September 14, 2004
Let's Get Creative
Salut, mes amis! That's Spanish for "stop shitting in my coffee", so don't say you've never learned anything here at the good ol' Meathead Perspective webpage. Anyway, I was going through one of my e-mail inboxes recently (I have 47 of them), and I found something from several weeks ago that I'd forgotten about because I'm too self-absorbed to care about anything other than me. Sorry. A possibly loyal reader named "Allison" (quotation marks added for privacy) and her friend "Allison's friend" were apparently bored and/or abusing nutmeg one day when they decided it would be a terrific idea to make a piñata-like effigy of our Lord and Saviour Trent McRezzo. Normally, when someone comes up with a brilliant concept such as this, it tragically never moves beyond the concept phase. But "Allison" and "Allison's friend", being the apotheoses of motivation, have done the improbable and dragged this dream into reality! Glory be!
This breathtaking work of art, which looks absolutely nothing like the corpse of Jon Lovitz, is proof that NIN fans are the most creative, inspired, mentally sound people in the world. Honestly, who wouldn't want their own completely non-creepy lifesize Trent-like replica lounging around on their furniture? And what a great way to impress guests, assuming your "guests" are not also made of papier-mâché.
I know what you're thinking. You want to know how to make one of these for yourself. The envy that you feel toward "Allison" and "Allison's friend" must be gnawing away at you like the teeth of a thousand beavers. That's totally understandable. Well, your best friend Meathead is here to help. If it makes you feel any better, you can pretend it's because I care about you.
I'm going to teach you how to make your own lifesize Trent doll!!!!!! It probably won't be as realistic as the one created by "Allison" and "Allison's friend", as attempting to meet those incredibly lofty standards would be an exercise in futility. But if the end result is even half as spectacular as their Treñata (I just made up that word and will never use it again), it will still be a resounding success.
Since I know next to nothing about working with papier-mâché, I'm going to use an alternative method for this project. I like to call this method "making shit up as I go along." Here's what you'll possibly need:
• a bunch of old newspapers (or new ones, I don't care)
• several spools of thread in various colors
• five gallons of pork fat
• black magic marker
• aluminum foil
• VHS tape with episodes of "Taxi" on it
• one half-gallon of Jim Beam whiskey
• the shroud of Turin (if unavailable, an old sheet will do)
• 27 pipe cleaners
• 1958 Chevy Impala
• two pints virgin blood
• one copy of NIN's The Fragile (try looking in bargain bin at your local music store)
Now that you've gathered the items that you may or may not actually need, it's time to start making this thing that may or may not be an abomination in the eyes of God!
The first thing you need to do is grab those newspapers and ball them up, as shown in this terrible, terrible illustration. I find that when balling up newspapers, it helps to pretend the newspapers are someone or something you don't like, such as the fact that Enda "Deep" McCallion is directing the Doom movie. Take out that aggression! Grr! Goddamned motherfucking asslicking piece of horse shit! Who in their right fucking mind thinks Enda is capable of directing anything bigger than a fucking tampon commercial?! Christ!! There you go, you're doing great.
Now that you've established your dominance over the weak, pathetic newspapers, it's time for the next step which is marginally more exciting! Take the newspapers and begin forming them into the general shape of Trent Reznor. If you forget what Trent Reznor looks like, try looking in an issue of SPIN or Rolling Stone from 1994, and he should be in there somewhere. Don't forget, it's head, then neck, then shoulders (I always get that mixed up too so don't feel bad).
If you've made it this far without giving up in yourself and hurling yourself off the nearest tall building, congratulations! You should be proud! But don't inflate your ego too much, because we're not done yet. It is now time to give Mr. Fakereznor some hair, using the black magic marker. Locate the area where his hair should be (the general top-of-head area), and begin applying the marker. Note: it helps if you take the cap off first. Golly, isn't this fun? Continue coloring until you have covered the top portion of the head, or until the ink runs out, or until you attain enlightenment and realize how fucking stupid all of this is.
You know what they say, no lifesize homemade replica of a rock musician would be complete without a mouth! Using the glue, or whatever sticky substance you may have handy at the moment, apply a pipe cleaner to Trent's "face". Make sure you give him a big smile, so it looks authentic. Remember, people only have one mouth, so only use one pipe cleaner. I know I said you would need 27 pipe cleaners, but I lied. Throw the other 26 away. And stop crying.
It's Eye Time™! How do you expect your new friend to be able to see you without eyes
Hooray (I guess)! We're almost done! We've completely formed a totally realistic body out of newspapers, but you don't want your pseudo-Trent hanging around your house in the nude, do you? Wait, actually you probably would, you sick fuck. Well, too bad. You're going to put clothes on it whether you like it or not. Grab some sort of clothing-like material and place it over Trent's pale, dry, papery skin. Make sure you don't use any clothes that anybody would ever have any interest in wearing ever again, because they may possibly be cursed after this. You know, just to be on the safe side.
Now we're pretty much done. Most people should automatically say "Hey, that's Trent Reznor" upon seeing your new creation, but it's possible that some TOTAL MORONS out there might not immediately recognize it. In order to cater to these losers, you might want to add some accessories, such as a copy of The Fragile, an iron-on Nine Inch Nails patch, or a sign that says "I AM THE GUY FROM NI(BACKWARDS N) WHO WROTE THE SONG ABOUT FUCKING ANIMALS AS WELL AS OTHER CHART TOPPING SMASH RADIO HITS, APPARENTLY". And voila! Trent Reznor now lives in your house!
At this point, I'd like to take a moment to go over a few rules of etiquette pertaining to your new doll:
• Your friends will already be seething with jealousy when they see your new fake Trent Reznor. There's no need to rub it in. Keep the bragging to a minimum.
• If anyone wants to touch it (and they will), the appropriate fee to charge them is five dollars (US).
• Don't take pictures of fake Trent Reznor.
• When engaging in intimate relations with fake Trent Reznor, remember: Even though he's made of wadded-up newspaper, he has needs too.
• While fake Trent Reznor enjoys your company, he needs his "me time" as well. Stuff him in the closet for a few hours a day so he can be alone with his thoughts.
• Don't rush fake Trent Reznor. It may look like he's just sitting there not doing anything, but give him time. When he's ready, he'll let you know.
Now that you have your very own fake Trent Reznor, and know how to avoid pissing him off, you're all set! I hope you and fake Trent Reznor have many days of wonderful experiences together, before he falls apart and you throw him away.
Next Week: How to dress up your fake Trent Reznor for a night on the town!