September 25, 2006
Behind You In Line
THE INTERNET IS ALL EXCITED ABOUT THE TRAILER FOR THE NEW NIN LIVE DVD! I don't really give a shit about it, but I'll pretend to just so I have something to write about. Just kidding, rolling on the floor laughing my ass off. Everyone's been talking about how great it will be to finally see Trent's armpit hair in hi-def, and who can blame them? The trailer is easily viewable at nin.com, but some enterprising young geniuses have taken to uploading it onto YouTube, for those of you who prefer to watch it in shittier quality underneath an annoying banner ad. Thanks, guys!
Sure, I guess it would be kinda cool to relive the [WITH_TEETH] tour experience by playing this DVD every single night on my shitty 15-year-old 19" TV with one speaker. But I think we all know what it's going to be like when it's released in early 2007 (fall 2008). Aside from Trent doubling in size, not reeking of liquor for a change, and having a decent lead guitarist, there really won't be that much of a difference between this and the previous DVD, And All That Something Or Other. Sure, the cover art isn't likely to suck as hard this time around (David Carson is to art as Geraldo Rivera is to journalism), but it'll almost certainly be a continuation of the "let's put a bunch of lines through everything" theme they've been using on everything else lately. Yawn.
When Trent goes senile and decides to put me completely in charge of NIN's creative direction, there will be some big changes around here. But since that's still a couple years away, I'll just have to waste your time by talking about what I would do instead. Wasting your time gives me a nice warm feeling inside, because I hate you.
First of all, let's ditch the predictable artwork and do something different. Here's what it's probably going to end up looking like:
Well, I mean, without the red thing on it, of course. That's supposed to mean NO. I say NO to that design. In fact, when it arrives in stores, I plan to pick up a copy, hold it in front of me, and shout "NO" at it until the store manager asks me to leave, which will be okay since I will have already pre-ordered a copy on the internet. That's how serious I am.
I would make something that looks different and interesting. Something that says "BUY ME, YOU STUPID ASSHOLE," or something similar. It would capture the raw, stinky energy of the [WITH_TEETH] tour, and even grab the attention of people who wouldn't normally listen to Satanic rock music written by middle-aged guys from Pennsylvania. It would probably look something like this:
Click me to enlarge, or something
Yes, I designed that all by myself. I like to think that I have a pretty good eye for the aesthetic, and that I know what works and what doesn't. Admit it, it's much cooler looking than anything else NIN has put out. Well, except for this.
You know, I have to say that I'm not too crazy about the title, though. If they had to use any song title, I think "Every Day Is Exactly the Same" would have been much more appropriate, although that may have resulted in confusion amongst the eight people who purchased the groundbreakingly horrible remix EP of the same name. Lord knows we can't have that. But since I like to "think outside the box," I came up with a few better ideas for titles:
NINE INCH NAILS LIVE: ROBIN FINCK IS A DICKHEAD
AND ALL THAT COULD HAVE BEEN II: TAMBOURINE BOOGALOO
DUDE, WHERE'S MY NECK?
STEAL THIS DVD AND I'LL RIP YOUR FUCKING CUNT OFF
One of the most entertaining aspects of the tour has been watching Trent get mad when things don't work just right. Remember the hilarious "something's gonna get broken" comment? Or that night half the road crew got fired? And who can forget the famous lighter-throwing incident? It's all here, every hissy-fit and indecipherable rage-filled diatribe from Fresno to Mountain View, in super hi-definition picture quality and 5.1 surround sound. There's also an exclusive interview with Jerome Dillon, in which he dishes out the dirt on how much of an insane jerk Trent is offstage as well.
As a cool bonus, the packaging would include an official NIN tambourine for you to play along with! Wouldn't that be awesome? And who knows, maybe after some practice, you'll learn to look like as much of a badass doing it as Trent does. You don't have to use it just for the DVD, though; you can also play along with your NIN cd's on the songs that have tambourine in them, such as "Only," "All The Love In The World," and every single other song on [WITH_TEETH]. I was thinking it might be neat to put some kind of game on the DVD, where you have to play along at the right times and you get points and stuff like that, but on second thought, that might be kinda stupid.
It would be cool to have some commentary from all the band members (including all twelve drummers), which would most likely consist of three minutes of actually talking about the music, followed by an hour of gay jokes. They could also have a montage dedicated to all the people who lost their jobs during the tour, but they'd probably have to add a second disc for that.
Sadly, as revolutionary as my ideas may be, the unfortunate truth is that none of this crap will be on the new DVD. It'll just be the same old "serious" crap that they've done in the past. I'm just too far ahead of the curve, I suppose. But regardless, I'm sure it will still be an acceptable thing to spend $20 on (if it costs any more than that, I'll steal it instead). Hell, as long as it comes with a totally pointless plastic bookmark, I'll be happy.