September 22, 1999
Extra, Extra, Read All About It
"FRAGILE FEVER" SWEEPS THE NATION
On Tuesday, September 21, 1999, Nine Inch Nails finally released their long-awaited album The Fragile to the folks in North America (although some of you cheated and listened to it earlier). Just what kind of impact does this have on America? The Meathead Perspective investigates.
President Clinton Declares Sept. 21 "Trent Reznor Day"
To commemorate of the release of The Fragile, President Bill Clinton announced at a press conference that September 21 would be recognized as a national holiday in honor of NIN's Trent Reznor.
"This is one fucking bad-ass album," said Clinton. "I urge all American citizens to go out and support Nine Inch Nails by purchasing The Fragile today."
Following the press conference, Clinton proceeded to play several of his favorite songs from the new album for Palestinian President Yasser Arafat, who described the songs as "fuckin' rad".
Richard Simmons Releases New 'Sweatin'' Exercise Video
To the surprise of millions, Richard Simmons released a brand new exercise video entitled Sweatin' to the Nails, which features Simmons and friends working out to various NIN classics such as "Happiness In Slavery" and "Starfuckers Inc".
"A friend handed me a copy of The Downward Spiral the other week, and at first I was skeptical," said Simmons. "But once I gave it a listen, it just hit me, this is the perfect music for a great workout! So, I knew I had to make a new video."
The video has already stirred some controversy, however. A number of people have complained that some of the exercise routines introduced in Sweatin' to the Nails, including the new "fist fuck" exercise, are inappropriate for public viewing. Simmons responded by saying, "If you have a problem with this damn video, you can just piss off, you fucking pansy."
||America Sighs With Relief As Alanis Rumors Dissipate|
On September 21, 1999, a deep, rushing, "whooshing" sound engulfed the nation. It was the sound of NIN fans everywhere sighing with relief after realizing that the rumors of Alanis Morrisette contributing vocals to The Fragile were in fact false. The sighing generated a massive air movement that fucked up the earth's atmosphere. According to Jeff Burt, this one dude who lives down the street, "The massive air currents caused by the sighing of so many people at once nearly resulted in a hurricane that would have totally destroyed America."
Fortunately (for some), America has not been destroyed.
||Split NIN Logo Added To U.S. Flag|
A slightly modified version of the United States flag was unveiled on Tuesday morning. The new flag is exactly the same as before, except for half of the NIN logo inserted into the bottom right corner.
Also, it has been officially announced by Congress that the American national anthem has been changed from "The Star-Spangled Banner" to "The Wretched".
||Jesus Christ Returns To Buy 'The Fragile'
In a move that has baffled religious experts everywhere, Jesus Christ has returned from Heaven to purchase a copy of The Fragile from the Virgin Megastore in New York City. Upon buying the album, Christ said a few words to onlookers and then ascended back into Heaven.
Sources close to Christ state that Christ had been awaiting the album's release for quite some time.
"Jesus first got into NIN back around '93 or so," said a spokesperson for Christ. "He's been looking forward to The Fragile for years."
It is now believed that the end of the world will take place during the third coming of Christ, contrary to previous reports that it would happen during the second coming.