June 17, 2005
Join The Freakin' Club
To provide Meathead Perspective fans (assuming there are actually more than one) with a truly unique* fan club experience, we have begun the launch of "The Perspiral". Perspiral members will receive benefits that will make your Meathead Perspective reading experience slightly less shitty along with gaining access to exclusive crap that nobody ever expressed any interest in to begin with. They will be able to choose between the following membership packages: Cheapskate, Substandard, Standard, Slightly Better Than Standard But Still Not Worth Near What You're Paying, Sort Of Deluxe-Like, and Platinum.
All Perspiral members can expect to receive access to exclusive advance Meathead Perspective updates, exclusive webcasts of Meathead trimming his toenails and playing Minesweeper, exclusive access to Meathead's crappy message board, and an exclusive chat room where you can sit and wait for Meathead to come in and talk to you (he won't).
All memberships will also receive an exclusive welcome pack containing a completely unnecessary exclusive Perspiral membership card and equally worthless exclusive ID number which will never serve any conceivable purpose whatsoever. But hey, it's exclusive!
In addition to the above, Sort of Deluxe-Like and Platinum members will get exclusive updates from Meathead informing you of what he's been spending your money on (mostly Captain Morgan Private Stock and loose women), an exclusive poorly-made t-shirt with "I'm Funding Meathead's Drug Habit" emblazoned across the front with a magic marker, and your own exclusive personal email address via Hotmail and/or Yahoo! (your choice). EXCLUSIVE!!!
Annual fee**: ($150 within United States / $600 outside United States)
Exclusive Welcome Package (useless membership card with useless personal ID, random items from the trash can in Meathead's bathroom)
Exclusive access to read the latest Meathead Perspective updates before Meathead sobers up and fixes all the typos and broken links
Exclusive webcasts of Meathead counting his stacks of money
Exclusive live web chats with other people who got suckered into joining this shitty club
Exclusive access to Meathead's lame message board that you can just as easily go to for free (shhhh)
Annual fee**: ($375 within United States / $3 outside United States)
All benefits of the Cheapskate membership PLUS:
An exclusive battered VHS copy of Leap of Faith starring Steve Martin
An exclusive dinner at Chick-Fil-A with Martin Atkins (on you)
Annual fee**: ($917 within United States / $87.50 outside United States)
All benefits of the Substandard membership PLUS:
An exclusive "mystery pube"
SLIGHTLY BETTER THAN STANDARD BUT STILL NOT WORTH NEAR WHAT YOU'RE PAYING
Annual fee**: ($2,780 within United States / 25? outside United States)
All benefits of the Standard membership PLUS:
An exclusive autographed something-or-other (autograph not guaranteed)
An exclusive bag of Brussels sprouts
SORT OF DELUXE-LIKE
Annual fee**: ($56,200 within United States / 18 cattle, 6 chickens outside United States)
All benefits of the Slightly Better Than Standard But Still Not Worth Near What You're Paying membership PLUS:
Exclusive Polaroids of Meathead rolling around nude in a pile of 56,200 Sacajawea dollar coins
Exclusive T-shirt with exclusive sweat and barbecue sauce stains
Exclusive URL for one of two popular FREE email providers
Annual fee**: ($850,000 within United States / 9,155,039,836 outside United States)
All benefits of the Sort of Deluxe-Like membership PLUS:
The warm, tingly feeling of knowing you paid a whole lot more money than those Sort of Deluxe-Like losers
To join, mail your name, address, credit card number, expiration date and security number to:
The Perspiral Club
c/o Meathead's Fun Shack (Not A Money Laundering Front)
893 Cerro Vista Rd
Albuquerque, NM 87110
*I have a tendency to lie
**You will probably be charged a whole lot more than price shown