May 10, 2004
Talking To Your Kids About Tapeworm

As you may have gathered from Trent Rezzington's eloquent message at, Tapeworm has passed away. This is obviously a difficult time for all of us. I remember back when I was a kid, I used to get so excited whenever I'd hear the latest news about Tapeworm. I would have been devastated to hear that Tapeworm had been taken away from us, whether it had succumbed to brain cancer, or had gotten hit by a UPS truck, or had simply died from neglect.

Well, now it has happened. Tapeworm has left us, and it's time to talk to our kids about it. Pull the little bastards away from Grand Theft Auto: Vice City and bring them over here so Uncle Meathead can have a little chat with them.

Okay, are they here yet? Are they sitting down and being quiet? No? I'll wait.

How about now? Okay. Good. Now I'm going to talk to them.

Hey kids! It's your Uncle Meathead here. You know, the "cool" uncle who buys you beer and chewing tobacco. I want to have a little talk with you about something that your parents are too scared to talk to you about, okay? It's about Tapeworm.

Now, Tapeworm has been around for a long time, even before you were born! Tapeworm has had a long, exciting life. But there comes a time in everyone's life when they have to go away. That's what "dead" means. You may have seen dead things before, such as a dead goldfish, or a dead flower, or Marilyn Manson's career. But it's okay, because death is just part of how nature works. It's just like they went to sleep, except this time they won't ever wake up. But they're not in any pain anymore, and that's all that matters.

Tapeworm was very sick, and there was nothing anybody could do to help it anymore. Your Uncle Trent (the one who never comes to your birthday parties) and Uncle Maynard (the one whose birthday presents we always have to return) tried to make it better, but sometimes musical projects just aren't meant to get better. Finally, Uncle Trent had to take Tapeworm outside and shoot it in the back of the head. Oh don't worry, it didn't hurt. But boy was it messy!

Your Uncle Trent and Uncle Maynard love you very much, and they want you to know that Tapeworm is in Side Project Heaven right now. Just imagine how happy Tapeworm must be right now, playing with all of Uncle Trent's other failed musical endeavors! They're all playing hopscotch right now. And remember, just because Tapeworm isn't here with us anymore, that doesn't mean that there won't be lots of other stuff coming out, like a new Tool record and BLEED THROUGH (maybe).

Do you understand now? I hope I was able to help you feel better about all this. It's okay to cry, if you want to. But just remember, Tapeworm is in a better place. Now, give the computer back to Mommy and Daddy, okay? See you later!

Okay, are the rugrats gone yet? Christ almighty, would it kill you to teach them some basic fucking hygiene? I can smell them all the way from here.

Home | Top of Page | Glossary | Contact | The RSS That Feeds