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July 14, 2004
This Is The (Sorta) New Shit

Boy, the nin.com sure dropped a big load on us yesterday, with great news! Anyone who was dreading the idea of hearing any new NIN music this year can now breathe a sigh of relief, because Trent "Dave Grohl" Ronzer has officially announced that the new album, Behold The Rug, won't be out until "early" 2005. Ever the bastion of decisiveness, El Rezzo has concluded that the best thing to do would be to ditch that amateur hack Rick Rubin (again) and redo everything (again) with Alan Moulder (again), effectively delaying the mixing until October (May) and the release date until next year (2009). I'm so happy I could shit! Fortunately, at least Dave Grohl has been there for us on the webcam, distracting us in essentially the same manner as one dangles keys in front of a baby to get it to stop crying.

But wait, don't commit seppuku just yet! The website also says there actually are some NIN releases planned for this year (key word: planned). Check it:

meanwhile, we're releasing two other items this fall. the long-awaited closure dvd will finally see the light of day ? with extra content, and the downward spiral deluxe edition a two disc package remastered, remixed in 5.1 and more. we just finished remixing tds in surround and it really lends itself to the format you will soon have a new disc to demo your system with! also, i'm gay.

Golly! Two new(ish) releases this year! I'm currently taking horse tranquilizers just to counteract the massive excitement this news has given me. Sure, I may have watched Closure until my VCR ran away in the middle of the night without even leaving a note, and I may have listened to The Downward Spiral so many times that whenever I hear it now I involuntarily scream "BORRR-ING!", but it's all about the extra content, man. The bonus crap on these things will undoubtedly change the world forever. I can't feel my legs anymore. Anyway, let's talk a little about what this new content may be. Or, rather, how about I type a little about it and you just shut the hell up and read it. Yeah, I like that idea better.

STUFF I WANT TO SEE ON THE GODDAMN CLOSURE DVD

Commentary
Closure has its more interesting moments, such as the destruction of the exit sign, the destruction of Robin Finck's hand, and the destruction of Frank Zappa's "Broken Hearts Are For Assholes". But what about the less riveting stuff, like Trent sitting around eating chips, and Marilyn Manson's terribly shocking revelation that he uses drugs? It's times like these where a great tour story would help pick things up a little. But instead of Trent (or anyone remotely involved with NIN for that matter) doing the talking, the voice of Christopher Walken would make it infinitely more exciting. Admit it, it's a good idea.

Alternate Endings
It's always cool to see alternate endings of movies when they come out on DVD, except for The Butterfly Effect because that movie is a piece of shit. But why does the alternate ending option have to be limited strictly to movies? I've always found the ending of Closure to be boring and predictable. Ooh, the tour ends. I didn't see that coming a mile away! What if, a giant robot controlled by B.B. King crashes into the building on the next-to-last night of the tour and eats the band while the audience looks on in horror? Or what if it's revealed that the band is actually the audience and the audience is really a huge band, or some stupid clich? Shyamalan crap like that? I think that would increase the DVD's replay value by at least 3 or 4 percent.

Unreleased Videos
When Closure was first released way back in 1997, we finally got to see the long-rumored "Sin" video. But even that was cut down considerably. Now, thanks to the advanced capabilities of the DVD format, there's no excuse to not include all that stuff they left out of the original VHS version (except for artistic reasons, but when has that ever been an issue?). I think it's about time to see "Sin" in all its annoying glory, as well as the original "March of the Pigs" video and the scrapped "Get Down Make Love" video featuring Estelle Getty (I know it exists). And we deserve to see the video for "The Day The World Went Away" with all the crappy stuff put back in, the way it was meant to be.


STUFF I WANT TO SEE ON THE GODDAMN TDS DELUXE EDITION CD

More 'Fuck's
One of the most common complaints about 1994's The Downward Spiral has been that there isn't enough swearing on it. I can't be bothered to actually count them myself, but off the top of my head I'd estimate that the word "fuck" isn't used any more than 50 times on the entire album. There are so many wasted opportunities on there to use the word, and it would be a shame to not take advantage of them with this re-release. Shit, "A Warm Place" is like three minutes long with no lyrics! You mean to say they couldn't fit one "fuck" in there? Ridiculous. This must be fixed immediately. And, naturally, I would expect Trent to adhere to the rules of PFP (see glossary) if he actually expects me to buy this shit.

Option 30
You cannot possibly comprehend the frustration I felt when I learned they were re-releasing The Downward Spiral without first getting to what is obviously Trent's greatest artistic achievement: the Option 30 record. Sure, TDS isn't that bad, and sure, he put a good bit of work into it. But it pales in comparison to the raw intensity of "Time and Chance", and the scorching cover of "Der Kommissar". I remember the first time I heard "Equal Rights", I was going through a really tough time in my life and that song just reached out and touched me in a way that nothing on TDS could ever do. Unfortunately, the 20-year-old record sounds slightly dated now, and could really use a good remastering. Could you imagine hearing those steel drums in 5.1 surround sound? Anyway, I guess I'm just crossing my fingers and hoping that maybe Option 30 will be packaged along with TDS. They would compliment each other quite well.

The New Album
If, for some insanely fucked up reason, Trent decides against including Option 30 with this release, then I guess I'd settle for the new NIN record instead. I know, we're all planning on waiting until next year for it, but I think it might actually be pretty cool to have it now instead. See, that way we'd be able to listen to it right now, instead of waiting another 6+ months/years. It might not be quite as cool as having a remastered Option 30 record, but still, it would make a pretty cool accompaniment nonetheless.

Beer
The Downward Spiral Deluxe Edition should come with beer. I think that would be cool.


So when will these hot new releases actually be, you know, "released", as they say? Will they just end up getting perpetually delayed like every single other thing NIN does? Is there any hope for at least a new single this year? What will -- oh look, there's Dave Grohl! Yay!


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