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January 17, 2005
Trent Reznor Hates America

You might have noticed some strange things happening lately, such as up becoming down, black becoming white, you know, that sort of stuff. But you might not yet be aware as to why. Well, the reason for this could be one of the following things:

You are on amazing drugs (give me some)
The world is ending as foretold in the Book of Revelation, and the fact that you are still sitting there reading the Meathead Perspective is incomprehensibly pathetic
Nine Inch Nails have announced specific upcoming live performances, to which tickets have already been sold
No, seriously, give me some


Yes, that's right, Nine Inch Nails, the band that everyone (a.k.a. me) assumed died of yellow fever years ago and would most likely never do anything ever again, is going to actually appear on stage on March 30 and 31, 2005! That's less than 100 days from now. And who knows, maybe they'll play a few songs while they're up there.

I know, right now you're screaming to yourself, "How can dead people play music?" Well, to be honest, I'm not too sure. But it's probably something similar to Weekend At Bernie's II, which you might not be aware was actually based on true events. But it's also important to note that only two of the people in Nine Inch Nails are dead. Trent Reznor, who is clearly roaming the earth (and doing the occasional Kerrang! interview) in a zombie-like trance induced by a Jamaican shaman's spell, has brought back former new guy Jerome Dillon (also presumably among the undead), but all the other band members are totally new. And as far as I know, living.

Hey, let's do a quick overview of the hot and exciting live band for the 2005 With Teethity Tour:

Trent Reznor


Trent is the only original member of Nine Inch Nails who has yet to quit or be kicked out, despite his gargantuan ego (he actually claims that he "is Nine Inch Nails"). He will apparently be handling singing duties again, unless Willie Nelson miraculously comes through at the last minute. But that probably won't happen, so don't get your hopes up.

Jerome Dillon


Jerome was the first band member to sign up after Trent had the loyalty clause added to the contract, and was therefore forced to stay behind while fellow bandmembers Charlie Clouser, Danny Lohner and Robin Finck moved on to bigger and better things (well, other things anyway). His bitter resentment toward Trent makes him play drums better.

Jeordie "Not Twiggy Anymore" White


Jeordie used to play bass for Marilyn Manson (under the contractually obligated pseudonym "Twiggy Ramirez"), until Manson decided he didn't want people with talent to produce his albums anymore. At around this time, Jeordie snuck out under the cover of night, and wandered around the Mojave desert for several years, living off cacti and armadillo meat. Maynard James Keenan, of A Perfect Circle (and the lesser-known "TOOL" side project) happened to be driving by in his van one day when he spotted Jeordie devouring a coyote carcass. Maynard took him home, cleaned him up and brought him along to tour with the band for a while. When they had no more use for him, Maynard dropped him off at Trent's house, and... well, you know the rest of the story.

Alessandro Cortini


Alessandro (pronounced in a seductive whisper) adds some much needed ethnic flair to Nine Inch Nails. He finds himself in much the same position Jerome was in back in 1999, except that even less people have heard of him. He will be filling the role of keyboardist/toenail trimmer which was vacated by Charlie Clouser shortly after the fruity Fragility tour. Fortunately for him, since none of the new NIN songs apparently have chords, they can't be that hard to play.

THE PHANTOM GUITARIST


Originally, the new replacement for Robin "I Give A Shit About Guns 'N Roses For Some Reason" Finck was said to be some dude named Ralf Dietel, who apparently was the eighth caller to some radio station or something. All was well and good until Ralf decided to post Trent's top secret broccoli casserole recipe on the internet, and then all hell broke loose. Ralf then left the band (whether or not it was in a body bag remains up to speculation), leaving the lead guitarist slot hanging wide open once again. Then somebody said that Mike Tempesta, formerly of Whitesnake or whatever that band was, had joined. But the latest word is that Trent has decided to hire not so much a guitarist as a guitar entity. An enigmatic presence that glides effortlessly through the layers of existence, this nameless being can really rip shit up on a Les Paul. And since it has long since evolved beyond any need for physical things, that's one less paycheck Trent needs to sign.

So that's basically the lineup for the tour, not counting the rumored guest appearances by Bobby MacFerrin and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. But now you're probably wondering why I chose the title I did for this update, assuming your drug-soaked brain can even remember back that far. Well, let me tell you!

The shockingly surreal news that Nine Inch Nails will be performing in front of an audience again in this lifetime did not come without a catch. That catch is, the performances will be in London, England, while I am in the United States. It's like being told you've won ten million dollars, but the money is in the back of a burning ice cream truck that's currently plummeting off a cliff. And since that money is now fish food -- really bad tasting, non-nutritious fish food -- I can't afford to pack up and fly out there to witness firsthand this evidence of the negation of reality. Not that I'm bitter or anything, but it does make one truly wonder why Trent Reznor hates America. Maybe PABAAH was right! Why would he so blatantly give the cold shoulder to the country of his birth, and instead choose to go traipsing about (as zombies do) in Great Britain, having tea and crumpets or whatever the hell it is they do over there. He is a traitor! What's next, is he going to have Osama bin Laden do sound checks for him? I mean, that's the obvious next step after playing two shows in England.

Then again, one could argue that NIN is attempting to make up for the Lost Weekend debacle, in which thousands of fans were left high and dry after Jerome Dillon's pants became low and soggy. Hopefully Jerome's explosive diarrhea will not make an encore appearance, as I would prefer World War III did not start because of a Nine Inch Nails concert (or lack thereof). Assuming things actually go as planned and NIN performs brand new material in front of a live audience, I expect bootlegs to be placed directly onto the internet posthaste. I mean, not that I condone music piracy, but seriously, hook a brutha up. Not that I condone pasty white guys using the phrase "hook a brutha up."

Anyway, now that I'm being forced at gunpoint to care about Nine Inch Nails again, look forward to more and more tepid updates here at The Meathead Perspective?! Of course, you may interpret "look forward to" in whatever manner you deem appropriate.

Sincerely,
Meathead


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