch Nails appearing on cereal boxes. But don't let the fact that I totally made it up discourage you. It still might be 5-10% accurate, and that's better than nothing. I'm sure Trank Razzle is alive and well and working really hard on getting BLEEDTHROUGH finished really really soon. Then there'll be a big nin.com update, and happy fluffy rainbows! In the meantime, here are the lyrics to "Don't Dream It's Over" by Crowded House.
Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup
There's a battle ahead, many battles are lost
But you'll never see the end of the road
While you're travelling with me
Hey now, hey now
Don't dream it's over
Hey now, hey now
When the world comes in
They come, they come
To build a wall between us
We know they won't win
Now I'm towing my car, there's a hole in the roof
My possessions are causing me suspicion but there's no proof
In the paper today tales of war and of waste
But you turn right over to the T.V. page
Now I'm walking again to the beat of a drum
And I'm counting the steps to the door of your heart
Only the shadows ahead barely clearing the roof
Get to know the feeling of liberation and relief