September 29, 1999
Finally, A Reason To Use The Internet!

On the day of the release of The Fragile, Nine Inch Nails finally opened the doors to their official web site,, to the delight of NIN nerds everywhere, including myself. We were greeted by a colorful message board, some totally rad pictures of Trent and pals in the studio, and exclusive downloads. But since I'm a grumpy bastard, I am going to discuss a few ways in which I think Nine Inch Nails should improve their site.

Firstly, I think that the hamster that is currently powering the server should be injected with some type of steroid in order to make its cute little legs move faster. That would help to cut down on the Error 500's that everyone keeps getting. It would also be fun as hell to watch.

We need more rooms. The message boards at fill up entirely too quickly. That's why I demand that include three more rooms. The above image shows the of my dreams: from left to right, the Blue room, the Argyle room, the Green room, the Paisley room, the Red room, the Plaid room, and the Buttermilk room. Anyone who posts copies of the same message in each room to get more attention will be tracked down, beaten, and crucified on television.

Sure, it's cool that the video for "We're In This Together" is available for download at But what about other videos that we might want to see? I believe that in order to be fair, they should put up clips of other videos for us, such as the unforgettable classic film Gone Fishin', starring Joe Pesci and Danny Glover.

Why is it, that they have all those colored boxes there for me to click on, but half of them don't do anything? Funk dat! They should have more interactive stuff for the fans to enjoy. Like, for example, the Punch Fred Durst game. Imagine, if you will, the hours of entertainment brought on by watching a digitized fist slamming repeatedly into Fred "Mr. Big Shot" Durst's face. I bet that "Final Fantasy" game you've been playing doesn't seem quite so awesome now, does it?

I know Trent Reznor is a busy man, but it would be nice if he could find the time to post more on the message boards. Maybe if he would spend less time eating, sleeping, talking to other people, rehearsing, and doing other Trent-like activities, he could talk to us more. But unfortunately, he seems to be too wrapped up in "managing Nine Inch Nails" and "preparing for the tour" to hang around the boards for very long. Hopefully he'll come to his senses before long, and get his priorities straightened out.

editor's note: it has been brought to my attention that this page is now being linked directly from don't i just feel like a total dick now.

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