February 24, 2005
The Peanut Gallery
Hi, pals! Exciting things to talk about today! You probably already know this, but for those of you who have just returned from an extended stay on the moon, not one, but two brand new songs by Nine Inch Nails have been leaked onto the internet! A horrifically low quality version of "The Hand Begins To Feed" assploded onto the radio this past weekend, which somehow made its way onto the World Wide Web soon afterwards. Then, a couple days later, some STUPID ASSHOLE leaked another song, "The Line That Blurs," this time in super-dooper high-quality. Of course, I haven't downloaded either of them myself, since music piracy is wrong and expressly forbidden in the Bible, but I'm just going to talk as if I actually do have these two totally rockin' mp3s currently residing in the "ninstuff" folder on my computer, and actually have listened to them an obscene number of times. But I really haven't, though. I'm serious. Don't accuse me of doing that. Point that freakin' finger up your nose, buddy (to quote that Tool guy).
Every time new NIN music surfaces (like it happens so often), Trent Reznor's stupid fans instantly segregate into four basic groups:
Group A: "This sounds too much like NIN's older stuff. Trent Reznor is stupid and I would gladly punch him in the head if given the opportunity."
Group B: "This sounds too different from NIN's older stuff. Trent Reznor is stupid and I hope he runs into someone's open car door the next time he rides his bike."
Group C: "I like this music quite a bit. Trent Reznor is cool and I hope his kitchen appliances continue to function properly for many years to come."
Group D: "Who the hell is Trent Reznor? Hey, get back here with my groceries!"
You know how that old saying goes, "You can't please everyone, even if you're naked and covered in pudding." Well, this is true for El Rezzo today just as it was true back when Beverly Hills Cop II was in theaters. No matter what the new music sounds like, someone will love it and someone will be a total choad about it and act like it's the worst thing they've ever heard. But let us not forget how George Washington valiantly gave his life fighting those giant scorpions in Vietnam so that we as Americans would have the right to act like choads on the internet. Therefore, it's not my place to judge those retards who don't like the new songs for some idiotic reason. If you don't like them, there is plenty of other music that probably sucks for you to enjoy. Morons.
However, there are some people who have taken their dislike of NIN's new musical direction to previously unfathomable heights of stupidity, blazing the trail for a whole new generation of ignoramuses. Not long ago I was cruising along the internet, looking for trouble, when I crashed into this brilliant post on a certain popular NIN message board whose name I won't mention outside of parentheses (it was echoingthesound.org):
hello everyone, i have heard the leaked tracks from with teeth and i must say i am very disappointed and depressed (particularly with THTF, that song is gay, what a load of crap). i am wondering whether i should still go to a concert if i really hate this album. i'm thinking yes, because the NIN experience is too much to pass up, except i won't clap and scream as i normally would. i will boo at trent when he plays bad songs to show him that his music is sucking. maybe some other people will boo as well and he will hear us and get the message. regardless, even if his album is really good, im going to want to boo really loud when he plays THTF.
will this be an effective method? who else wants to boo Trent? is it possible to sneak cherry tomatoes inside and toss them when he plays THTF?? i don't want to hurt him, just his feelings lol.
(artist's rendition of what must be going on in that idiot's mind)
lol. That's funny. Here's an idea, dickhole, if you don't like the new album, don't buy it, and if Mommy and Daddy do decide to let you go to the concert (and I imagine they would, if only to get you out of the house so they can fuck in your bedroom), just stick your fingers in your ears and hum the "Closer" melody over and over while they play the new songs.
Despite the fact that this person clearly possesses the cognitive abilities of the average garden slug, I thought I'd waste my time and yours by going along with this idea that Trent Reznor has now become "gay," and coming up with a few suggestions as to how he can reestablish himself as "not gay" in order to placate these simpletons and save them the trouble of trying to fit small tomatoes in their rectums.
One quick and easy way for Trent to assert his not-gayness would be to start wearing a hat. I mean, seriously, what's the deal? The guy never wears hats anymore, and he should really start doing it again. And I don't mean a sissy cowboy hat, or one of those artsy-fartsy French berets. I'm talking about a totally bitchin', non-gay baseball cap. And it has to be backwards, which is the only real way to wear one. Nothing oozes cool as much as a white guy who's pushing 40 and wearing a backwards baseball cap.
I've seen a few pictures of Trent recently, and he looks like he's been getting plenty of exercise and staying in shape. That's so gay. He should really start letting himself go if he really wants to win back that choice demographic of inbred, underachieving teenage homophobes who secretly masturbate to pictures of George Clooney when they think nobody is watching (Jesus is). A nice saggy beer gut would boldly proclaim to the world "I don't prefer the company of men."
The nin.com website is totally gay. Who the hell designed that shit? First of all, it needs to have a black background, not white. Second of all, there should be some really awesome Flash on it, maybe one of those kickass things that says "Shoot the Monkey and Win an iPod". And of course there should be hot bikini babes on it. That would at least help liven up that boring "Access" section. Nobody gives a shit what Trent thinks about the state of music today. He should be answering manly questions like "How much beer can you chug in an hour?" and "Isn't American Chopper the most bitchin' show ever?" Fuck yeah!
As for "The Hand That Feeds," how could that song be made less embarrassing to listen to in front of your meathead jock friends? Well, let's look at the title. The title alone is extremely gay, what with its properly-spelled words and all. Spelling words wrong is a great way to say you're "hip" and "with it" (and straight). I recommend changing the title to "Da Handd Dat Feedzzz." That's a definite improvement, but it still might possibly seem gay to a few people. So let's add something to it to beef it up, but not in a gay way, of course. How about "Da Handd Dat Feedzzz (Budweiser Football Carmen Electra Motorcycles)!" Yeah! All right, now the title totally rocks, but the song itself is still pretty gay. Get rid of that pussy synth part, and replace it with a rockin' guitar solo. Actually, wait, no, fuck that. Guitar solos are kind of gay too. Just add some ridiculously downtuned power chords and a rap beat. It has to have a heavy rap beat so I can listen to it loudly in my car to impress potential mates. While we're at it, let's change the lyrics a little.
you're keeping in step
in the line
because you do
FUCK YEAH!!! ROCK!!! Yeah, congratulations, you're a dumb ass. lol.