June 14, 2004
The Way It Is

I'm not sure if I mentioned this yet or not, but either way I believe it bears repeating: the Top 10 Sandwiches list consists of my top ten favorite sandwiches. It's just my opinion, which is only slightly more important than yours. So deal with it, hippies. Right now I think it might be a good idea to explain the criteria I used to create the Top 10 Sandwiches list. I guess I should have explained this earlier, and for that I apologize. Anyway, please pay close attention. In order for a sandwich to qualify for my almighty Top 10 list:

• It must be a sandwich I've had before.
Despite my best efforts to try every single conceivable type of sandwich in this universe as well as any and all alternate universes, there are still a few here and there that I have yet to experience firsthand. Therefore, there's a somewhat reasonable chance that there may be a sandwich you absolutely love that I've never even heard of before. If this is the case, by all means let me know (as many of you have already). But I must warn you that it's going to have to be a pretty fucking amazing sandwich to make me revise my Top 10 list. And you can bet your ass it won't top the Philly cheesesteak.

• It must be a sandwich of a taste and texture that I find appealing.
I'll be expecting a letter from John Ashcroft branding me as an enemy combatant for saying this, but I'm not exceptionally fond of pig anus sandwiches (or as they're more commonly known, "hot dogs"), despite its alleged status as "the definitive all-American food product?". I personally prefer the contents of my sandwiches to be consistent and of determinable origin, and to not only taste good when smothered in chili or some other type of topping. Trust me, I didn't forget hot dogs, I didn't forget PB&J. I just didn't include them because I don't like them enough to do so. Also, rye bread sucks. Yeah, I said it.

• It must be simple and/or something I can obtain easily.
This was actually probably the most deciding factor in what went into my sandwich list. Some people have complained that my sandwich list is too politically incorrect, and needs more ethnic variety. There are lots of crazy, wacky, exotic sandwiches out there that taste really good, but I rarely get to have them. For instance, I like falafel, but I can count the number of them I've eaten on one hand, with fingers missing, due to the fact that there are no places nearby that serve them. So while it's a sandwich I enjoy quite a bit, I must take into account the unfortunate fact that I almost never get to have it. Likewise, there are virtually infinite ways you can arrange different kinds of meat, cheese, vegetables, condiments and bread, and I could have composed a highfalutin' list of fancy sandwiches such as "shaved honey glazed ham with virgin feta cheese, a chilled Romaine lettuce leaf, baby black olives and crumbled bacon strips, lightly drizzled with Grey Poupon™ dijon mustard and served on a stone-ground wheat roll with a crisp pickle wedge and a glass of Rioja Gran Reserva 1968," but I'm a simple guy with simple tastes, and therefore I like to keep things simple. Just give me some meat and bread.

Anyway, I hope I've now put the issue to rest. While I appreciate all of your enthusiasm for the fascinating world of sandwiches, I think it's time to move on, as I had no intention of lingering on this subject for this long in the first place. There are other very important things to cover, and at this rate I'll never get to them all. The subject of sandwiches is hereby officially closed, and tomorrow (approximately) we shall move on to a new, equally thrilling topic.


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