March 15, 2005
Hi, how are you today? It hasn't been mentioned much lately, so I just thought I'd take a sec to remind you that the first performance of Trump Ressman's hot new tour is only a week away -- close enough that I can smell its rich, musky aroma. Mmmmm. Oh, wait, I just forgot to shower this week. But still, it's getting pretty close.
Anyway, these upcoming shows are warm-ups for the big With Teethity 2.0 tour this fall. The point is so they can iron out all the kinks, and figure out what sucks early on. For example, if Trent thought it would be really awesome to throw in a couple Rick Springfield-esque high kicks during the show, it would be better for him to test this in front of a handful of people in a small venue than to make a complete horse's ass of himself in front of a packed stadium.
This mini-tour's ("tourette" if you will) success, however, depends not only on Trent not being a horse's ass, or Jeordie TOTALLY FUCKING UP; it also depends on you! Of course, by "you" I mean the eight of you who managed to actually get tickets to these things. Therefore, the "band" has decided to utilize an audience feedback form to help further the goal of providing you with the most enjoyable concert experience possible come this fall. Now, one might expect NIN to provide this form to you via their official website, but we all know way more people read this page than that piece of crap. Therefore, Trent has personally given me this absolutely 100% official Nine Inch Nails questionnaire for you to fill out and return after the show! Seriously, this is totally legit. Nothing I've posted on this website has ever been short of God's honest truth.
Click the little white rectangle with tiny writing on it below to download the form in .pdf format (download Acrobat Reader for free here, you cheap fuck). Then, using either black magic or a printer, make the form materialize onto a piece of letter-size paper.
"Hey Meathead, I just got done printing out this piece of shit form. Now what the hell do I do with it? This is stupid. Fuck this, I'm gonna go get drunk."
Once you've checked the cute little boxes and all that, make sure you put your real name and address at the bottom, to ensure that Trent's hired Interscope goons know where to find you later. Then drop the form in the dropboxes which will be conveniently located at various locations throughout the venue (some of these may be deceptively labeled "Trash").
If you are too stoned to find these receptacles, you may also wait until after the show and hand your form to someone who looks important enough to be with the band. They may punch you in the stomach in return, but don't worry, that's just industry slang for "hey man, thanks for the form!"
With your help, we can make With Teethity 2.0 suck as little as possible! On behalf of Nine Inch Nails, I thank you for your cooperation and support. I hope to see none of you next week in Fresno!