February 18, 2004
eBastards, Volume II

Hey, how's it going. Really? Sorry to hear that. Hope it clears up soon.

A couple years ago I touched upon the "important" issue of stupid NIN-related crap being peddled on eBay. Wow, has it been two years already? Two straight years of pulling retarded bullshit like this out of my ass thanks to there being nothing newsworthy to write about? My god, what's wrong with me? What am I doing with my life? I could be skydiving, or whitewater rafting, or mountain climbing! I could be out there enjoying life! I'm already in my mid-20's and I've yet to actually accomplish anything! No, instead I'm sitting here at a computer, typing inane crap about some has-been industrial rock band...........

Uh... sorry, I don't know what that was all about. I blacked out there for a minute. What was I just talking about? Oh yeah, NIN. NIN RULES!!! TRENT RENZOR IS GOD!!! etc.

Anyway, I like to think that my big expos? on eBay junk made at least some sort of impact on the world. I also like to think I'm Batman sometimes, but we'll talk more about that another day. I noticed that there doesn't seem to be quite as much stupid NIN shit being sold there these days. Of course, that may not be so much my doing as the possibility that the sellers were all horribly mutilated in freakish farm accidents and rendered incapable of using the Internet anymore. But whatever, that's beside the point. The point is, I like spaghetti.

Unfortunately, there are still folks out there who would have you, YES YOU, give them $100 for a smudged, wrinkled picture of the Rezster, hastily ripped out of a 1996 issue of Rolling Stone, under the guise of being "ULTRA RARE" and "autographed" (by some hobo named Vern). Yes, these people continue to live and breathe our precious oxygen, and our only option besides kidnapping and torture, which is illegal in most states, is to be a mean jerk and make fun of them. And I intend to do just that, as soon as I put on my pants.

All right, let's get started!

NIN Scented Candle

This Candle is Mountain Breeze scented. It is approximately 6 inches tall. It is a brand new candle that has never been burned. This is a must have for any Fan of NIN. Would make a great gift or just get it for yourself.

My first reaction from seeing "NIN Scented Candle" was not a pleasant one. I wouldn't want my apartment to smell like Nine Inch Nails. I heard Danny Lohner doesn't shower very often. But then I realized that it's "Mountain Breeze" scented. So unless the next tour is called "Mountain Breeze," the only connection this poor candle has to Nine Inch Nails is the NIN logo which has somehow been applied to it.

And, naturally, it's a must have. If I owned every single NIN item that was labeled as being a "must have", I would need to rent the motherfucking Taj Mahal to store all of it. Generally, the term "must have" can be interpreted as "I blew all the rent money on ecstasy pills".


The clock is brand new in box and in perfect working order. It hangs on the wall, is about 10" in diameter, and uses 1 AA battery to run (not included).
The pic probably doesn't look that great on your computer, but the clock looks much nicer in real life, the image is clear and bright. If you use "Buy It Now" you save yourself the stress of waiting and longing and hoping that someone doesn't snipe you at the last minute and I've made my Buy It Now price $5 lower than it used to be last year!!

Oh, joy of joys! This tragedy of time measurement has been lingering on eBay for a while now. Even more tragic: there are probably people who actually see this thing and say to themselves, "I want that hanging on my wall!" This particular auction had no bids at the time of this writing, so maybe I'm wrong there, but probably not.

Despite what the seller says, I really don't think the image resolution is what makes the clock look stupid. The clock is what makes the clock look stupid. I feel kind of sorry for it, actually. I bet it must get picked on all the time by the other clocks, just because of what one tasteless fan did to it. Life can be so cruel. I really think someone should show the clock some mercy and take it out back and shoot it, Of Mice And Men style. In clock heaven, there are no Trent pictures.

Nine Inch Nails Gothic Grrl Skirt

Green leopard print with irregular placed NIN symbols with black lace at the bottom and silver D-rings.

Customer appreciation letter of the month! "Your sewing skills rock. You really look like you know what you are doing and have profesional looking clothes with finished seams (something some sellers on ebay should learn how to do)".

Okay, I'll be honest. I don't know how to sew. I once tried to sew a patch onto a pair of jeans and ended up in the emergency room with a punctured lung. So if this seller is really as good as the obviously made-up "Customer appreciation letter" says, then congratulations to him/her/it. He/she/it obviously passed Home Economics class.

On the other hand, the sewer didn't stop once the dress was a wearable article of clothing. No, apparently at that point it was deemed necessary to haphazardly affix ugly, upside-down NIN logos in a purely arbitrary fashion in order to make it "gothic" (as if the green leopard print weren't enough).

I'm sure we're all familiar with the pick-up line "nice dress, it would look even nicer in a crumpled pile on my bedroom floor". However, I feel that a more appropriate line for someone wearing this abomination would be "nice dress, it would look even better doused in kerosene and engulfed in flames so as to rid the world of its evil."

Trent Reznor Compact Mirror

Up for auction is a cool Trent Reznor compact Mirror. !~This measures 3.5x4.5 inches and is brand new the pic shows the mirror closed and open, auction is for ONE mirror only. Upon opening the compact there are two mirrors, one magnified and the other regular!

Wait, so let me get this straight. This auction is actually for only oneTrent Reznor compact mirror, despite the misleading photo? Well that's a relief. The thought that there could possibly be two of these horrible things in existence would have given me nightmares for weeks.

To make matters worse, this seller has the gall to set the "Buy It Now" price at $12.50. That's right, twelve dollars and fifty cents. For this. I'm going to let you in on a little secret. You can buy a compact mirror at the dollar store, for a dollar. You can clip that stupid Trent Reznor cocoon picture from Rolling Stone or print it from your computer. Now, here's where it gets interesting. You can glue the picture onto the compact mirror. Are you following me? You shouldn't be, because I'm done. That's it. Just glue the fucking picture to the compact. If you're dumb enough to spend $12.50 for this idiotic piece of shit, send me some money too. I'll send you back some pizza crusts.

Trent Reznor Patchwork Bag

Here I am offering this sweet patchwork bag with Trent Reznor ~ Be sure to take a look at my other auctions for a matching coin bag or checkbook cover ~

Here I am... ROCK you like a hurricane... SELL-ing you this stupid bag... THIR-ty bucks seems fair to me... Good god, there's that picture again. Apparently there's just something about that particular photo that screams out "Stick me onto stupid shit! Please! I have no dignity!" Why can't Trent just be more like Maynard used to be and never get his picture taken, so we can all be spared this garbage?

The "Buy It Now" price has been set at $26.50 which, unless I'm somehow mistaken and it means they'll pay me $26.50 to take it off their hands, is grossly inappropriate for something even Goodwill wouldn't accept in good conscience. Although I will say that this bag would certainly be appropriate for carrying all the other NIN crap to the landfill. That is, if I could make it the whole way there without vomiting until I pass out.

Well, I hope you've all enjoyed this fun-crammed journey through the dark, lice-infested alleys of eBay. I know I sure haven't! See you all next time, when I will either have an in-depth review of the new NIN single, or just more pointless tripe like this! Bye!

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