February 11, 2005

Hi everybody! How are you today? Great. Me? Oh, I'm doing just fantastic, thanks for asking! Why am I doing so fantastic on this grotesquely cold winter's day, you ask? Because it's another day for me to be part of the totally rockin' NIN Hotline news staff! For me, every morning is Christmas morning, with a whole bunch of new and exciting news submission emails waiting for me in my inbox! I have so much faith in humanity!

See, that's what I would say if the news submissions we got weren't completely fucking retarded, and if I had eaten several tabs of ecstasy within the past couple hours. But unfortunately neither of those is the case. Therefore, I'd like to have a little chat with you today about this issue (you can go ahead and get a snack if you want). I know I've touched on this topic on here in the past, but apparently it is necessary for me to go into further detail. So here we go.

First of all, let's start with the basics. We need to be able to differentiate what does and does not qualify as "news." I'm going to give you a few choices here, and I want you to pick out which one you think is a news item worth sending to the NIN Hotline.

A) I was watching Smokey and the Bandit on TV last week. The film stars Burt Reynolds, who was in Mystery, Alaska with Michael McKean, who was in Light of Day with Trent Reznor.
B) Marilyn Manson was arrested last night for wiping his ass with Jerry Falwell's necktie.
C) Nine Inch Nails just played a super top secret show at the local Moose Lodge.
D) I called my local radio station and the DJ said he didn't know when the new NIN single would be coming in.
E) Can you send me a copy of Bleedthrough?

So, did you spot the real news item? If you picked C, congratulations! You're in the top 98th percentile of NIN Hotline patrons! Not only can you read, but you clearly possess a firm grasp on the most basic tenets of common sense! Either that or you just got lucky. The reason option C is correct is that a surprise unannounced Nine Inch Nails performance is news that in some way pertains to Nine Inch Nails, and would most likely be of interest to the people who read the NIN Hotline. Option A, while technically pertaining to Nine Inch Nails in the loosest sense of the word, would not interest the readers, except maybe those in the first and second percentile, who regularly eat glue. Option B is incorrect because the NIN Hotline is not a Marilyn Manson website. Despite popular belief, Trent Reznor and Marilyn Manson are not Siamese twins, so what Marilyn Manson does is not NIN-related by default. In layman's terms, nobody gives a shit about Marilyn Manson except you. Option D is incorrect for the same reason as option A. The idea of detailing the myriad reasons option E is incorrect makes my brain cramp, so I won't bother. Let's move on.

All right, now let's say you've come across an unbelievably interesting tidbit of Nine Inch Nails news. I don't know, how about... Trent Reznor openly professes his undying love for Ellen DeGeneres.

Certainly this would be huge news for everyone, especially Nine Inch Nails fans (and maybe fans of unrequited love as well). So you've discovered this incredible news nugget, and you rush to send it to your buddies* at the NIN Hotline, since the tabloids won't pay jack shit for it. Great! We're glad you thought of us. But wait a minute there, skip. Let's stop for a second and think. Have you considered the possibility that you might not be the first to hear this story? You're probably thinking, "Of course I'm the first, but in the impossible event that I'm not, how can I find out?" It's simple! I've come up with a brilliant method for determining whether or not someone else has already submitted news before you. I like to call it "Reading The Fucking Front Page You Asshat (RTFFPYA)." I know, you probably think it'll be hard to learn a technique that involves such a lengthy acronym, but YOU ARE WRONG. Allow me to explain how to RTFFPYA.

Step 1: Open your browser of choice (in your case, Microsoft Internet Explorer). If you don't know how to do this, kill yourself now.

Step 2: In the Address bar, which is located in the top portion of the browser window, type

Step 3: Read the fucking front page, you asshat. It contains news about Nine Inch Nails. If you already see the news that you were planning to submit, that means it has already been posted, and there is no need for you to submit it to us. Let me repeat that, in bold. If you already see the news that you were planning to submit, that means it has already been posted, and there is no need for you to submit it to us. For instance, if, hypothetically, I were to post the news that Nine Inch Nails had announced more tour dates on their website, that would mean we already have the news, and do not need it to be sent to us again.

Step 4: If, for some reason, the news you want to send to us has not been posted yet, feel free to send it, as long as it qualifies as valid news. If you don't know what qualifies as valid news, you are an idiot because I just explained it a few paragraphs ago.

Step 5: Go back to downloading porn.

Wasn't that simple? I told you. Now let's move on to the final segment: How to respond to the news (or lack thereof).

When a news update is posted, occasionally we will make a mistake. If you happen to spot a mistake that you feel needs corrected, please let us know, as we strive to keep inaccurate information off the front page and on the Meathead Perspective where it belongs. For example, if I were to get drunk and accidentally spell Trent Reznor's name as AFKBejwhyee tjFARTBUTT in a news update, that would be an error worth pointing out to us. Likewise, if a staff member were to inadvertently state that Nine Inch Nails has released any new music in recent memory, that also would also be a mistake that should be fixed as soon as possible. However, it's important to make a distinction between pointing out a mistake to prevent the spread of misinformation, and pointing out a mistake to be an annoying turd. For instance, if I were to infer that Fresno, California was located in the southwestern United States, and you disagree with this claim, pointing this out to me would make you an annoying turd. Not only because I don't give a fuck about geography, but also because the last time I checked (this morning), Fresno is in the southwest, at least according to my measurements:

Of course, I could be incorrect, but that is not the issue. The issue is that Nine Inch Nails will be performing on March 23-25, and taking the time to complain about such an insignificant detail as the fucking technical location of Fresno is something that only an annoying turd would do. And nobody likes an annoying turd.

Sometimes when you submit news, you might check the NIN Hotline obsessively every ten seconds for the next four months and never see your news posted. You might eventually start to think that it's because the news really wasn't all that relevant after all, or maybe it was common knowledge that had already been posted a while ago. Or maybe the email didn't even go through for some reason. This is not the case. See, one of the main criteria we use when deciding whether or not to post a news submission is how much we like the person who has submitted it. Whenever you see a new update go up that was sent in by one of our readers, it means that not only is it significant news, but we also think that person who sent it in is cool. I mean, really cool. We even mail each of these people a check for fifty bucks, because we like them so darn much. On the other hand, if your news hasn't been posted, you can feel safe in assuming it's because we think you flat-out suck and we hope you die right away. It's that simple. If you're one of these people, please email us and complain about it. We love to hear from those we hate so fervently.

Anyway, I hope this little tutorial has helped enlighten all of you in the ways of news submission. If you still need help, always remember, I'm not here for you. Stay tuned for my next update, where I will probably talk about something or other.


*we aren't really your buddies

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