May 14, 2004
Nin.com Makes Me Want To Smoke Crack
Believe it or not, it's been over a week now since our world got turned upside down, and Trent Rezcvjlnfveutreg decided to allow his Internet site to be updated. Let's take a look back at all the new information we've obtained since the fantastic, new, sparkly, moist, slightly acrid-smelling NIN.COM was given to us. Among the startling revelations:
• Trent likes to make fun of Japanese people.
• Trent stayed awake during algebra class (and probably got beat up for it).
• Trent's ideas for songs come from his head, which, coincidentally, is where Trent lives.
• Trent thinks Marilyn Manson is stupid.
• Trent thinks the "Deep" video is stupid.
• Trent thinks the President is stupid.
• Trent thinks the Meathead Perspective is a legitimate NIN site.
• Due to an extremely rare medical condition, some of the things Trent says get blacked out with a magic marker.
• Trent is in a perpetual state of being ready to "get out there and shake things up", despite never actually doing so.
• Trent likes the Polyphonic Spree, which is music for stupid dirty hippies.
• Tapeworm might actually never come out. Whoops!
• Trent occasionally goes into a recording studio and poses for pictures.
• Trent used to drink a lot of tequila, and now says he doesn't.
• Mike Reznor is a fifth-degree black belt in the art of karate.
• Someone other than you has been listening to new NIN songs, and there's not a goddamned thing you can do about it.
• Atticus Ross hates hanging out with Trent, and tries to spend as much time away from him as possible.
• Trent has veiny hands.
• It rained in New Orleans recently.
• Trent is interested in the life and career of Lou Reed.
• Trent has a butt-ugly cat.
• Jerome Dillon is still alive.
• There are some individuals who are of the persuasion that Trent prefers the company of men.
• Leo Herrera does not engage in sexual relations as much as he would like.
• There's no way in hell we're going to hear any new music from these motherfuckers anytime soon.
Now, of course I'm not complaining. I mean, we should be glad at least something is going on, right? Despite the fact that we know practically nothing about the new NIN material that we didn't know back in 2002, nin.com is still totally awesome. Anyway, let's take a quick look at the stuff we haven't been blessed enough to learn from the new site, but I'm sure we will real soon now:
• Why it takes five years to make 12 songs
• Why Trent is spending obscene amounts of time making his record sound imperfect
• What kind of sandwich... fuck it, it's probably tuna salad
• What exactly Trent has been smoking for the past week, and where we can get some
• Why Trent lies all the time
• Who Trent thinks he's kidding by including a "performance" section
• Who Trent thinks he's kidding by insinuating that there will be a new NIN release in 2004
• What medal Meathead would take home if cynicism ever became an Olympic sport