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May 20, 2004
Dirty Rotten Scoundrels

OMG! WTF! It looks like John Albert Malm, Jr., who apparently had befriended Trent Reznor and managed his career under the pretense of not totally reaming him in the ass and taking millions of his dollars, has totally reamed Trent in the ass and taken millions of his dollars. What a swell guy! Of course, a generous helping of delicious irony will inevitably be served to Mr. Malm by a group of sexually frustrated prison inmates who just happen to be NIN fans.

I've mentioned that I have really good connections, right? I'm pretty sure I have. Anyway, thanks to these really good connections, I've managed to intercept many of Trent's emails over the years. Sure, that may be considered "a blatantly illegal invasion of privacy" in some circles, but to me it's just something fun to read while I'm on the toilet. Well, it turns out that there's actually been quite a few hints here and there that Mr. Malm has been up to no good. I didn't really pick up on it at the time, and neither did Trent obviously, but looking back on them now, the signs are pretty hard to miss. Let's take a look-see:

From: "Trent Reznor" [xxxxx@xxxxxxxxx]
To: "John Malm" [xxxxx@xxxxxxxxx]
Subject: Something strange...
Date: Wed, 27 Mar 1996 13:44:39 -0500

Hey John,

I was just checking the books and it looks like there are some discrepancies. I think someone in accounting might be trying to rip us off. Get back to me whenever you get this.

TR




From: "John Malm" [xxxxx@xxxxxxxxx]
To: "Trent Reznor" [xxxxx@xxxxxxxxx]
Subject: Re: Something strange...
Date: Sat, 13 Apr 1996 02:26:12 -0500

Sorry I didn't get back to you for so long, I was in the Bahamas for a couple weeks. I bet it's that new guy, Carl. I had a feeling about him, I don't even know why I hired him. I'll have a talk with him first thing Monday. By the way, could you stop by my office sometime next week? I need you to sign a few things.

-John




From: "Trent Reznor" [xxxxx@xxxxxxxxx]
To: "John Malm" [xxxxx@xxxxxxxxx]
Subject: $5000 bathrobe??
Date: Mon, 7 Oct 1996 10:58:03 -0500

I was just looking over the company's monthy expenditures... what's this about a $5000 bathrobe?

TR




From: "John Malm" [xxxxx@xxxxxxxxx]
To: "Trent Reznor" [xxxxx@xxxxxxxxx]
Subject: Re: $5000 bathrobe??
Date: Wed, 9 Oct 1996 04:30:14 -0500

I have a very severe allergy to all fabrics except for a rare type of wool from a breed of sheep that lives deep in the mountains of Peru. That red robe you got me for my birthday was made of cotton and I almost died. Don't worry, I'll pay it back later! By the way, could you stop by my office later this week? I need you to sign a couple things.

-John




From: "Trent Reznor" [xxxxx@xxxxxxxxx]
To: "John Malm" [xxxxx@xxxxxxxxx]
Subject: Re: $5000 bathrobe??
Date: Wed, 9 Oct 1996 09:51:22 -0500

Oh, ok. Since you're my close trusted friend, I believe you. Hey, do you still have the red bathrobe? My dog destroyed mine and I could use a new one.

TR




From: "Trent Reznor" [xxxxx@xxxxxxxxx]
To: "John Malm" [xxxxx@xxxxxxxxx]
Subject: An idea...
Date: Tue, 30 Dec 1997 15:45:00 -0500

Hey John,

I was just thinking, maybe you could start letting me cash my own checks, instead of you cashing them for me and then giving me the money and insisting that that's all there was.

TR




From: "John Malm" [xxxxx@xxxxxxxxx]
To: "Trent Reznor" [xxxxx@xxxxxxxxx]
Subject: Re: An idea...
Date: Thu, 1 Jan 1998 01:18:48 -0500

WHAT, YUO DONT' TRUST ME NOW??? IM JUST LOOKNIG OUT FOR YUO , BUDDY!! WERE TIGHT MAN! I WOUND NEVER FUCKIN RUP U OFF MAN!! UI PAID FOR THESE HOOEKERS MYSELF! DAMN IGM DRUNK




From: "John Malm" [xxxxx@xxxxxxxxx]
To: "Trent Reznor" [xxxxx@xxxxxxxxx]
Subject: Re: An idea...
Date: Thu, 1 Jan 1998 16:31:04 -0500

Sorry Trent, I was pretty drunk last night. But I really think it's better if I cash your checks for you, you know, for tax purposes. Besides, what are you worried about? $80 a month is a hell of a royalty. You know Eddie Vedder only gets $40? You should just be glad I'm such a kickass manager!

