May 24, 2000
But For All Meathead Aspires, He Is Really A Liar
Upon looking back at all the Meathead Perspectives that I've crapped out over the past 10 months,
I suddenly realized that there have been quite a few instances in which I have said things which were actually not true. I think it's time that I set the record straight, since the last thing I want is for people to think of me as a harbinger of misinformation. So, please bear with me as I go back through the archives and attempt to right some of these wrongs.
INACCURACY #1: The Completely Unnecessary Mayonnaise Rant
Issue: "What Makes Trent So Spiffy?"
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On September 15, 1999, while giving a lecture on the importance of DNA, I mentioned my discontent with the fact that mayonnaise isn't available in squeeze bottles. Since then, approximately 80,402 people have contacted me to let me know that mayonnaise is in fact available in squeeze bottles. Of course, I also managed to come across a display of squeezable mayonnaise at the supermarket the very day after this particular issue of the Perspective went online. I'll see you in hell, Hellmann's!
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INACCURACY #2: Look Who Decided To Show Up
Issue: "Are You Ready To Rock??!!"
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In an obvious effort to make me look like a bastard, Marilyn Manson made an appearance at the NIN concert in New York on May 9, 2000, after I clearly stated in the November 10th issue of the Perspective that Manson would be one of the things we would not see on the Fragility tour. How am I supposed to do my job under these conditions?! This is unacceptable!
If T.R. ever decides to bring Pikachu along on stage, I quit.
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INACCURACY #3: A Filter Faux Pas
Issue: "Thanks, Dick!"
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In this particular Perspective, I inferred that Richard Patrick had departed from NIN prior to the creation of the Broken EP. One would think that since I've watched Closure enough times to have it practically memorized, I would have remembered that it wasn't until the Downward Spiral days (aren't italics fun?) that Richard decided he was too sexy for NIN.
Fortunately, I think most people were too distracted by this bitchin' graphic on the left to notice my glaring error. Whew! Dodged a bullet there!
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INACCURACY #4: Damn Dirty Apes
Issue: "Much Ado About Nothing"
I AM NOT A MONKEY
I AM A FREE MAN
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While making fun of the ever-unfinished Nothing Records website, I made the mistake of calling chimpanzees "monkeys," when in fact they are not monkeys, but apes. Apparently, the difference between "monkeys" and "apes" is quite vast. You can imagine the shock and embarrassment I felt when this was brought to light. Please accept my deepest, most heart-felt apologies for this horrible, horrible mix-up. Also, while you're at it, please accept this unsettling picture of the Golden Girls, as well.
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INACCURACY #5: Get A Haircut, Hippie
Issue: "Star... What?"
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Though I never specifically said so, I assumed that Trent was wearing either a wig or hair extensions in the "Starsuckers, Inc." video. However, now it appears that his hair is actually growing at an alarming rate of speed. Check out the example below... and stuff.
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Notice the dramatic increase in Reznor's hair length from May 7 to May 17, only ten days later (for those of you incapable of figuring out basic math problems). Maybe I'm a complete wacko, but I think there is something very disturbing and wrong going on here. Using state-of-the-art technology, I've created a projected image of how Trent Reznor's hair might look by the day of the last North American show on June 18.
I feel much better now, with that business all taken care of. From now on, I pledge to only bring you the most accurate and truthful information possible.
*snicker*
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