October 27, 1999
I'm Not Afraid Of You!

NIN Halloween Ideas That Work
by Fake Martha Stewart

Hello, fellow Nine Inch Nails fans. It's Halloween time once again. Today I'm going to share with you some tips to make your Halloween extra special in 1999. So listen up, and don't make me repeat myself.

Pumpkin Carving

Nothing says "Halloween" better than a freshly carved Jack-o-Lantern. But don't just go and use a typical, crappy generic design for your pumpkin. Here's a couple of fabulous, original ideas from the multi-talented Trent Reznor.
This design, which I affectionately refer to as the "Fuck-o-Lantern", was carved by Trent in 1994, during the band's Self Destruct tour. He apparently used this poor pumpkin as a target on which to unleash his pent-up anger and frustrations, and this is the result. To make your own, simply imagine the pumpkin is someone or something you feel animosity toward, such as your lying, cheating bastard of a husband, and let your imagination run wild. It's great for kids, too. This will teach them that the best way to deal with people they don't like is not to brutally murder them with a knife, but instead to stab pumpkins and imagine they're brutally murdering people with a knife.
After the "Fuck-o-Lantern", Trent took a five-year break from pumpkin carving, so he could concentrate on procrastinating on his next album.. This is his most recent Jack-o-Lantern, which he left half-unfinished. I don't exactly know why, but it looks terrific, doesn't it? You can do this too. It's easy. Just take your own pattern, and cut it horizontally in half, right down the middle. It's that simple. If anybody asks you why you only did half of the design, smile at them and say "This is ART, you dense FUCK! I'll see your ass in HELL!!!" If it's an adult asking, just make up some bullshit story about post-modern impressionism, or something.

Go "Trick-or-Trenting"!
If you like candy, and you like trick-or-treating, or you just like stealing candy from people under the threat of egging their houses, and you happen to live in the New Orleans area, don't forget to stop by Trent's house for Halloween. He loves to have kids of all ages stop by and visit him. Maybe it's because he's trying to avoid spending too much time alone with Leo Herrera. Regardless, he has lots of cool treats for everyone. Just don't show up in a Marilyn Manson costume, unless you like your apples with razorblade centers.

How to Keep Annoying Trick-or-Treaters the Hell Away
Are you tired of those short little costumed bastards coming by every year and robbing you blind? Well, there's a way to get them to keep their distance without depleting the pipe bomb arsenal you've been building up for New Year's. You can easily keep them away by playing Nine Inch Nails music in your home at a high volume, so as to be heard from outside. Studies have shown that certain NIN songs are more effective than others, as shown by the crappily-drawn diagram on the left. Or, you can be creative and play several songs at a time. That is, if you're smart enough to figure out how to do that.

Other Idiotic Halloween Tips

Too cheap to buy a costume this year? Try going as The Insane Naked Screaming Man (or Woman).

Instead of giving kids candy, give them stock tips. They'll thank you later (and totally fuck up your car in the meantime).

Decorate your house with real skulls and bones instead of plastic ones. It's a lot cheaper.

Go to kids' houses the morning after Halloween and ask for your candy back, explaining that you were just too drunk last night to know any better.

On Trick-or-Treat night, set up a paintball gun in your front yard and play "Power Ranger Assassin".

Sit around your house all night masturbating while wearing a Stormtrooper costume.

Home | Top of Page | Glossary | Contact | The RSS That Feeds