-John




From: "Trent Reznor" [xxxxx@xxxxxxxxx]
To: "John Malm" [xxxxx@xxxxxxxxx]
Subject: My car
Date: Wed, 13 May 1998 12:16:57 -0500

John,

For some reason my car was almost on empty last night, and there were empty beer cans and a used condom on the floor. Also, "MALM IS THE PUSSY KING" was spraypainted on the side. Do you know anything about that?

TR




From: "John Malm" [xxxxx@xxxxxxxxx]
To: "Trent Reznor" [xxxxx@xxxxxxxxx]
Subject: Re: My car
Date: Thu, 14 May 1998 02:11:48 -0500

HAY I WASNT IN UR GAR LAST NITE U MUSTT HAVE A GAS LEAK U FAG!!!!1 HAY COME BY MY OFFIACE TOMOWRW I NEED U TO SIGNG ANOTHER SHITTEY CONTARCT




From: "John Malm" [xxxxx@xxxxxxxxx]
To: "Trent Reznor" [xxxxx@xxxxxxxxx]
Subject: Re: My car
Date: Thu, 14 May 1998 13:08:45 -0500

Hi Trent,

Sorry, I was pretty drunk last night. I honestly don't know about your car. Maybe Richard Patrick stole it. He always seemed pretty crooked and dishonest to me. Oh, but seriously stop by my office when you get a chance.

-John




From: "Trent Reznor" [xxxxx@xxxxxxxxx]
To: "John Malm" [xxxxx@xxxxxxxxx]
Subject: Hey John...
Date: Fri, 2 Apr 1999 19:33:09 -0500

Hi John,

I was going to go see that new movie The Matrix tonight, but when I went to the ATM it said I had insufficient funds in my bank account. What's up with that?

TR




From: "John Malm" [xxxxx@xxxxxxxxx]
To: "Trent Reznor" [xxxxx@xxxxxxxxx]
Subject: Re: Hey John...
Date: Sat, 3 Apr 1999 13:26:40 -0500

You're obviously spending too much money! How many times do I need to tell you that the store brand stuff is just as good as the name brands? And didn't you just go to the movies last weekend? You need to quit throwing your money around like that, especially since you still have to pay to get your car fixed. Anyway, gotta go, time for my oil massage.

-John




From: "Trent Reznor" [xxxxx@xxxxxxxxx]
To: "John Malm" [xxxxx@xxxxxxxxx]
Subject: $$$
Date: Mon, 11 Oct 1999 11:01:34 -0500

Hey John,

You said The Fragile went gold, right? Shouldn't I be getting some money at some point? I miss having cable TV.

TR




From: "John Malm" [xxxxx@xxxxxxxxx]
To: "Trent Reznor" [xxxxx@xxxxxxxxx]
Subject: Re: $$$
Date: Wed, 13 Oct 1999 03:15:58 -0500

Last time I was there I was able to pick up 5 channels by extending the rabbit ears all the way out at a 45 degree angle. Why do you need more than 5 channels, Mr. Picky?
Anyway, about the money... I told you from the beginning that record labels are greedy fuckers. Let me break it down for you:

$10,000 - Advance from Interscope (really, that's all there was)
-$5,000 - Publishing costs
-$3,000 - Manager's fee
-$1,000 - Cost of living
-$500 - Truck rental
-$450 - Electricity
-$25 - Lunch
-$20 - Shoes
-$5 - Artist's cut

Sorry, I had to spend your $5 on chicken. Hey, it's a tough business. At least you're famous! By the way, could you stop by my office sometime this week?

-John



It's pretty sad, really, that someone who was considered such a good friend could actually be a total assbag. It seems like everybody Trent makes friends with ends up stabbing him repeatedly in the back with a rusty butter knife. I hate to say it, but this won't be the last time it happens either. According to a prophetic vision I had this morning while eating my shredded wheat, the following tragic betrayals will also take place:

July 26, 2004: Atticus Ross will go to Wendy's to get lunch for everyone. On the drive back, he will eat all of Trent's fries.

March 19, 2005: While visiting for the weekend, David Bowie will clog up Trent's toilet and not tell anyone about it, leaving Trent to make the horrible discovery for himself.

August 6, 2006: Alec Empire will place a dead fish into the base of one of the swivel chairs in Trent's studio. No one will be able to figure out the source of the awful smell for three days.

December 11, 2006: Maynard James Keenan will invite Trent to appear in the latest A Perfect Circle video, but will give Trent the wrong directions, causing him to arrive at a bizarre gay clown orgy instead. Strangely enough, the actual APC video turns out to not be much different.


The good news is, thanks to everyone treating Trent like shit, we'll get some really good, angry music out of it. You know, I bet that was John Malm's intent all along. We should all thank him for selflessly lying and scamming Trent out of millions in order to give Trent the inspiration he needed to put out another totally rockin' new album. John Malm, we salute you! Oh, and have fun in jail.


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