November 30, 2005
Fans Behaving Badly
Hey guys, did you have a nice Thanksgiving? Great, who cares. The following is a real, actual e-mail received by The NIN Hotline:
I'm not entirely sure, but I think, judging from the indignant tone of this e-mail, that I'm supposed to feel bad about this. Apparently it's such a travesty that two spoiled retards who don't know how to not piss people off for five minutes got kicked out and missed out on Trent Reznor's BitchFest 2005. I guess they were pretty shaken up about it, since they had to get their mommy to send an angry letter to us about it (because, you know, we care). But of course, it's not the kids' fault. It's those stupid NIN security guys who have nothing better to do than harrass poor innocent fans who are "just getting into it too much" and then steal their shirts. I'm certain that Nine Inch Nails is extremely heartbroken that neither the spoiled retards nor their obtuse family or their Canadian friends will be there to watch them perform at Ozzfest.
Okay, all sarcasm aside, let's be honest. Our friend Sweeney, NIN's head of security who I'm pretty sure is also a cyborg of some kind, likes to kick people out of places. You might not have known that, but now you do. You could say kicking people out is Sweeney's raison d'ętre. Nothing makes him happier than when he's presented with a golden opportunity to lift some snotty little miscreant over his head and effortlessly fling him out into the parking lot. But he never harrasses anyone without a good reason to do so. For instance, if someone tries to hop onto the stage and stick a vibrator in Trent's ear, or tries to sneak onto the floor with a beer, or is caught backstage without a pass (or occasionally with one), you can be assured that he will be there to administer Sweeney Justice™. When Sweeney tossed out these two little farts like so much garbage, it's a pretty safe bet that they were doing a little more than "getting into it too much." Face it, lady, your kids suck. Take them back and exchange them for better ones.
Anyway, I thought now might be a good time to go over some pointers for how to behave at a NIN concert so you won't have to experience Sweeney Justice™ for yourself. He might not be happy that I'm trying to help you guys out, but I doubt he's interested in reading anything that's not written in oversized Comic Sans font, so he probably won't even know.
DON'T JUMP OVER THE BARRICADES.
There's never a short supply of barricades at a Nine Inch Nails concert. They're everywhere, and they serve one singular purpose: for you to not jump over them. I cannot stress this point enough. Don't jump over the barricades. Occasionally you may encounter a barricade whose placement seems completely illogical and arbitrary, such as next to the nacho stand, inside a restroom stall, or in front of DFA1979's dressing room. But do not under any circumstances jump over it, or Sweeney will find you. Barricade-hopping is one of the most sure-fire ways to get kicked out at a NIN show, right up there with throwing anthrax at Trent Reznor and loudly stating "I hear Sweeney likes Asian men" (hey, when he's ready to go public with that, he will). If there's a fire, but a barricade is blocking the fire exit, accept your fate and take comfort in the fact that at least you'll go out looking kind of like the dude on that Rage Against The Machine album cover.
DON'T EVER TAKE PICTURES.
Did you know that taking pictures of Nine Inch Nails is considered a capital offense in some states? Actually, that's probably not true, but I can guarantee you that if Sweeney was a state, you'd get the chair. The thing is, Trent's girlfriend actually thinks he's a Toyota salesman, and if she were to come across photographic evidence that Trent is actually that Nine Inch Nails guy, there would be trouble (she hates emo). Therefore, Sweeney has been charged with the responsibility of making sure that absolutely no one even thinks about taking a picture during the performance. Because if Trent's girlfriend gets mad, Trent doesn't get laid, and if he doesn't get laid, he gets grumpy...er. Unfortunately, no one has told Sweeney yet that they make phones with cameras in them, so he is completely oblivious to the thousands of cell phones that are raised high in the air at any given moment. Boy, is he ever going to be mad once he figures that out.
DON'T MAKE TOTALLY OBVIOUS THAT YOU'RE DOING DRUGS.
I'm not going to say "don't do drugs," because, really, we all know Nine Inch Nails concerts tend to get pretty boring when you're sober. By the time they get to "Right Where It Belongs," it's like "who the hell cares." So it's completely understandable that you might want to toke up a little (or a lot) while you're there. But for fuck's sake, don't flash your stash in front of the entire crowd. Be discreet about the fact that you're a drain on society. Trent doesn't have a very strict anti-drug policy, as has been made quite evident by his hiring of Alex Carapetis, but Sweeney just plain hates hippies. He often laments that he wasn't around to work security at the first Woodstock -- three days of peace, music and kicking people out. If he sees you using any kind of drug, even Benadryl, he will kick you out and have a "talk" with you out in the parking lot. (Note: You won't actually be talking) The best thing to do is get stoned in the restroom, since Sweeney never goes in there. Cyborgs don't have any reason to.
DON'T WEAR A COSTUME.
If there's one thing Sweeney hates more than hippies, it's nerds. And one of the most obvious ways to announce to the world that you're a nerd is to wear a nerdy costume. This includes, but is in no way limited to, Star Trek, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Battlestar Galactica, Dragon Ball Z, and Marilyn Manson. It may seem like a cool idea to mosh to "March of the Pigs" as Boba Fett, but trust me, it's not. Well, okay, Trent might think you're cool, but Sweeney will snap you in half like a twig. I've actually seen him do this. The Reno Hilton show back in March happened to coincide with an anime convention, and a whole lot of people died. Then again, I guess that really wasn't such a bad thing. While we're on the subject, it's probably a good idea to leave your fruity goth outfits at home, too. And yes, Sweeney does still occasionally confuse Jeordie for an orc from Lord of the Rings, but then again, so does everyone else.
DON'T TALK TO SWEENEY ABOUT SWEENEY'S PAGE.
Now this seems very strange to me, but for some bizarre reason, Sweeney doesn't like it when people approach him and bring up his really cool website. He seems so enthusiastic when he's writing it, but as soon as anyone tries to talk to him about it, he get really annoyed. Maybe he's just too modest to listen to his fans gush about how awesome he is, so instead he beats them within an inch of their life. Makes sense to me. Seriously though, don't bring it up around him, no matter how tempting it may be to watch him become consumed with rage and brutally slaughter an entire chapter of the Spiral fan club. On second thought, do talk to Sweeney about his website. It'll be funny. Oh yeah, and be sure to bring up Option 30 to Trent if you go to one of those meet and greet things. If you're going to get your ass kicked, you might as well go all the way. That's my motto.
I hope these tips will help your NIN concert-going experience go a little more smoothly. Actually, I know they won't, since you jerkwads never listen to me anyway. I guess the only reason I wrote all this was to make fun of that uptight soccer mom that actually wrote to the Hotline to complain about her dumb kids getting kicked out. These are the same people who blame school shootings on Marilyn Manson (he's responsible for a lot of terrible things, but not that) and run over their kid's soccer coach with the family minivan when their team loses. Just admit that your kids are psychos, they have bad taste in music, they suck at soccer, and Sweeney hates them. It'll make everyone's life just a little bit easier.