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June 2, 2005
Self-Help

I know I haven't updated in a while, but I haven't been able to find my car keys. Anyway, as you may have noticed, the news has been abuzz lately with NIN-related crap. Some good news, some less-good news, but the fact that there's news to begin with is something that I never could have imagined a year ago. After doing some catching up on all the latest happenings, I thought that it might be a good idea to lend some personal advice to those most directly involved in these news stories. I'm sure I'll think it's a terrible idea once the PCP wears off, but for right now let's run with it.





So, you've just suffered a crushing and emasculating defeat in your high-profile court case against Industrial Rock God Trent Reznor, and are feeling a little uneasy about your future career as a train hobo. Don't worry, your "buddy" (not literally, I don't want you fucking me over too) Meathead is here to help!

First of all, you should feel special! How many people can say they've been sued by Trent Reznor? Not very many! I've never been sued by him, strangely enough, and neither has anyone else I know. Your friends must be totally jealous! I mean, you know, the ones who you haven't tried to rob blind yet. So I suggest being a good sport and sending Trent a thank you card for bestowing such a prestigious honor upon you. I'll even tell you what to write inside it!

Trent,

Thank you so much for acknowledging my existence by suing the crap out of me. It, along with the massive quantities of whiskey I've been drinking in a futile attempt to escape this gnawing feeling of hopelessness, gives me a warm and tingly feeling inside. As difficult as it may be to part with all of my money and assets, I am certain you will give them a good home.

Your new primary source of income,
John "Asshead" Malm


Hey, why not add a couple scratch-n-sniff stickers as well? I've yet to meet anyone who doesn't love scratch-n-sniff stickers. And if I do ever meet such a person, you can bet we'll be having words out in the parking lot! It would be extra cool if you could find a sticker that looks and smells like a stack of $100 bills, and then underneath you could write "get u$ed to thi$!" But I suppose raspberry or cream soda will do if that's all you can find.

Now that you've gotten all that out of the way, it's time to say hello to your exciting new life of destitute poverty! While Trent is having the time of his life spending your money (which was his to begin with), you can look forward to sleeping in bus stops and rummaging through trash cans in hopes of finding a discarded half-eaten Egg McMuffin! Trent may be cruising around town in his new BMW, but you'll have your own personalized shopping cart! And to think they're calling him the winner.

I know what you're thinking. Where are you going to live? What are you going to eat? How can a man survive without a major recording artist's bank account to "borrow" from? It's tough, but you can do it! Don't give up. When all else fails, you can always rely on your talents.

We've all seen street musicians, performers, painters. But has anyone ever heard of a street fiduciary duties breacher? Not me, and I've heard of a lot of things. There's a huge untapped market out there. You could be making piles of cash. Sure, you'd just have to give most of it to Trent, but you could probably buy yourself a burrito or something. Burritos are awesome. I had burritos for dinner just the other day, actually. But yeah, just write "WILL DUPE YOU OUT OF MILLIONS FOR FOOD" on a cardboard sign and you should be all set.

Let me know how it all works out!






So, you've just been told by MTV that your plan to incorporate a partisan political statement into your performance makes them "uncomfortable." In other words, "yeah right, we're not going to piss off Pepsi just for you." Hey, cheer up, it's not the end of the world. We can't all be Bono.

Sure, we all know that you think we have a terrible president, but you don't need to keep reminding us all the time. We like your music and think it's awesome when you do that fist thing during "March of the Pigs," but that's all we want from you. We don't want to think of you as an actual person with an actual opinion. Your job is to go out there, play your songs, shake your little tambourine, then get the fuck off the stage and go drink some more power shakes or whatever the hell you do after shows. Besides, the election is over anyway, so what's the point in saying anything unflattering about the president now? So the president used the momentum of 9/11 as a bullshit pretext for a war that continues to kill thousands of people with no end in sight. And big deal if he uses religion as a tool to further his own agendas and regularly wipes his ass with the Constitution. Just get over it! If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. One of the many intelligent citizens of the internet sums it up nicely:

Newsflash!
Bush one the election so stop crying, whining, bitching, complaining etc. And yes everyone is aloud to voice their opinion but please shut the fuck up already! oh and yeah i voted for bush too


Yes you have the freedom to express yourself, but quit exercising it! It's annoying. Now, if you absolutely must be a big shot and attack the president, there are other presidents you can pick from, you know. You don't have to jump on the Bush-bashing bandwagon. What about those past presidents that nobody cares about, like Millard Fillmore, Warren G. Harding, or Bill Clinton? You could easily make disparaging remarks about them on TV without anyone throwing a fit. And there's always Sy Sperling, president of the Hair Club for Men (I hear he's also a member). The possibilities are endless!



Oh, wait, no, now look what you did. Now the Foo Fighters are playing instead. You had your chance to be on MTV, and you completely screwed it up by trying to "make a statement" and "stand up for what you believe in." I hope you've learned your lesson. Well, I think the Primetime Emmys are coming up still, maybe they'll let you play a song on there, as long as you promise not to offend anyone. That's not what rock and roll is about.

Let me know how it all works out!


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