March 10, 2005
Scalpers and JPEGs and Leaks, Oh My
Boy, what amazing times in which we live! Nine Inch Nails will be performing live rock and roll music for us (well, for me and 2,352 other people) in just two weeks, just in time for Trent Reznor's restraining order against me to expire! I find I'm so excited I can barely keep from shitting all over the place. Then again, I do suffer from severe incontinence, but I'll save that for another Meathead Perspective. ;)
Apparently, during the past couple weeks while I was busy not updating this website, some things went down that I was supposed to have been writing funny jokes about, such as leaky music, a seething horde of angry ticketless fans, and this wonderful picture of Trent getting his picture taken. How about that! I guess I'll go ahead and touch on these issues right now, since I have nothing better to do with my life. That is, unless staring at the patterns in the carpet now counts as "something better to do" (in this instance, it probably does).
Not long ago, thanks to the magnificent bungling of Interscope's really smart and talented web programmers, a bunch of small clips of songs from NIN's new album White Teeth magically appeared on the hard drives of nerds everywhere. Unlike every single other land mammal on earth, I haven't downloaded or listened to them, nor have I downloaded or listened to any leaked songs regarding flip-floppery. Basically, I just think it would be cool to be able to go to a NIN concert and have no idea what to expect, other than the usual cornstarch and pictures of dead stuff. I figure this lack of foreknowledge will add an extra gooey layer of surrealness to the already mind-boggling fact that I'm actually at a motherfucking NIN concert. Then of course there's that whole thing about not hearing the album the way Trent wants blah blah blah and all that. That's certainly a valid point, as well. I always consult my WWTW? (What Would Trent Want?) bracelet when faced with the moral dilemma of downloading newly leaked NIN songs, and it always tells me "NO!" Sometimes it also says "GO MAKE A GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH," or "YOU ARE TOTALLY JUSTIFIED IN YOUR DISLIKE OF ADRIAN BRODY," or "YOU SHOULD SERIOUSLY CONSIDER SEEKING THE ATTENTION OF A MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL." It often keeps me awake at night and I should probably just throw it away.
Tickets! Tickets! Where are all the goddamned tickets? Tickets for the first wave of NIN shows went on sale last week. Here at The NIN Hotline, which is apparently not only Your 24/7 Source For The Latest News About Nine Inch Nails, but also Your 24/7 Shoulder To Cry On Like A Fucking Baby When Things Don't Go Your Way, we got roughly 80 bazillion emails like this one:
From: "TrEnT420SpIrAl_fRAgILE_REZNERISGOD~~~" [email@example.com]
To: THE NIN HOTLINE
Subject: News Submission
Date: Tue, 1 Mar 2005 16:12
FUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!! FUCK!!! FUCK FUCK FUKCFUCKFUCKCKFUCFUKFCUKFCFAKUUKFAKSUFkUD!!!!!!!!!!!3 FFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKK!!!!!!!!! SHIT FUCK ASS!!!!!! AIJ(G%$(#$)####33rEEE!!!!!!!!!! FUUUUCCCCKK!!!!!!!!!!!!! TICKET BASTARDS!!!!! DIE SCALPERS DIE!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!!!! SHIT! SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHITS THIST HISTHISTHISHTISTHISTHI SHITTTTT!!! FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!!FUCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
By the way, great job with the site, guys!
Don't get me wrong, I don't mean to sound insensitive. At least not right now. I understand that the shows sold out fast, and a lot of people were left standing out in the rain with nothing but a turkey and a bucket of corn to show for it (I'm not really good with sayings, sorry). And obviously this means the tour is a total disaster, since I'm sure the last thing Trent wanted was to have people be interested in his band. But let me try to illustrate this ticket situation the best way I know how, with a really unprofessional looking chart:
As you can not-so-clearly see, there are a bunch of NIN fans there on the left who couldn't get tickets, because the venue (the tuna can-like object on the right) is too small to fit all of them, due to fire codes and various assorted laws of physics. Believe it or not, in many locations around the world there are actually up to several thousand people who desire to see Trent Reznor in person, and possibly a couple who also want to see Aaron North for some reason. So when NIN plays at Uncle Phil's Authentic Hibachi Grill & Bar down the street, and the place has a capacity of 200 people, difficulties may arise when the time comes to distribute tickets for admission, since there may very well be up to 500 people in the area who give a shit about Nine Inch Nails.
Unfortunately, we at The NIN Hotline are not magic ticket fairies, and thusly are unable to will into existence a pair of tickets for you and your "special friend" who is really just using you for NIN tickets. And honestly, even if we were, we still probably wouldn't do it for you, because we're a bunch of lazy fucks. But being mere humans (except for Paul, who is some kind of weird cyborg thing) our job is simply to share news with you while trying to avoid pissing people off in the process. We are not grief counselors, and while we truly empathize with the situation of not being able to acquire tickets for these performances, we don't give a damn about you on any kind of personal level. But worry not, Trent will be back in a few months to play slightly less-shithole venues, and Aaron will probably be there too if he doesn't TOTALLY FUCK UP before then.
But the most exciting thing lately by far is definitely those thrilling photographs of El Rezzo getting his picture taken for that Kerrang! interview that was supposed to come out two months ago. Just imagine, in only a few weeks we'll get to read an interview full of stuff we probably already know by now, complete with pictures of Matrix Trent? making this face . But what are some of the breathtaking revelations we'll find out from his first "real" interview in three years?
• He was obscenely drunk when he accepted the request to remix U2's new single, was actually thinking it would be "Cantaloop (Flip Fantasia)" by Us3
• David Bowie is a lot more wrinkly in person
• Trent has never heard "You Really Got Me" by The Kinks, seriously
• Wanted to use creepy, pointless singing baby dolls in his new video, but Maynard got to it first
• "The Line Begins To Blur" actually started out as a Kenny Loggins cover
• The first show is actually in Cincinatti; shh, don't tell the Dresden Dolls
All right, that's all for this week (thank God). I have much more important things to do than talk to you jerks about whiny goth bands. Stay tuned next week, when I'll be posting exclusive pics from Trent's recent colonoscopy! That is, unless I just slack off again next week, in which case the next update will be a half-assed review of the NIN concert in beautiful Fresno, California. That is, unless I forget to show up.